Archive for April, 2013

Ed Balls.

Sorry, that’s a Twitter joke. Apparently two years ago today, at 1620 hrs, Ed Balls did a vanity search. ie, typed his name to see who was talking about him, but being a noob he sent it as a tweet instead of searching it. The tweet was therefore just: “Ed Balls”

For some reason this has gained massive traction as a meme and today is now Ed Balls day. My Twitter timeline was just a mass of Ed Balls today. He even tweeted it again. Bless.

Sorry, that was utterly pointless. A topical subject for my blog post title with no relevance or merit outside of it’s ‘in joke’ milieu. So, a neat metaphor for the internet.

You’re welcome.

 

Work is mad as a carrot at the minute. I had three days in, a night shift and two day shifts. I’m so far out of my comfort zone I might as well wear cactus underpants. I had a run to Bristol with an absolute bitch of a reverse. The bays had inches between them and restricted area to the front to line it up. Luckily when I went there were several empty bays so I had room to swing the trailer wide. I’d have still been there now if, as sometimes happens there, there was an extra row of trucks parked to the front and a trailer either side, and having to blind side it in.  That’s how tight it is, you can’t even go in on the drivers side, leaning out of the window, you sometimes have to go in using your offside mirror and getting out and checking every few inches. Like I say, I was lucky.

Then they sent me out on a multidrop. The fun thing about that was they gave me a sheet with my drops on, a company name (for some of them) a general area (Deeside industrial park) and a postcode. That meant I had no idea where I was going and just had to blindly follow my satnav. Except they gave me the wrong postcode for the Deeside one so I ended up driving around a little housing estate in Mold.  I had to spin a bloody great artic around in the street, go along B roads and when I’d got to the wrong location ask for the right place. It was a nightmare.

Then they sent me back to Bristol again, in the daytime so the yard was empty (yay!) but Bristol then sent me to a further two drops around the area. One in Bristol town centre. Tight little corners with stupid roads and every dickhead with a car out to have me kill them. If you’ve got a tight corner that means the arse end is going to swing wide, I was convinced I was going to wipe some of the dickheads out who were trying to come past me. I meant to check my trailer when I got back to see if I had hit anyone. When you have a bend on you can’t see your arse end.

So basically my week at work has been one of hot flushes and anxiety attacks.

 

My training kicked off at long last. I did a 2 mile and a 1.6 mile swim, a quick 35 mile ride (with two ascents of Frodsham hill) and two 10 mile runs.

I was about a mile from home on the ride when the agency called me.

“Can you go in today?”

“Sure, what time?”

“Now.”

Ace.

 

The really worrying thing was the running. That run last week where I had to stop about four times was disturbing. Then I did a 10 mile run and the whole time I just wanted to stop. It was only my self disgust that kept me going. The time was atrocious and it killed me. The achievement was just finishing the 10 miles.

I was deeply concerned. Running is the one thing that I don’t struggle with. It’s not that long ago I cruised the Bolton hill marathon. If I can’t even run then I have real issues.

Anyway, I went for the same 10 miler on Saturday. I needed to do more but I’m having major mojo issues at the minute but I thought that was the least I could do. The good news is I managed to find a comfortable rhythm for miles at time, (it was still not easy) I kept up a reasonable pace and managed to up the pace to make the last mile my fastest. It was still only a 7.20 m/m, but I’ll take it. I knocked 4 minutes off the last attempt. That’s how bad it was.

Previous run I got slower and slower and just wanted to stop, that one I kept pushing the time and still had plenty left to sprint the last bit. Slightly encouraging.

Back to it tomorrow.

 

Also I’ve been watching some films this week. I’ve found this site that is basically nerd-vana. A ton of different articles on sci-fi. One of which was ‘”90’s film you may have missed.”

I watched Dogma. Turns out there’s a bloody good reason I missed that.

Tonight we watched Boondock Saints. It’s a hoot. Sort of psychopathic Blues Brothers. On a mission from god to kill all the evil-doers. Ace film!

And we went to the pictures to watch Iron Man 3! Go us!

A Twitter chum said it was better than Avengers Assemble, which I didn’t believe. I asked and someone else said it was really good. This surprised me as Iron Man 2 was a crock of shit. Without the crock.

We risked it. We couldn’t conceive of any film being better than one directed by Joss (we are not worthy, we are not worthy) Whedon and we were right. Still, it was good. The best of the franchise and immeasurably better than 2. In a way we were relieved. Joss is still boss! #jossisboss

If you go to see it wait for the seemingly interminable credits to end as there is a bonus scene.

 

Also I tried my hand at a new recipe. Cheesecake. Off the BBC food site. New York vanilla cheesecake. It’s a bit of a faff. Cook the base biscuits, leave to cool, add the cheese mix, cook for 10 minutes, drop the temperature and cook for 25 minutes, leave to cool in the oven for 2 hours, add the sour cream mix topping, leave in the ‘fridge for a minimum of 8 hours.

It is well nice.

1367136900981

In unrelated news I am bloating out to enormous proportions and need to get on a diet. *shoves another slice of cheesecake into mouth, blubs in self loathing*

 

One other incident I’ve just remembered. I was driving back solo (no trailer) when I got passed by a van pulling a car on trailer. The trailer was narrower than the van so I was musing that he wouldn’t even be able to see his arse end when he’d overtaken and wanted to pull back into the inside lane. I subconsciously glanced in my mirror at my trailer “WHERE’S MY …..oh.”

That was a nasty shock. For a split second I thought my trailer had fallen off or something. Woke me up, mind.

 

 

“But what of Twitter?”, you ask. After the themed weeks of late, apart from the not funny Ed Balls thing it’s been a mixed bag.

