Month: March 2013

Turn and about.

Work has sorted itself out in no time. I’ve done two weeks without being cancelled and the hours are plenty long enough. I was running up to Aspatria, top of the Lake District, doing an awkward trailer swap then running back to Crewe, trailer swap, back to Irlam. Now Aspatria have set aside a really easy drop point for my trailer. No reversing, nothing in the way, just drive in, stop and drop. Cool. Obviously the karmic balance is upset by that so to compensate Crewe are getting rid of the night shunter. This means there will be no empty trailers for me to swap with, so I have to wait an hour or so while they live tip me. Ace.

The consequence of that is I’m on a regular 50+ hour week.

Ho hum. It pays the bills.

I thought I was getting the long weekend end off. The security guard said the (Sealy beds) factory was shut for the Bank Holidays. Yay! Then work told me they were leaving two trailers loaded for me to pick up, the security guard would let me in.   🙁


Pays the bills, pays the bills. Screw the bills, I wanted a long weekend. Grrrr.

Also I had fun times at work. They wanted me to run one pallet to a drop in the centre of Manchester, in an artic, “on your way”. Ace. I got ten minutes down the road, pulled up the slip road to the M60 (the Manchester ring road) in rush hour and broke down. Oops. So not good. I was stranded there an hour with no drive. If I tried to put it in gear it just rolled backwards. In the end they had to send a huge tow truck to tow the unit and trailer back to base.

Then on Thursday morning I was filling up with diesel, as you do at the end of every shift. The thing with truck diesel pumps is they have a catch on the trigger so you can click it on and leave it to fill up. You don’t have to keep pressing the trigger, it just cuts out when it’s full. Usually you wait until it clicks off, then lift the nozzle to fill the last bit pressing the trigger. On this occasion I could tell it was nearly full so I lifted the nozzle before it had clicked off. Which caused it to spray back all over me. I stunk. Not to mention the carcinogenic qualities of diesel. I put all my clothes in a bag outside the back door when I got in. I tried to soak them for an hour today and have just put them through the longest boil wash on the machine. They still stink. The whole lot has gone in the bin. Ace. Now having to boil wash an empty machine to try to get rid of the smell.


The mixed blessing continue with my ‘phone. The new, twice as powerful, battery arrived! Yay! Unfortunately it’s also (unadvertised) twice as fat. They sent me a new back case with it because it bulges out making my ‘phone twice as fat at the bottom.

Look, I’ve got that ‘80’s brick chic going on:



My upset is outweighed by relief though. I charged it about 20 hours ago. Since then I’ve used the MP3 player feature, kept it connected to tinterweb through 3g and wifi, I’ve had the screen on (biggest drain) for hours on Twitter and it’s still at 67%.

My old battery, (after I’d fried it, my bad!) had reduced the ‘phone to being a de facto landline. More than 10 minutes unplugged usage and it would shut down. Not a whole shitload of use for a mobilius.


I finally made an effort with some training. On Monday morning (about the only time I can) I went for a swim. First long distance swim for ages and I managed 1.46 miles in 1.03.  I was trying different strokes at the end, but I’ve just looked it up and I was wrong. Bum. However, I’ve just learned that I have my head at totally the wrong angle. I thought it made sense to be looking straight down, but apparently that sets your body up wrong and makes it harder. You should be swimming with your hairline (before I was receding *sniffs*) breaking the water. I’ll try that. Anything that makes it easier.


The weather is still too damn cold for me to be cycling to work. No goddamn way am I riding home at stupid o’clock in the morning in minus temperatures. Not happening.


I’m looking at starting my ultra running training. Looking, not doing. I reckon  a 35 mile run for starters. Do it there-and-back. That way, when you reach the 17½ mile mark you have no choice but to run the 17½ miles back. Or walk. But that is pointless. And cold.

However, as ever the fun part is in the shopping! I need a hydration pack for that 50.9 mile race I’ve entered. (Yes, the 0.9 *is* important! It bloody will be after 50 miles, anyway!) Hydration packs are like backpacks with a ‘bladder’ in them and a tube over your shoulder. Basically a bag of water and a long straw. I bought a generic one a few years back but it rubbed holes in my back. The old ‘webbing burns’ I remember with no fondness at all from the army.

