Month: May 2013

47 not out.

It was my birthday! Huzzah!

I was working, and I don’t drink or do other drugs, but I celebrated by not dying. Again. Quite the party animal, me.

However, it got me to thinking; all I do is work, sleep whenever I can, and train whenever I can force myself to do so. Life is passing me by. No more. I have a plan!

Yes, all who know me or have read this blog before will know I make plans, get all excited, then quietly give up shortly thereafter. Not this time.

I’m saving up each week and for my 50th I’m getting a Harley. I think I have finally reached the age where I could just enjoy puttering along at the speed limit. I’ve given up on boy-racer-ing in the car. I don’t take the piss even on the motorways. If I can ride a bike like that I can stay in a job, with a bike and out of hospital.

I’m saying my 50th, arbitrarily, as it will give me time to save and also time to tick all of my other mid-life-crisis, (pushbike subsection) boxes before I get it. Which is to say; the Fred Whitton (a 112 mile ride around the most hideous hills in the Lake District:


Now *that*, my friend, is a ride!

Also there’s the Lands End to John O’Groats thing and a brand name Ironman. I’m not going to go through life saying “I did an Iron distance tri” For brevity if nothing else, I need to do the brand name event.

“Yeah, did the Ironman.” See, so much neater. No-one respects a man who says “I did a generic Iron distance triathlon”

I digress.


I’m thinking a second hand 1200cc Sportster. The good thing about it is; 99% of Harley riders only bring them out of the shed on the one glorious day we have each year. So even one that’s a few years old may never have seen rain (or rust) and will have covered a pitiful distance. Some of them are a few years old and don’t have 5,000 miles on the clock!

This for example:

2004, one owner from new, 3,981 miles! That’s going for £4,850 right now. If anyone wants to buy it me I’ll reluctantly accept.

There is a possible non sequitur there. I have to do all my box ticking (cycle section) before I get a Harley as I’m never getting back on a pushbike once I have one. Phase II of my midlife crisis involves me getting back on a Harley and getting fat. (Fatter!)

I have the incentive this time of knowing that my livelihood (as well as life) depend on my riding like a sane commuter. I reckon I can now.


That’s for the future, though I started the saving this week. If I get a well paid job I would prefer a ‘big’ Harley.

At nearly 13k I would have to be on a massively well paid job though.

This new shift at work is comparatively brief, about 10 hours a day, and it’s relatively social hours, 1300- 2300 ish, but I’ve not adjusted to sleeping so early yet. I’m constantly knackered at work. Which means I have to drive with the window down and get a painful, stiff shoulder or fall asleep. I’m reminded of the sage words of the Dread Pirate Roberts: “Life is pain, princess.” (“Anyone who tells you different is trying to sell you something.”)

I know I’m still alive because I’m in pain. It’s not much of a comfort, truth be told.

Still, at least it gets me thinking about The Princess Bride, one of the best films, EVER!

The Dread Pirate Roberts, Inigo Montoya (“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”) and THE CLIFFS OF INSANITY!  What more could you ask from a film?


I say I’ve started saving towards my bike, what I mean is I’ve moved some of the debt.

We usually pay £78 a month combined gas/ ‘lecy, direct debit. I checked the bank and they’ve taken out £306. Not so much as a by-your-leave.  I rang them up, about to go mad with them and they said they hadn’t taken a reading since December (who’s fault is that?) and, once I’d provided them with a reading, we actually owed £500+ . They hadn’t taken the £306 into account so ‘just’ upped our payment to £100 a month to pay of the remainder in a year. You set up direct debits to spread the cost so you don’t get huge surprise bills. If we had budgeted for £78 and they suddenly quadrupled the direct debit we would have been screwed. Luckily we are living in the land of plastic so it just got added to the bill. Bah.


I sent away my completed medical form for my HGV licenses on Monday, as soon as I get that back I’ll be applying to Iceland. I’m on £8.75 an hour at Ceva, the shift I did (on a Saturday, mind) at Iceland I was getting £12.50 an hour. And paid breaks. And a free nervous breakdown.


Next week the company I run to (Sealy beds) is off after Monday for 10 days so I’ve told the agency I’m having Tuesday and Wednesday off to do some training. Only six weeks until the Outlaw, that’s five weeks of training (you have to rest for the week before.) *gulp* Tuesday I’m going to do the full ride (112 miles) and a big run. I have to know in my head that I can do this.

A swim would be nice as well, I’ll have to look into whether there are any early sessions available.


Today has been mostly spent avoiding doing training. The thought of a 20+ mile run is too much today. Instead I’ve bought a lawn mower and mowed, bought and planted two new Acers and bought and replaced a washer on a tap. It has been dripping for years. I’m updating my CV to include ‘bit of a plumber’.


I’ve just watched The Mask of Zorro. Oh dear, oh dear. Wendy has seen bits of it and liked it, but not all. I’d never seen it. They were happier times. Dear oh deary me.