The DMreporter traditionally starts us off;

ISLAM BRAINWASH: Boston bomb wife used to “love Jesus & America too / was a good girl, crazy ‘bout Elvis / loved horses & her boyfriend too”

THREAT: FBI label pressure cookers ‘weapons of mass destruction’. Tony Blair demands new investigation into Iraq’s relationship with Tefal.

SCOTLAND: Support for independence soars after Alex Salmond promises “you’ll never pay for another Tory prime ministers funeral ever again.”

SCROUNGERS: Disability claimants spending taxpayers money on acting lessons to deceive government assessors, say government assessors.

POLL: Does racism actually exist, or are none-whites making stuff up again? You decide.

NIGEL FARAGE: “150% of Romanians already living in the UK are criminals. 210% of Bulgarians are illegal. DO WE WANT MORE???”

 

 

Politics/ Tory scum

I noticed this:

Here’s a nice quote " UKIP would withdraw from the European Convention of Human Rights and the European Convention on Refugees."

That was from UKIP policy page. Alrighty, torture my arse, where do I sign?

20% of UKIP members think employers should favour white applicants #notracist

Labour today reveals x10 rise in private ambulance provision, including blue-light calls. This is how your NHS is changing under Mr Cameron.

Tories threatened to “suspend” the European Convention on Human Rights:

LOL at the Nadger standing up to ask why we can’t suspend international law and "just put Abu Qatada on a plane". Law, how does that work?

What gets missed in Qatada Daily Mail fervour, is that it is not about him nor ECHR but about UK saying, yes, torture to get ev is OK.

You must admit, facilitating extradition to Jordan by making the UK’s judicial process worse than Jordan’s, is ingenious.

This Abu Qatada farce shows how little right-wingers care for rule of law for people they dislike. If he’s a threat to UK put him on trial!

Rights that I only have if the State doesn’t feel inconvenienced by them. There’s a problem with that I can’t quite put my finger on. #ECHR

I’d like a new computer but I can’t afford one. I’m thinking maybe opt out of UK law for a bit, nick it, opt back in. Bob’s your uncle.

UKIP candidate – physical exercise prevents homosexuality (no – not satire) http://wp.me/p1U04a-4uA

(to which my gay chum @incurablehippie replied)

Ah, that’s where I’ve been going wrong!

(I answered:) Where *I* am going wrong. If it wasn’t for all this tri bollocks I could have a fabulous wardrobe.

(She agreed:)  And beautiful interior design.

IDS "tells" the poor and "asks" the well off pensioners cos the pensioners vote and victims of the Tories stay at home when elections come

Why do people call pensions benefits they,r paid for by the recipient insured entitlements get it right, don’t fall for politicians crap

"If you don’t really need that £3,000,000,000 tax break, u should pay it back to HM Revenue&Customs" Minister doesn’t tell giant coffee corp

Iain Duncan Smith urges rich elderly to ‘hand back’ benefits, but higher rate tax payers can keep their tax break

 

 

General observations:

If science was a matter of opinion, you wouldn’t be reading this on an electronic device. You’d be a bit fucking busy dying of polio.

USA says American held by N Korea on spying charges is held illegally and will not get fair trial: bloody hell imagine that #guantanamo

Feel quite sorry for the T-Rex now. I too know the pain of having had a disappointing snack. #jurassicpark

Irony at it’s best:

1. Write hilarious tweet. 2. Laugh uncontrollably. 3. Send tweet. 4. 2 Retweets 5. Die alone.

The monument to the 200,000 dead in Hiroshima. The dome in the background is the one building that stayed standing.

It’s very important to take all injuries seriously – use the acronym ‘RACE’ as a guideline: Rest, Alcohol, Chocolate & Elevation #running

When someone describes a city as a living, breathing thing they’re actually thinking of bison.

I remembered an anecdote of our Lisa (my sister)

Some new-ager was pestering my sister to sponsor her for walking on hot coals. She said she’d give her 50p a mile.

Everybody’s takin bout broadchurch. I don’t watch it but I’m also shocked! #notbeingleftout #bandwagon

The Circle Line has voted to form a breakaway republic. This brazen act of rebellion has been ruthlessly crushed, leading to minor delays.

TEECHORE: (eating ice cream) Chiltrens ,Im teech youm maney Stufe todoy . CHILTRENS: Yaye! TEECHORE: (points at sky) The Worlde am flate .

(That’s part of an ongoing twitter account. It’s a criminal/ cop story that is strangely hilarious.)

I’m sure twitter has highlighted the strange situation where home made bomb, kills 3 is a WMD, but a gun that kills scores is a human right.

St George’s day:

Ah St. George, icon of a religion I don’t believe in, symbol of the place I happened to be born in. I am positively overcome with pride

Some arsehole put:

Perhaps St George should stop fannying about slaying dragons and come back and slay some fucking Muslims to save the country!

To which a chum replied:

Unlikely, as St George is venerated in both Christain and Islamic culture. Oh, and he was Palestinian-born Greek. You’re welcome.

Heartwarming to see the the EDL celebrating the birth of a Greek born in Palestine *wipes tear from eye*

Not the stairs you want to negotiate on the way back from the pub:

Simple genius:

Top bit of headline writing:

I can’t believe Luis Suarez is being exiled to the Phantom Zone. If anything, this will strengthen General Zod.

Get your head around this: (someone had to tell me, I couldn’t work it out)

Four people arrested after burning a baby alive because they thought the toddler was the Antichrist http://shar.es/lnOS7 #religion #p2

The Skeptics™ are a shadowy cabal of people known only by their real names, who show sinister devotion to facts and evidence. #Burzynski

Just booked my summer holiday. I’m excited because staring at my phone in a different location really broadens the mind.

A terrier used for illegal badger-baiting has recovered after suffering 3rd degree burns. Nothing deadlier than a badger with a flamethrower

I have put 1 sock on. Not sure I have the energy for the other one. I bet this is how Michael Jackson started with the glove thing.