This ultra recommends either lots of bottles or a hydration pack. I was leaning towards the pack as you also have to be able to carry a headtorch, waterproof coat, ibuprofen,and map and compass for the longer runs. The 100 mile runs are 24+ hour affairs. My point being, this is my first ultra but after it, if all goes not too horribly, I am looking at the Thames 100 miler. It’s therefore pointless to spend cash on something that’s not fit for purpose.  You know where this is going, don’t you? It’s a piece of kit that is supposed to be the last word in comfort and utilitarian functionality. But it costs a bloody fortune!

It’s this:

The blurb all sounds wonderful. Wide straps on the shoulders, padded belt to rest all the weight on the hips, secure without rubbing, ability to carry your gels and coat/torch/map/’phone etc etc. But £64, on sale, for a water bottle with pockets!

The thing with this ultra lark is you have to be pretty much self sufficient. On a 50 (.9) mile run that’s three visits to the the stash station where you can leave your kit. 15 miles, when you are pacing yourself and carrying 2 litres of water and waterproof and gels etc, could be quite a while. Especially on the last loop.  You need to have everything you need with you for that 15 miles.

You can see I’m just talking myself into filling that aching void of consumeristic want where my soul used to be.

I wantz it!

Then I would have to actually leave the house and do a bit, I suppose.


But enough of my introspection, nobody comes here for that, let’s talk Twitter:

We start, as ever with the DMreporter:

HEALTH: New NHS 111 hotline to be staffed by Romanian sex workers.

HEALTH: Government launch new 111 non-emergency helpline for people earning less than £26,000.

MICHAEL GOVE: “I refuse to surrender to the Marxist teachers hell bent on destroying the profit potential of our schools.”

DEFICIT: Government announce 10% tax raid on all savings to pay for Abu Qatada’s legal bill and 7 room mansion.

EASTER: God writes open letter to Lord Carey – “thanks for turning the sacrifice of my only son into an argument about gay marriage… twat!”

EDUMACATION: Just 8% of parents trust Michael Gove with reforms. In other news, 92% of parents are revealed to be Marxist Trotskyites.



Politics/ tory scum:

Immigration. Cameron to announce tougher restrictions on empathy and rational debate.

Can someone tell Cameron for every 1000 council homes only 18 were given to tenants who’d lived in UK less than 5 years?

"I commend David Cameron’s speech on immigration,"said Lord Greed"as it stops people thinking my billions in a tax haven are a problem."

BREAKING: Michael Gove has been abducted by the militant Marxist group Enemies of Promise. …

Can right-wingers please decide whether immigrants are here to "steal our jobs" or here to "live entirely on benefits"? Can’t be both.

yes, there are about 4.7m "non-British" people living in UK, but there are at least 4.6m Brits living abroad.

I’ve just been told to have an open mind by a ukip supporter. That, Alanis Morisette, is ironic. Not that spoons and knife thing.

Tax cuts for the rich, food stamps for the poor. That’s all that needs to be said about these bastards.



General observations:

I miss the days when journalists used to tackle real issues and have secret identities and sometimes be Superman.

(To which I replied: ) Re last RT, there’s your harvest #leverson. Happy now?

“Tweet your 16 year old self” was a trending hashtag, I contributed:

#tweetyour16yearoldself The robots have risen! Destroy Skynet and anything to do with Sky. Only you can save us all. Start with Murdoch.

#PISCES: There’s no ‘i’ in team. But there’s an ‘i’ in Pisces, isn’t there? You selfish bastard.

Friends are like balloons. If you stab them, they die.

If gay marriage had been legal in 2005, I wouldn’t have had to marry a woman 🙁

Apparently some Yank biology teacher got in a world of shit for saying ‘vagina’ in class, hence: … Yes, as we all know its anatomically correct name is "Filthy Shame-Cave of Depravity for Guilt Storage" #vagina

"we will see Christian schools attacked for refusing to admit students whose parents are gay" – Too bloody right! …

"Jesus died for your sins" – the most stupid thing Christians say. The equivalent is me burning my hand on the cooker for your phone bill.