‘Mammy, I will help you to get up because I love you and you’re sooo fat’ #sigh

PRETEND you have a nut allergy by eating peanuts a few minutes before you die.

SHIT! My mate* just knocked my pint** out of my hand and ruined my new Diesel jeans***! *cat **mug of warm milk ***Fireman Sam pyjamas

UK started running military drones:

VACANCY:LINCOLNSHIRE. Do you enjoy watching weddings?Have a flair for bringing excitement to village gatherings?Become a drone pilot today!

Avoid embarrassment over not knowing which fork or spoon to use in fancy restaurants by bringing your own spork.

Firefighter with a respirator resuscitating a mama cat while her kitten looks on:

There. Kitten commitment fulfilled, I can go now.

Later,

Buck.

Ha!

So much for the easy life!

I thought after losing my regular run I would at least have a week off. Maybe struggle for a bit getting work until I found a new job. Nope. On Monday at about 1430hrs, as I was driving to Wales, the agency rang and asked if I could work at 1600 hrs. No.

I didn’t get any work Tuesday. On Wednesday I had gone out for a run, more of which in a minute, when Ceva called me direct (as opposed to ringing the agency) and asked if I could work from 2100hrs. I did. I was about an hour from finishing (about 0730hrs) when the agency rang and asked if I could start at Ceva from 10 o’clock. They had already got me a shift for 0600 hrs Friday so I said I couldn’t do it if they wanted me to do that one. They said ‘but that’s in the morning’. I thought they wanted me to work from 2200hrs, turns out they were asking me to work from 1000hrs! No again.

They got me an 1800hrs shift that day, so I ended up having less than 6 hours kip after a 24 hour day the day before. I got a bit of a lie in on Friday, then back in for 2100hrs. I turned up for the Friday shift to be told I was doing multiple drops, not my nice and easy trunking. On a time-sensitive job (getting newspapers moved) to addresses I’d never been. Ace. I got my keys and paperwork and asked if I was taking an empty trailer. They looked at my reg and said ‘no, that’s a rigid.’ Double ace. I hate rigids. It had a tail lift (the operation of which is a mystery to me) and when I got in I realised it was a manual gearbox. My joy was boundless.

It turned out to be not too bad, but it was a hell of a shock to the system.

The thing being, my supposed easy life week was way more stressful and knackering than a ‘normal’ week.

Good in a way though, as I was looking on the jobcentre site and there was bugger all decent work.

If it doesn’t get better I’ll be looking again. This is too much like hard, knackering, work.

 

That run I mentioned didn’t help. It was my first one since that nasty cold I had. I seemed to remember that running from our house, to Sankey Valley park and along the canal to the Widnes/ Runcorn bridge and back was about 12 miles. I hated it. You’ll remember my last run was the Bolton Hill Marathon which was as tough as old boots and I managed that comfortably. This time I just wanted to stop the whole time. Not slow down or turn back early, stop. That was right from the start. Bad, bad, bad. I gritted my teeth and made it to the end of the canal where it meets the Mersey and turned around. My legs were hurting, my breathing was crap, and my pace was dropping like a brick. I ended up walking about four times on the way back. Tragic.

Anyway, when I got home I checked on the satnav run app, it was 18.36 miles. I did the ‘out’ part in an hour, but it took me an hour and sixteen to get back with the stops. I’m not sure that is right. It felt really painfully slow the whole time but according to those figures I ran the first nine miles at just over 6.40 m/m. That is a bloody good time. I’ve just checked, the satnav app is adamant that is the distance and time.

Wasn’t having that. Just been and manually plotted the run route on Gmaps Pedometer, that says 7 miles out (could possibly argue for 7½ as that was a very quick, straight lines, mapping) so at best 15 miles run. Zoomed in on the ‘mapmytracks’ app on my ‘phone;

Bollocks

That’ll be why.

For the record I was not running along the surface of the canal or weaving hundreds of yards to either side and looping back on myself.

Piece. Of. Crap.

I’ll be sorting out a proper app for my next run.

Bah.

Tomorrow the training starts in earnest. This time I mean it, I’m starting to get scared.

MUST TRAIN!

 

This week on Twitter has been brief, what with the stupid shifts and trying to sleep occasionally. But we start, as ever with the DMreporter:

DING DONG: Fury as BBC isn’t shut down despite vile compromise in unwinnable situation over which they have little or no control.

WEATHER: Fury as BBC claim the hottest day of the year (in a veiled attack on Lady Thatcher’s election following the Winter of Discontent).

COUNTDOWN TO THE APOCALYPSE OF HATE: David Cameron calls emergency Cobra meeting after BBC Radio 1 begin broadcast of Top 40 countdown.

BIEBER ÜBER ALLES: Beliebers blast Anne Frank on Twitter. “She doesn’t even know who he is, why should she get RT’d” asked one. [RT’d = ReTweeted, to repost someone’s tweet]

BIEBER ÜBER ALLES: Museum staff admit ‘Anne Frank would have been more of a Rizzle Kicks kind of girl…’

FASHION: This Spring is all about tin foil hats.

FeMAIL: “We want something for nothing too!” Stay-at-home mums demand taxpayers pay for them to drink tea and watch Jeremy Kyle all day.

CAMERON: “While the media was fixated on Lady Thatcher we cut more benefits to the poor. It’s what she would have wanted.”

JUSTICE: Judge slams ‘red tape and political correctness’ as draconian EU legislation bans him from hanging shoplifter.

BREAKING: Entertainer Rolf Harris arrested over historical allegations of tying a kangaroo down, then fucking it.

LONDON MARATHON: Fury as Labour politicians take part and raise money for charity despite their disastrous open door immigration policy.

 

 

Politics/ tory scum was over represented of course;

So Thatcher’s kids avoid paying £2.4m inheritance tax because her house is owned by an offshore company.& we’re still paying for her funeral

Odd moment. Thatcher funeral now a concerted show of force by the ruling class. 700 military personnel, BBC censorship, heavy policing.

I see Cameron has called for Thatcher funeral to be depoliticised. What he means is he wants opponents to shut up so he can gain advantage

Why should we believe the #BBC when they say #DingDong didn’t get to number one? I don’t believe you. I think the #BBC is run by Tory liars.

So, who reckons it’s ‘God Save The Queen’ all over again? We got that to number 1 and they corruptly made it number 2. #bbc #thatcher

#BBC CENSORSHIP SUCKS. GIVE US OUR FUCKING LICENSE FEE BACK YOU DISGUSTING THATCHERITE SCUMBAGS! #FUCK_MAGGIE_THATCHER #FUCK_THE_BBC

Some of the crankier ‘Thatcherites’ totally misunderstand her significance. They are Beliebers with toupees.

Apparently 84% of people voted ‘No’ to a state funeral for #Thatcher in a Mail Online poll…so the Mail closed the poll.

Black workers banned from Paris railway station during Israeli president visit http://bit.ly/129Hk2b

Read about the hypocrisy of MPs voting for benefits cap of £26k, while pitching for a snap pay rise of £20k+: http://bit.ly/zCnyGX

Some people are surprised that Margaret Thatcher could get by on only four hours sleep. I’m surprised that she could sleep at all.

On Wednesday my bus to work is cancelled because of Thatcher. Just like my bus to school was, eh? eh?

The Tax Payers Alliance was suddenly conspicuous by it’s absence: I think we’d all like to get @the_tpa‘s view on the £10 million cost of Thatcher’s funeral, wouldn’t we? They’ve suddenly gone very quiet.

Banks are too important to fail and must be bailed out. Hospitals not so much… #NHS

During the Miners’ Strike, Thatcher instructed social security to refuse assistance for miners’ funerals. Now we are paying £10m for hers.

"Thatcher is reviled in parts of the country that are less important" – yes, Charles Moore actually just said that on Five Live.

More black people at a BNP meeting than #ThatchersFuneral | #JustSaying

Thatcher’s funeral on tv in the canteen, & someone is complaining their milk has gone missing from the fridge. That can’t be a coincidence..

It’s all kicking off in Millenium Square #Leeds #thatcherfuneral:

The Tories are now presiding over the slowest growing economy for 200 years, it was even better during the 2nd World War #votetory

Shorter Osborne: The fact that we have been downgraded proves that my plan to avoid downgrade was right all along.

"@evertonfc2: "Some people got £100,000 a year in housing benefit" Say Osborne. Yes George they’re called Landlords"

 

 

General observations:

I am sure if we humiliate Kim Jong Un, he’ll just back down and wait for some octogenarian hardliners to depose him. Works every time.

Posh people are idiots:

(Sub section, Top Tips:)

A CAT is the perfect pet if you enjoy spending your mornings hitting crippled rodents with a shovel

ASKING for a first class ticket when boarding a bus will give a clear indication of your social status to fellow passengers

MAKE yourself feel like a worthless liar by phoning the doctor’s and asking the receptionist for an appointment.

FAKING a heart-attack is a great way to get a free lift to work. If you work in a hospital.

 

The Muslims think they have a right to Palestine. They’re kind of right. They live there.

Disco turtle:

The young pop tart that is Justin Beiber was in gobsmacking form:

I commented that he is to self-awareness what cats are to water-skiing.

An American chum wrote:

I honestly cannot express to any of you the depth of my wanting to kick Justin Bieber in the face.

Justin Bieber hopes Anne Frank would have been a Belieber. Fuck me, as if the poor girl didn’t suffer enough.

Warning:Do Not leave your dangerous breed dog with a child. It only took minutes. It could have been prevented:

Someone posted: I have a Monday request: I need to talk to a gay man in his 50s/60s about body image issues, for an article. Get in touch. AND RT. Ta.

I RT’d it then posted: I am looking to interview hot totty who find themselves irresistibly attracted to fat, married, old duffers. For a thing. *coughs* pls RT

There was that hideous Boston bombing:

There are no Americans; no Muslims, no Christians, no maniacs, no rebels, no righteous. There are only people, defined only by what they do.

Only possible response is to limit basic rights unless perp was a winger, then solution is more guns.

Not a lot on the news about the 30 members of an Afghan wedding party that were killed by a US plane bombing

This morning I’ve heard a variety of explanations as to why American terrorism is less terroristy than other terrorism

A Black man kills, he’s a menace to society. Muslims kill, he’s a terrorist. But a White man kills, he’s psychologically unstable.

And I hope nobody will take out their anger against non-involved white men for what has happ – oh, you weren’t going to? Great!

As a white man, I’d like to make it very clear that I do not endorse terrorist acts commited by people who share my gender and skin tone.

Even though the Boston bombers are from the Caucuses, we shouldn’t blame all caucasians for what they did. That’s racial profiling.

 

 

I don’t need a man! *opens jar with hammer* *kills spider with deodorant* *buys rechargeable batteries*

Female Tea Party President says the world would be better off if only men voted http://samuel-warde.com/2013/04/mississippi-tea-party-president-janice-lane-country-would-be-better-off-if-only-men-voted/?fb_ref=recommendations-bar … Yet she wants a voice….

Top graffiti:

Bank of England admitted its QE gifted £600bn boost to the richest 50%, nothing to the rest. Read http://bit.ly/PeSKJk #bbcqt

Batman just being a total dick:

 

Man in shop just smacked my bum. I turned round and swiftly kneed him in the balls, said ‘Oops! I thought you were attacking me!’