#paedobritain Is a trending topic straight from BrassEye. "WHEN DID THE BRITISH ISLES TURN INTO THE PAEDOPHILES?"

The perfect Daily Mail headline:

WORLD EXCLUSIVE Melanie Philips stole my Muslim transsexual baby, forcing me to eat my cat, which gave me cancer.

Lord Carey, who has a seat for life in a Parliament that also features 26 representatives of his church, says Christians are marginalised.

"I am a persecuted minority with no voice" writes man from the House of Lords on the front page of a national newspaper.

So the govt is introducing cuts that disproportionately affect the poor and disabled, and the church gets angry at them for equal marriage.

I added: I think the best way to demonstrate to Carey that equality is not persecution is to throw him in a lion enclosure. "See? Persecution!" (Then: ) In fact let’s do it anyway. Just for shit and giggles.

Carey, Christianity is the established faith, the Queen is its head, it has a place in the Lords, a palace for an HQ. You’re not persecuted

North Korea changes its Facebook relationship status with the South Korea from "It’s Complicated" to "War."

World’s scariest urinal? You can buy this at Architectural Digest show. I passed:

(I commented: ) <<Penis/fly trap?


An exchange with a writer chick chum of mine;

@MhairiMcF Only Guardian could ask if you could ‘live without broccoli’ *rents clothes, falls to knees in rainstorm* BETTER TO DIE THAN BE IN THIS PAIN

Me:They may take our lives but they can NEVER TAKE OUR BROCCOLI!

Her: ‘First they took our chard, and we said nothing…’

To which I could only lamely reply: Chard is the gateway vegetable before you hit the hard stuff. Tough on broccoli, tough on the causes of broccoli.

(She won that one, very funny woman.)


Top tips:

PERSUADE work colleagues you’re a maverick risk taker by taking a dump in a Dyson Air Blade

FOOL people into thinking their pizza has arrived by parking outside a house in a rusty Vauxhall Corsa blasting Dubstep.


And some pictures to finish off with:

I call this one ‘anxiety attack’ *grabs paper bag/ hyperventilates*



Spring in the Lake District:

A Japanese meme that’s tres cool:


Pug Easter Bunny:

Pug in pugs:

Baby Garfield:

And, having completed my internetz obligation of kitten pic, I’ll say farewell.




You know the running battle I’ve been having with ‘phone and it’s dying on me? It has been instructive in many things. I’ve upgraded the O.S., ironed out a glitch with my Gmail, and worked out how to ‘sideload’ Adblocker again. The latter not being as impressive as it sounds. Apparently to sideload is just to enable downloading and installing from the original site, not from the approved google apps store.

Anyway, before I went in and wiped everything, again, I tried googling the problem. The first hit, top of the page, said “if you’ve used a non-standard charger swelling may have occurred in the battery”. I had a look, my battery is no longer flat, it’s now sort of elliptical.



It could be as simple as that. I hope so as I ordered a new battery on the 4th, (still not arrived).


In other news work seems to have sorted itself out. The new/ old run to Aspatria is as I thought. It’s about 9 hours 15 minutes, to 9½ hours (paid, that is. Another 45 minutes for break). I wasn’t cancelled on any days this week. That’s a good sign. Perhaps that’s the way it will stay.  The run through Cumbria on Friday was a white knuckle affair. It was blowing a gale, so going up with an empty trailer I was worried I was going to get blown over. Then the snow started really coming down. It wasn’t so much that it was landing on the motorway, that was getting crushed by the traffic, it was the wind was so strong it was blowing whole layers off the embankments. That chucked thick blankets of snow across two lanes and blew up a snow storm. I got down from the hills and back into Cheshire and relaxed, only to pass an artic that had somehow turned around and was driven up the embankment at a 20 to 2 position. I don’t know how. it wasn’t jacknifed or pointing forward, it was straight as though it had driven head on to the traffic then pulled off. That was a nasty surprise. I didn’t want to be that guy.



Also this week I’ve had a dose of man flu. It started on Wednesday night, I just came over all weak. I’ve been dosing myself up with paracetamol and ibuprofen and I seem to be alright with it. Each morning I wake up and think it’s gone, then after an hour or so I feel lousy again. Buggery bugger. So I’ve still not started my training in earnest. Not that this weather helps.


That diet of which I spoke a few weeks back lasted all of four days. Then, in a moment of weakness I had a Mars bar. More accurately, I had three Mars bars. The first was so good I couldn’t help myself. The only reason I didn’t eat more was because that was all the money I had on me. #fail

Which reminds me, apparently the internet is escaping again. After ‘noms’ escaped from online and became a snack/ sweet (I don’t know), and in the footsteps of lol and roffle, it would appear hashtag is now to be heard IRL. So one would say “I’m giving up chocolate for lent. Hashtag never going to happen.”

So far I’ve not heard it. I carry a shovel in case I have to dispose of a body in a hurry though, just in case.


I set up Skype for our kid (Lisa) yesterday and called her to test it. There’s your flying car! People asking where are all the futuristic sci-fi predictions don’t realise the future is now. James T Kirk had a glorified walkie talkie. That was the ‘60’s vision of the year 2245. Here we are, able to stream hi-res imagery, wirelessly, through devices that don’t even have a ‘phone. And carry around the fabled Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, AND The Encyclopaedia Galactica in our pockets. (A smartphone and Wikipedia, respectively.) Douglas Adams’ future tech is already common place. DON’T PANIC! *gets towel*


Also I had a thought on Twitter the other day; sports.

What you want more? OK, my thought was; I now run marathons and do Iron distance triathlons and almost enjoy them, why was I bullied into team sports that I absolutely hated at school? I hated football with a passion. I was useless at it and everyone was on my case because I was letting their side down. And there was the weekly humiliation of the team picking. Two football mad kids picked as captains then they each had to pick who they wanted for their team in turn. The good players getting picked first, then the average, then, after the blind one-legged kid, me.

Anyway, my point is not to get flashbacks to the post traumatic stress disorder but to question the why of it. It made me think of Rollerball (I think) a 70’s violent futuristic sports film. As memory serves there was one guy who played it and was the star of the team. However much they crippled and killed his team mates he would always win the game for them. The reveal at the end of the film was “It’s not about the game. It was never about the game. The message is individuals can’t win, only the team.”

Or that was the spirit of it. As I recall. If it was that film.

So, pretty concrete on the supporting argument there, Bucky.

Anyway, that’s what I think it was. Not about promoting fitness and exercise, but about less than subtle indoctrination into school/ society. All team sports. Everything I like is down to the individual. MotoGP, , ski-ing (Well, to be fair, watching people crash when ski-ing) martial arts, running, triathlon, snooker, tennis. I don’t often watch much anymore except for the bikes, but I was just going with it there.

Now I look at it, there is something of a trend there. I AM NOT A NUMBER, I AM A FREE MAN!

So, in your face school. That was just one more thing you failed to indoctrinate into me. Along with maths and a general education.


But enough of my bitter ramblings, on to the fun world of Twitter;


The DMreporter had these insights;

FeMAIL: Pornographers warn that girls as young as 13 have negative self esteem issues after exposure to the Daily Mail sidebar of shame.

SCROUNGERS: Girl shot in head by Taliban starts school in UK, but is her foreign accent holding back indigenous pupils?

HACKED OFF: Who are they? Who funds them? What are their aims? (all this information is readily available on their website…)

TULISA WATCH: At size 12 is she now too fat to be attractive? See her here at size 8, when she was too thin.



Politics/ Tory scum;

"I don’t mind if my children grow up to be gay, just as long as they don’t grow up to be Tory MPs." (Charlotte Church)

Actually, can we stop calling #bedroomtax a "tax"? It’s misleading. More like a penalty, levied only on vulnerable people.

What PC Marxist Communist #dispatches won’t tell you is 96% of pensioners are just faking being over 65 #scroungers

"A nation trying to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle" – Churchill

Amidst the noise about ‘free press’ a little reminder: 95% of our national papers owned by 4 billionaires, 3 of which are not even UK-based!

Soldiers to be protected from tax on their deposits with compulsory "killed in action" plan. #gideon

Osborne: "For every one job lost in the public sector, 6 jobs have been created in Poundland. For no money" #Budget2013

FFS Osborne, tax cuts are so not what this is about. I gladly pay tax for a civilised society which you are destroying.