He hobbled off with tears streaming down his face, I flounced off feeling splendid. Also – jelly beans on offer, so I win at everything.

This was brilliant. The Onion, a satirical site, actually lost their rag: http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-onions-tips-for-passing-gun-control-legislatio,32103/

A photo of black nurses saving the life of a KKK member:

Embedded image permalink

Amazing 3d drawing:

A horse canters across a field. But wait! There’s a twist. It’s your FIELD OF VISION. The horse is in your front room. This is a disaster.

Oh, you’re running the marathon, are you? Yeah? Well I’m in Ikea. Please go to my Justgiving page. Thank you.

My nana, who lives in LA, was recently admitted to hospital with pneumonia. She just got a bill for $10,000.

Feel quite sorry for the T-Rex now. I too know the pain of having had a disappointing snack. #jurassicpark

Napping kitten:

And after obligatory kitten pic, I’m off.

Later,

Buck.

Bah!

All was ticking along nicely. I booked Friday off as Wendy’s mam was coming over on the Wednesday to stay with us so I thought I’d take a long weekend.

I had that low-ness a few weeks ago where I felt washed out but I’ve not really had a cold all of this interminable Winter. I woke up on Tuesday morning with a massively dry throat and a blocked nose and thought nothing of it. Woke up on Wednesday after three hours sleep with my nose running and eyes streaming, and couldn’t get back to sleep so I had to ‘phone in sick. You can’t drive until stupid o’clock in the morning if you’ve only had three hours sleep, it would be too dangerous. Then the cold really hit and I felt lousy with it as well, so I was glad I ‘phoned in. Just in time for Wendy’s mam to get here. So that was a great way to say “Welcome to England!”

I was just starting to feel like I might survive the cold on Friday when I got a call from the agency. I’ve been sacked off. The run I’ve been doing (out of the Irlam base) has been moved to Crewe so there’s no job for me.

Bugger.

Not a great week, all in all. Still not done any training, poorly ill, and now unemployed. Skiving not Striving, according to Cameron. Not that I can skive, apparently I’m not entitled to dole as I was self-employed. Ace.

It’s not as bad as it sounds. There are plenty of agency jobs out there, it’s just I was settled into that one. It was well within my comfort zone. Now I have to be nervous again. Bah!

 

I’ll try for that Hermes job again. Some agency were advertising it but only for three days a week. If I get in at that I’ll see what happens. They might bump me up to full time quickly or I could work the odd day here and there for other agencies.

I’m still snuffly. I had a text from one agency on Friday saying they had a shift going but I’m going to wait until Monday when hopefully I’ll be better.

 

In other news, the moggy pulled through. *ambivalent face*

She’s like a different cat. (Hmm, I wonder if Wendy checked?) The poor bugger must have been really suffering before. She’s had all of her manky teeth yanked out and bit’s chopped out of her gob. She no longer smells, she’s started piling into her food and is grooming herself again. We thought she’d given up on the latter because she was old and too stiff, it must have been because her mouth was hurting her too much. Poor thing.  She’s all active and friendly now. She even seems to think I like her. Fool of a cat.

Can’t be doing with her but I don’t like to think of her suffering all that time. She stank when Wendy took her in, we just thought that was her natural rancid smell.

Anyway, it’s cost us £263 plus £97 Wendy omitted to mention, plus another check up and  £1,000. (For a new sofa, as soon as I get some work.)

Bloody cat.

 

This week on Twitter has had a bit of a theme. Can you guess what it was?

It has tickled me no end that there are three versions of Ding Dong (the witch is dead) and this week they are numbers 1, 18 and 30 in the charts. That is a beautiful thing.

 

Lets start, as is traditional, with the DMreporter. They ran a hashtag game of satirical tweets; #banbenefits it was funny but  near to the knuckle. There was only a fag paper between the satire and the real Daily Mail.

Ex-soldier near me gets top of range false legs & premium parking space. Does that stop him screaming at night? No! #banbenefits

Child benefit – forcing hard working families into tax payer sponsored communism. #banbenefits

I’ve spoken to literally some people. They all agree. Benefits cause cancer, aids and socialism. Canaidism #banbenefits

#banbenefits My wifes 4×4 mumtruck has to park 20 metres from Asda entrance, while the weak and deformed get prime parking

my neighbour has cleverly decided to have a ‘disabled’ child. Kerching! #banbenefits

THATCHER DEATH: Economic loss from funeral public holiday to be offset by tonights alcohol sales.

IN MEMORY: There will be a 2 minute cheer at 11am to mark the passing of Baroness Thatcher. Please spread the word and observe #2minutecheer

RESPECT: Mass-murdering war profiteer Tony Blair condemns those celebrating the death of Mrs Thatcher as ‘poor taste’.

PROFILE: Glenda Jackson – MP for just 20 years and only two Oscars…? Who is this no-name failure wannabe, grasping for the air of publicity?

ITUNES: Fury as modern capitalist system of measuring popular opinion disrespects Lady Thatcher.

DING DONG: Fury as BBC plan ‘short excerpt’ of Thatcher hate song, raising concerns the corporation is ‘being controlled by anarchists.’

QUENTIN LETTS: “The lefts use of democracy and appropriate methods of advancement to infiltrate our society shows how evil they really are.”

HATE CAMPAIGN: International gun runner, failed coup organiser and loan shark Sir Mark Thatcher calls people running Facebook pages “vile.”

BREAKING: Drama teacher who organised Thatcher death parties remains unrepentant as its revealed she had NHS breast implants.

(Which I didn’t think was funny until they revealed it was an actual Daily Fail headline!)

 

The majority of this week will be devoted to Politics/ Tory scum, obviously:

I contributed: “To steal from Wilde, a chap would have to have a heart of stone to read of the death of Maggie and not laugh.” And “The White Witch is dead, the snows are melting as Spring returns to the land. I’m keeping my eyes open for Aslan.”

 

Thatcher on feminism: "I hate feminism. It is a poison." Thatcher on Mandela: "He is a terrorist." Thatcher on Pinochet: "Welcome."

Thatcher’s policy on homosexuals was to shame and eradicate them. Her policy advisors called for concentration camps for people with AIDS.

This week I learned that blaming six kids’ deaths on the welfare state is "legitimate", but celebrating Thatcher’s death is HORRIBLE

Margaret Thatcher’s greatest achievement is that she is still Prime Minister.

Those celebrating Thatcher’s death are very crass. Let us not forget she was a mother, a grandmother and somebodies living embodiment of evil

All readings at #Thatcher‘s memorial service will be read out in Parseltongue.

This is what life was like under #thatcher in 1984….:

 

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Well, she’s dead. That’s the main thing.

Thatcher’s only been in hell for 20 minutes and she’s already closed down 3 of their furnaces. #Thatchersisdead

(BTW, that hashtag caused some confusion abroad as people though Cher had died!)

If your death launches "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" to the top of the Billboard charts You were probably not as loved as the US media thinks

Love him or hate him, Hitler was a conviction politician.

I think it would be a really nice touch if today, in remembrance of Thatcher, you joined your Union.

Wow, this #Thatcher they’re describing sounds #amazing. I wonder if she was #related to the one who #ruined #Britain in the 1980s.

Right-wingers think it’s your fault if you’re poor & didn’t choose a wealthy dad who owned an off-shore, tax-free investment bank in Panama

If You do not want People to Say Bad things about you when you Die, Do Not do Bad things to People when you are Alive.

In the end, all a person can do is try to live their life in such a way that it doesn’t require 700 armed guards to protect their coffin.

"what’s the difference between Thatcher and Cameron? Hopefully about a couple of weeks"

Kind of comforting, actually. If #DingDong can cause this much panic, what would a bucket of water do? #melting

Like Muppet/politician lookalikes? Well, this is the best you’ll ever see!

I hope Thatcher never dies again. It’s getting right on my tits now.

"Nation united in mourning" as Telegraph comments remain switched off, music charts censored, protesters intimidated in the press.

Reminder that 85% of the residents of Grantham voted against erecting a statue of Thatcher in the town.

The rights to (and profits from) "Ding dong the witch is dead" belong to Fox. Which is owned by Rupert Murdoch. Now that, Alanis, is irony.

Reasons why my gran is ace 2546: she just told me how pissed she got to celebrate thatcher’s death. She is 87

"if you ignore what he stood for, Bin Laden is definitely a role model for young men globally".

Seeing Thatcher as a role model simply because a woman is like seeing a lamppost as a role model because it stands upright #bbcqt

Getting my head round a song being censored not for its content (innocuous without context) but for people’s presumed reasons for buying it

Someone said: If the Beeb don’t play ‘Ding dong’ will those of you who are living in denial finally admit the UK has gone full on fascist & DO SOMETHING?

To which I replied:

It will be like The Glorious Workers Revolution we had when they banned ‘God Save The Queen’, by the Pistols. (And)

And who can forget that misguided summer of love when everyone joined a commune for a love-in when they banned ‘Relax’, by Frankie?

 

Some brilliant graffiti:

 

 

Some general tweets;

When Michael Foot was in charge of a nuclear disarmament committee, The Times headline read "Foot Heads Arms Body."

(That young girl got sacked for some offensive tweets when she was 13 / 14 years old leading to this: ) Resign! > Kent Youth Commissioner Paris Brown admits pushing toddler over in soft play area when she was 2.

NEWS! ‘Racist, drug-taking’ Youth PCC promoted to Chief Constable.

(Some optimism from this week’s @Sweden: ) The best thing about living alone in Sweden in the winter is knowing the body won’t rot as quickly if you choke on something and die.

New Parent Idea: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest. 2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he’s 10.

What kind of idiot forgets to bring his semi-auto to a Texas school massacre? He killed No one! Hates LIBERTY!!!

I noted: Nutter goes on rampage in US school *without* a gun. 21 attacked. No deaths. If only there was some sort of lesson to be learned #nra

Just seen a fat butterfly, coughing and wheezing and trying to haul his fat arse off the ground. Broken Britain.

There are some right evil bastards in the world:

Roughly what time is the heatwave starting? Just wondering whether I should bother scraping the ice off the car. #heatwave

Yes, a GOP Congressman actually said: ‘If babies had guns they wouldn’t be aborted’ http://thkpr.gs/10ZeGgi #icymi

"What d’you mean by class?" "Well, it’s like trains. Some people have reserved seats, the rest stand in the puddle of piss outside the loo."

If I can’t wish for more wishes, my first wish is for more genies. Don’t try and out-loophole me, you lamp-dwelling twats.

 

And I had a bit of whimsy:

Random thought 2, How do Cockneys ask for oranges?

Spare a thought for the Cockneys this morning. Unable to order oranges, weak from vitamin C deficiency, flopped over their barrows.

"Who will buy my lovely violets?" They croak. (Probably means something about pilots.)Then die from rickets. #prayforcockneys

 

In hindsight, adding "get your shit together" to my to do list might not have been specific enough.

Death is just nature’s way of telling you that your life was a complete waste of time.

So many depressing tweets, chill out!! just remember bad times won’t last forever.. because, you know, death.

Oh no it’s Monday again:

Marmoset monkey cuteness:

 

And on that note, toodles.

Later,

Buck.

Lard arse.

I’m sat here replete with Chinese and pants undone. Sorry for that mental image. My guts are actually uncomfortable I’m getting that fat again.

Sounds like someone is firing off a shotgun. That’s outside, not my guts. Just thought I’d live blog it in case it turns out to be a bunch of murders.