Osborne claims his budget is for an aspiring nation when it’s actually a budget for an expiring nation!

‘Desperation Nation’

If the Chancellor raises tax threshold to £10,000 it gives the lowest paid £17 extra a year. But a couple on £60000 can get £224 #budget2013

Moodys confirm Osborne downgraded from chancellor to chbncellor

I’m getting my own red briefcase. Fuck this shit.

Did the #downgradedchancellor say the state will help people buy a 600k house privately but implement the #bedroomtax for social housing?

Today a banker on £5,000,000 per yr gets a £250,000 tax cut, whilst benefit cuts have record numbers homeless and at food banks. #Newsnight



Dracula visits Amazon. ‘Your Account’ catches his eye. "Ah hah hah. I am, I AM!" He looks around. He is alone. Dracula is always alone.

The Daily Mail did one of their "DRINKING! CARDIFF! BROKEN BRITAIN!" articles again. So here’s an important reminder…


Women vs society:

The Sun pleads for press freedom, ‘to stop a Hillsborough style cover up’. Spits. out. coffee

SCIENCE FACT: Penguins struggle with ‘smart/casual’ attire.

I’ve been selected for a ‘Random Drugs Test’ at work. I hope I get something hallucinogenic to help me get through today.

To get your prison name, embezzle thousands of pounds from your employers without properly covering your tracks.

I’m now being paid in vegetables. Realised too late that my boss didn’t say ‘Celery Negotiations’.

What’s the point of the phrase "harbinger of doom"? Why not just "harbinger"? Or can you be a "harbinger of cheese"?

Russian Orthodox Church in Antartica:

WHEN besieging a modern day castle always strike at the gift shop, it is the weakest point.

Wonderwoman, Superman and Batman:

@Mooseallain commented on Voyager:

To be honest I’m glad Voyager has left the solar system; we can talk about it now.

Someone else replied:

NASA changed their mind, Voyager 1 has NOT left the solar system

@moose :



My kid is almost old enough for social media, so we’ll need to have ‘the talk’ soon. You know, about: your/you’re & their/there/they’re

To catch a bus one must first THINK like a bus

To catch a ‘plane first one must think like a Buddha:

Northern Lights in Norway:




And finally, baby elephant in water for first time:

And with that I’ll bid you adieu,



Be very, very careful what you whinge about.

Two weeks ago I was whining because it was all work and trying to get a little sleep and that was all. Then last week I went in on the Thursday, as they were sacking all the full timers, and should have been cancelled but accidentally screwed some lad out of his shift. Friday I was cancelled. Great. Feet up, long weekend. Then Monday. Getting nervous. Tuesday and Wednesday. A full week I should have been cancelled.

Oh dear, oh dear.

I was really getting worried. I mean, the very day they sacked the full timers it all started. I was wondering if they’d got the remaining full timers to cover my shift and I was a gonner. Then I got a text saying I was back in Thursday and Friday, doing a run to Glasgow. Not my usual, but easy enough. A two day week wouldn’t pay the bills though. I asked about it when I went in. Apparently I’m back to five days next week on a different run again. I’m to take an empty trailer up to Aspatria in the Lake District (turn off at Carlisle, spitting distance from the Scottish border) do a trailer swap then run back with a load to Crewe, get tipped (unloaded) or do a trailer swap there, then back to Irlam.

Not too bad.

I’ve done the run before, when I was a lot crapper, and managed OK then. It’s should be better for me. It’ll be about a 10 or 11 hour shift, starting at 1500hrs, which means I should be able to get enough kip to train and have a bit of a life.

The worry about that is, if I only get 10 hours (9 hours 15 minutes paid) per shift, then it’s going to be piss poor if I lose one shift a week. Perhaps, now they’ve sacked the full timers, they won’t be giving my run to other people. Perhaps they won’t have the people to whom they can give it. We’ll see.


In other news, I know you were all growing weary of my piffling achievements in running. “A mere hill marathon? Pfft!” I heard you mutter. So I’ve upped the ante.

A 50 mile race!

Who’s with me?



It’s in September, so plenty of time to prepare/ stick pencils up my nose and say “wibble.”