Anyway, assuming some mofo doesn’t pop a cap in my ass in the badass ghetto that is Great Sankey, I’ll carry on moaning about my fatitude.

Not good. After the diesel drenching and consequent clothes binning last week I went and bought some more trousers. I’d lost a lot of weight so I bought 32”, thinking that would be comfortably slack for the driving. They were well tight, and that’s the “Of course you’re a 32, and a svelte one at that” lying-to-your-face Asda size 32. Oh dear. So that means I’m bulging out of a pair of 34” trousers. Like the Stay-Puff dough boy in Ghostbusters. If he’d been wearing trousers. That were too small for his doughy lardarse. Not the best of similes.

About the diesel thing, a chum on twitter said I should have dried them out and seen how they burned instead of binning them, she said it was her first thought. I replied my first thoughts were “Gosh darn it!” and “Hmm, what’s that heady perfume so redolent of carcinogens?”

But back to the lard; Must. Stop. Pigging!

To add to the dilemma, that running backpack/ water bottle/bladder holder is a designed to be a snug fit. It has to be as movement is what causes friction and thus webbing burns. Nobody wants webbing burns. Your skin gets rubbed off at the same time as you get bruised from the bouncing action. The worst part is getting it on the small of your back. You think you are just stiff and bruised because you can’t see it. And then you get in the shower. That is an experience you never forget.

Anyway, snug. So they have a fitting chart of height and weight. If I’m going to be running the distances I’m after I’ll be quite lean, so I want a medium pack for my height. Unfortunately I’m currently lardy (nearly a stone and a half overweight) which puts me firmly in the large category. If I buy a large it won’t fit me by the time it comes to the race, if I wait until it fits me I won’t be used to running in a pack.

Also, the (Outlaw) race is 13 weeks tomorrow (Sunday 07.04.) so again with the ‘no pressure’.

 

In other news, Little Cat has been turning her smelly little nose up at her food lately. Then she started trying to eat then making whining sounds and leaving it. Wendy got worried so she took her to the vets. You’ll remember this is a stray that used to sit on our windowsill and beg food. Not a cat we got. One that imposed its rank, bad tempered self upon us. Anyway the vet said she has manky teeth and a growth under her tongue. She’s going in on Monday to get sorted, £250 -£350, ballpark figure. Wendy’s currently got her on suicide watch in case she throws herself under the wheels of my car. Several times.

 

In desperately sad news, I heard on Twitter this week that Iain M Banks, my favourite sci-fi author went to the doctors with a bit of back pain, they ran some tests and it turns out he’s got bad cancer that’s already spread around his organs and they don’t think he’ll last a year. Imagine that. Going to the quacks with a bad back and them telling you you’re going to be dead in a year. He’s 59 years old and was in fine fettle. Poor bastard. Obviously I’m a bit gutted for me but, bigger picture, for him. It’s like when Peter Sellers died, I was only a kid and didn’t know him, but I loved his work so much I felt a personal loss. He’s a vocal Humanist as well, so he has no fluffy afterlife to soften the blow. It was from his books I got the quote “We come from, and go to, nothing. A lack like shadow that throws the sum of life into sharp relief.”  We have the logical comfort that although we cease to exist, which is terrifying, we won’t know about it. Better a bitter truth than a comforting lie. Or not. Whatever.

 

Well, the pointlessness of existence, the futility of life in the face of the inevitable and the vanity of hope when faced with oblivion. Sound. To paraphrase Bill Bailey, that puts this blog into some sort of perspective.  It may be a waste of pixels but we’re all going to die, so what the fuck?

 

While we are all still here though, we might as well point and laugh at the crazy world of Twitter.

 

We start, as is custom, with the DMreporter:

WEATHER: Cold snap to last until May after George Osborne admits to selling Spring to the Germans.

The Daily Mail Easter Cancer List: Mon) Chocolate Tue) Bunnies Wed) Eggs Thu) Crosses Fri) Lamb Sat) Sin Sun) The blood of our Lord.

EASTER: The War on Christmas starts here.

IMMIGRATION: Theresa May admits she wouldn’t hesitate to extradite Jesus as a Middle East cleric who “won’t be tortured” .

INTERNET: Is Facebook too leftwing? Critics blast social networking site for allowing so many posts opposing government reforms.

THREAT: UK public demand ID cards to stop foreigners having things we’d be entitled to in their countries. Government reluctantly agrees.

EDITORIAL: ‘We can write what we like with impunity, and if you suggest a watchdog to monitor basic decency we’ll call you a socialist.’

BENEFITS: Government announces that those receiving state support or tax credits are to wear a yellow star in public.

GRAND NATIONAL: First female jockey fails to win race. Does this signal the end of women in the sport?

 

 

Politics/ tory scum:

18 out of 29 [millionaire] cabinet ministers get a £42,000 tax cut tomorrow. The same day the #bedroomtax begins.#workfare "We,re all in this together"

Ian Duncan Smith (IDS) said he could live on £53 a week dole. Immediately there was an online petition started to get him to prove it. He refused saying it was a stunt. Hence;

No, IDS, thats not £53 plus food, 1st class travel, second home, duckhouse, moat and a doss job for a relative expenses. Its ALL YOU GET.

"I could and have lived in a big pit of bears and wolves and lions. I have no problems forcing poor people to do this for sport." – IDS

Iain Duncan Smith Says He Could Live on £53 a Week? His Lunch Cost More than That

In 2009, the same year IDS took 6 months off work, he managed to claim £98,077 in expenses.

No public sector pay freeze for the Queen – she just got a rise of £6 million (20%). Tax free.

Sure Iain Duncan Smith could live on £53 a week. But who would pay him that much?

The Queen says "if I had to I would" live off a £5 million pay rise #IDS #ToryBritain

Former Tory MP Edwina Currie says SHE could live on £53 a week. Asked her to talk to @5_News about it, she wanted 500 quid

So charmed to see our glorious chancellor using the deaths of six children to justify his assault on the welfare state and the poor #bastard

The Cabinet stood, hands clasped, atop Westminster Palace intoning "SNOW, SNOW FOREVER ON THE UNDESERVING POOR, SPRING IS NO MORE"

"In its last year before privatisation, our railways required just £431m in public subsidy. By 2006 the figure had reached over £6bn" #maths

I’m with Osborne, naive to think benefit levels don’t factor in that calculation we all make everyday on whether or not to kill our kids.

If more Tories were like Alex Massie, I wouldn’t advocate legislation allowing hunting them with dogs for sport quite so ferociously.

#IDS lied about attending Uni of Perugia,he lied about his wife being his secretary,he lied about living on breadline.Probably not even bald.

You’d think, given the 140 character limit imposed by twitter on tweets it would be impossible to sum up the whole of the IDS affair and offer a reasoned critique of it. I flatter myself I proved otherwise:

“I can live on £53=claim. Go on then= challenge. It’s a stunt=cowardice. IDS is a cunning stunt= Spoonerism.”

I thank you.

 

The real Daily Mail ran this about the killing of six kids;

Do you think the Mail is aware it’s just effectively called six dead children ‘vile products’, or does it just not give a shit?

If outraged by the Daily Mail, tell the Chair of the PCC’s Code of Practise Committee. He’s Paul Dacre. Editor of the Daily Mail

The rich have babies. The poor ‘breed’. We’re no more than dogs to these people. Except they’d feed a starving dog.

Mick Philpott no more sums up people on welfare than Lord Lucan does the wealthy. Those poor dead children. Shame on you Daily Mail.

How long until certain papers are asking the govnmt, on behalf of ‘hard working families’, for a ‘final solution’ to the ‘welfare problem’?

What if Iain Duncan Smith lives on £53 a week and then goes on a killing spree? What then? SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE WITH YOUR BLOODY PETITION???

I don’t about you, but when my nan claims winter fuel allowance, I often think "you’re capable of murdering your family".

Does anyone have a copy of the infamous Daily Mail front page where they used the Fred West trial to denounce all self-employed builders?

Dear Daily Mail, When will you be running your front page about JK Rowling: Super Awesome Product of Welfare UK? Regards, M. Cox

#WhatsYourClass Should have a box called "Do you often agree with the Daily Mail?" which, if clicked, forwards you to the Dignitas website.

I notice Daily Mail didn’t cover Seddon’s murder of his parents for inheritance cash as "PRODUCT OF FREE MARKET CAPITALISM UK". Odd that.

Remember when Harold Shipman killed several hundred people on purpose and we debated whether that means all middle class people are evil?

Funny, right-wingers have abandoned the view that blame for crime is about personal responsibility, rather than their circumstances.

….only a couple of years ago Right said poverty and deprivation had nothing to do with London Riots; was just about individual criminality

Should we abolish House of Lords cos Lord Lucan’s crimes were facilitated by his hereditary peerage (cash, network etc)?

Millionaire Christopher Foster killed his wife, his child, his horses, his dogs, then torched his mansion. Vile product of fat cat Britain?

Sending Philpott to jail will cost more than sending him to Eton, but does at least have a better chance of turning him in to a decent human

I saw a man (around 60?!) in Waitrose earlier who was standing next to the newspapers for ages tutting at everyone who bought the Daily Mail

I thought the last tweet was brilliant. ‘Sticking it to the man’, Brit style. Stood there tutting. Hilarious.

 

 

Easter tweets:

King Herod defends privatising crucifixions and spare tomb tax, insists slaughter of firstborn essential for economy

So my Easter eggs haven’t hatched, and my incubator is fucking ruined.

 

 

The boat race attracted some tweetage:

Sixteen knobs in canoes. Couldn’t give less of a fuck.

The *Marines* are guarding the boat race from any oiky protesters. The frickin’ MARINES.

IMAGINE the trash talk that goes on between Oxford & Cambridge "I say. I heard your mum once went to Wolverhampton" "You take that BACK SIR"

My heart says Oxford but my head says Cambridge #boatrace [to which I added]  <<My very soul cries out "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!"

 

 

General tweets:

Funny how British people who live abroad are expatriates, while foreigners who live in Britain are immigrants.

It gets worse 🙁 Daily Heil: "Website that charges £19 for ‘tips’ on how to milk disabled benefits system"

Iowa man shoots pistol at a tree..Tree falls on him. He’s expected to recover. ** Yep! Another tree attack foiled by a gun owner. #NRA

I can hear a jack-booted army in the distance marching towards the town. Yikes. Oh no,.. wait, it’s the packet of tictacs in my pocket. Phew

There is no god. It’s a clerical error

BBC reports that Goths are to get hate crime protection. "Too little too late" responds Chieftain Fritigern, in a statement dated 378.

Grand National day tomorrow. I have no television so I intend to recreate it by throwing lasagnes over my neighbours fence.

The only thing more exciting than horse-racing is everything else.

Convince your dog its in the Grand National by taking it for a nice run in the park before shooting it in the face.

Asked to come up with some menu ideas for a vegan coeliac with a nut allergy. So far all I’ve got is ‘false tooth with a cyanide pill in it’

FOLDING FITTED SHEETS: 1) pair up adjacent corner seams 2) wad the entire thing up in a big ball 3) who cares this is impossible 4) bourbon

 

Amazing ice sculpture:

 

And finally, we can shut the internet down after this, it has peaked:

HAAAAAAAAAHHAAHAHAHAHA *laughs forever*

Sorry if that was too much. It’s been a stressful week for a Lefty.

Later,

Buck.