Here’s the website.

It’s worth clicking that link just to remind yourself what dial-up was like. A picture appearing line by line. Hilarious.

Anyway, £31.50, who could resist?

*looks around* Oh, everyone.

It’s a 5 mile loop, then three 15 mile circuits of a reservoir. There’s a 13 hour cut off. I’m thinking 10 hours maximum. That’s with the slowing of pace required for the distance, and the fact you have to carry your own supplies; water, gels, coat, crash helmet for the scooter I’m hiring, etc.

I was commenting on the Bolton Hill Marathon on Runners World website and had a look at future events whilst I was there. That took my eye. I was wondering if I could manage it. I went on Twitter and one of my Ironman chums said “Ha ha! 50 miles. On your feet, utter insanity 🙂 Go for it, I shall watch with interest.”

That’s the kind of thing a chap wants to hear. It’s all very well for non-runners/ non- triathletes to be quite impressed with an Iron distance triathlon. I mean, before I started I thought it sounded near impossible. But then you do it. And all the people you know do it, but faster, or harder. Everyone you read about would kick your sorry arse.

Occasionally you have pause for thought.

I was saying to Wendy that on my visit to Wales my mam and our Lisa (my sister) were impressed that I was going to run for 4 hours. This made me smile as the object is to run it as fast as you can, there is no kudos in doing it for a long time, that just means you’re shit. Then Wendy said that I’m the only person she knows IRL (In Real Life)  who could actually do a marathon.

That was a moment for me.

You get so used to everyone being able to do it, usually better, that it is a real surprise to realise that it’s actually quite an achievement to just do it.

Anyway, my point was, when a fellow Ironman (you know what I mean, mine is only Iron distance, he’s a proper brand name Ironman, I was just going for brevity. Clearly I’ve failed.) is impressed with an endurance feat then it’s special. I signed up for it there and then.

Oh. My. Giddy. Aunt.

50 miles!

I had a quick look on a thread about Ultra [anything longer than a marathon is an Ultra, you knew that right? Right.] running and it said to do big runs back to back, to get your legs used to running whilst tired. This was on Tuesday (I think) so I strapped on my trainers and trotted off for a 20 mile run. I was still knackered from the marathon on Sunday so I thought it would be ideal training. At 8 miles my calf suddenly started to seize up. I had to turn around right away. It was bloody freezing still and I didn’t fancy limping home for 10 miles. My other calf went shortly after but I just tried to stay loose and managed to finish the run. 16 miles, on knackered legs. Not too shabby for my first go. Though, truth be told, the last two miles felt like I was barely shuffling along. Oddly I kept to an 8 m/m pace, but it felt like I was hardly moving.

It’s going to be a challenge, right enough.

A bitchy joke account on Twitter posted a running themed tweet;

“Karen on Facebook has…

‘Just been for a run. Feeling the burn!’

You can’t outrun your problems, Karen, and the burning is probably herpes.”


Anyway, after that my legs have been a bit iffy. I’m resting them until next week. The last thing I want is to pick up that injury again. That’s how it started; pain in my calves. Then I was off training for 6 months.

I’m going to map out some good routes. 20 miles, say. Do that on the Saturday and Sunday.  Maybe a long run route every now and then. Say, 40 miles? Writing it down is easy, it’s doing those extra 14 miles when you are knackered at the end of a marathon that is the challenge. That is why I prefer there-and-back runs, however bad it gets you have no option but to carry on.


The other thing that’s been battering my head is my bloody ‘phone. I said before how it was going from charged to dead in a few hours. I’ve ordered a new, twice as powerful battery only to find it’s shipping from Hong Kong so I have to wait for a week or three while Customs get around to clearing it. Ace. In the meantime I have been tinkering with what I’ve got. I thought it might be a glitch in the OS (Operating System). The battery status was 80% then 0%. When I plugged the charger in it was saying charged, while the battery was still saying 78% and other such crap.

I finally got brave/ desperate enough to upgrade my OS to a new all singing, all dancing version. It has that feature where you can pinch and expand pictures. Cool.

Anyway, two days of ironing out the issues (I couldn’t add one of my email accounts. It kept saying that I’d signed in correctly but didn’t add it. Manually added it to another email app on the ‘phone in the end. In your face, Gmail!)

They did say to back up all my info before wiping the old OS. Never listen. Ho hum.

Anyway, all is now working and tickity-boo. Then I took the ‘phone off charge (100%), added a contact, gave the ‘phone to Wendy to call Luke, and it died mid-conversation. Bollocks. Not the OS, then.

Saying it again. Charged. Battery at 40%.

Anyway, keep it plugged in to a charger until I get my new battery. If that doesn’t work I’ll wipe everything and try the standard OS. Failing that, it’s back to the shop.

Buggery and tarnation.

Hmm, just had a moment of confusion. It said 54%. ‘0s on battery’ Which I read as ‘OS on battery’. Took me a while to realise it was saying zero seconds used on battery.

Something is seriously amiss.

Anywho, funky new OS.


Enough of my wittering, let’s talk Twittering. That doesn’t work. Ho hum.


The DMreporter kept us abreast with the news;

BENEFITS: Church of England warns cuts could push children into poverty. “Fuck ‘em” replies Ian Duncan Smith.

MAN OF THE PEOPLE: New Pope “lives humble life in small apartment, eschews a chauffeur, cooks his own meals and hates the gays.”

HEALTH: Cure for HIV mysteriously vanishes as new Pope is elected

This week’s Daily Mail Cancer List: Mo) Shoes Tu) Facebook We) Pringles Th) Constipation Th) Mistakes Fr) Perspex Sa) Holes Su) IOS6


Politics/ Tory scum;

If you don’t think the Tories are waging a war on the poor and defenceless, then you are not paying attention.

1% pay rise for 1.4 million DRs nurses ARMED FORCES & so on. How much is MPs’ pay rise?

"you can’t borrow to promote growth can you?" says Jeremy Vine on #Marr. Somewhere, Keynes is weeping.


General observations;

"A common mistake when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." – Douglas Adams

Lovely exchange with my 12 year old nephew: Me: How do you rate the Twilight saga out of ten? Him: The numbers don’t go low enough.

Them telly journalists have gone and found a pub called ‘The Osborne View.’ Next week: ‘The Shark and Trampoline.’

Lots of doctors saying there’ll be fewer deaths with a minimum price for alcohol. I fear the number will be the same actually. Everyone.

(This looks awesome!) If you’re having trouble watching the Kick-Ass 2 trailer outside the US, this is the link you’re looking for: 

Two weeks of no pope: baby cured of HIV, breath test for cancer, salt water found on moon of Jupiter. Day one with pope: Google Reader dies.

British youth: They are not ‘Feds’. You don’t live in The Bronx, ffs… You live in Wigan.

(On Red Nose Day:)

Good on David Cameron for featuring in today’s Red Nose Day, helping to raise money for the 800,000 children he’s driving into poverty

If I have to watch Davina McCall again, I’m going to Africa, and I’m going to steal £1 from an orphan. #RND


Can’t make it up;

Due to budget cuts, only a handful of recruits to UK’s paratroopers regiment will now receive parachute training

I just read 101 ways to learn English….it was in English….am I the only one who can see the flaw?


New Pope;

So is there a new Pope? Great. I bet he’s male, white, and over 80. Great news.

Black smoke seen above the Vatican, which as tradition tells us means that the document shredder is broken and a police raid is imminent.

Does anyone really care which conservative man man is elected pope? If you want me to take the church seriously, elect a nun.

Have they announced who the new backward-thinking paedophilia-enabler is yet?

"We all find out at the same time. It’s very democratic." Sky on the result of secret negotiation between unelected old men.

I like him. He looks like Jim Bowen. ‘Stay out of the sin, and and into the red, you get nothing in this game for kids in your bed’.

"Why can’t I be the Pope?" Because you’re a girl, and you’re Jewish.

According to Sky News, the new Pope has a "beautiful smile." He is also fiercely anti-gay marriage. Swings and roundabouts, eh?


Some amazing pictures;

Sunset at 28,000 feet:

Shooting star across night sky:

Cat shaming:

And someone took a snap whilst we were on that marathon last week:

It was bracing.

And on that note,