I’m sure there were loads of things I was going to say, but as ever they’ve slipped my mind.

So, without further ado, it’s off to my brief time spent on Twitter;

The DMreporter had a hoot with the tories going into meltdown over gay marriage:

GAY MARRIAGE: The facts – • Eastenders to feature gay couple ‘who are always naked’ • Beastiality, necrophilia & incest ‘next on the list’

GAY MARRIAGE: The facts – • House prices to tumble • Leeds to be queer only • CofE priests ‘must give blowjobs’ • Increased cancer threat

GAY MARRIAGE: The facts – • Heterosexual couples MUST divorce • Children of gay unions ‘grow horns’ • Schools to introduce rimming lessons.

GAY MARRIAGE: The facts – • Payments to the EU to rise by £500bn • More terrorist attacks likely • Public gay sex ‘a legal requirement’

TERRORISM: Fury as police continue to deal with criminal matters involving white people in wake of Woolwich attack.

GHETTO BRITAIN: ‘Claim benefits for more than 5 years and become Soylent Green’ – government to end scrounging and hunger problems.

POLITICS: Lord Ashcroft warns the Conservatives face a “spiral of irrelevance.” Cameron counteracts by promising a “cascade of perpetuity.”

POLITICS: MPs demand pay rise in line with what inflation should be were they doing their jobs properly.

BREAKING: “It’s all downhill from here” admit experts on everything.



Politics/ Tory scum:

Tory MP, currently with his third wife and counting, says the same sex bill devalues the institution of marriage #awks

Tory Tebbit warns gay marriage could lead to lesbian Queen & artificially inseminated heir Are we supposed to care?

former Archbishop Desmond Tutu, speaking in favour of #equalmarriage: "if God is a homophobe, he is a God not worth worshiping"

Cameron: Black man is shot, nation-wide riots ensure for days- Stays on Holiday. White man is beheaded- Calls COBRA.

Nick Griffin said earlier he thinks Britain should "kick out hate preachers". Right, who’s driving him to the airport?

(UKIP tips subsection)

Aslan is a character in C.S. Lewis’s The Chronicles of Narnia series and not a religion hell-bent on the Aslanification of the UK

Shania Twain has nothing whatsoever to do with Islamic law.

Save valuable time on developing environmental policies by not giving a flying fuck


General observations:

Just so you know, kissing someone mid-sentence works better in films than when a bus conductor is asking why you don’t have a valid ticket.

Raining in Biblical proportion in Norfolk, as locals gather, hold webbed hands, flex their gills and chant "our time approaches"

Emergecy COBRA meeting called to discuss what vile, intrusive, illiberal shit can be foisted on the public off the back of one murder.

I’m actually quite surprised that Tebbit’s still around to talk shit. I’d assumed he’d thrown himself on Thatcher’s funeral pyre.

Well, I say ‘assumed’. More like ‘hoped’.

Norman Tebbit: "But what if a horse married a cupboard and then a baby happened? What if a Viscount bummed an apple strudel? What then?"

I thought Dan Brown’s new book had a tighter narrative but obscene levels of product placement. Turns out I was reading the Argos catalogue

Paris Hilton is releasing a new album. There has literally never been a better reason for the Death Star to explode your planet.

Are the media referring to the EDL’s attack on a mosque today as a TERRORIST attack or is it only if it’s brown people. I forget.



I noted (as the media and Right all started screaming “MUSLIM TERRORISTS!)

Btw, When I was a soldier in Woolwich the (Provisional) IRA were killing us. Ergo all white xtians are terrorists. First against the wall. #twats

I expanded it on Facebook:

Getting on board with the hysteria. When I was a soldier in Woolwich the Provisional IRA was big on killing us, therefore it follows that all white xtians are terrorists. Join with me in sending them back where they came from. They are all bastards. ‘Cos racism.

And noted:

‘Xtian looking’ white man murders a 75 year old Muslim. Quick mobilize COBRA it’s a terrorist attack. Oh wait, no-one gives a fuck.



Just seen my first mention that yesterday’s murderers were probably claiming benefits. Does anyone have a full house yet?

Of course the Westboro Baptist Church blamed the #Woolwich killing on "UK acceptance of gay people": …

My company has a really strict dress code:

Just seen a recruiter ask on a tech list why ppl hate recruiters. I can’t watch.

#twitter will morph through AI and teach itself how to carry a pitchfork and flaming torch one day. #Twitternator The Plebs Strike Back

RT @PantsTips Use pants to cover up any genitalia you may have.

I love the British. Eyewitness on @Channel4News who was on plane when engine caught fire said ‘we all thought, this is not looking good.’

BRAINIUS: (onstage) Didyu evere Knuw yor moy hero?Everthinge Im wuld liek To be!Im floy hihger than a Neegle!Youm am Winde beneep moy wengs!

Jesus Mary & Joseph, either that’s a fox howling directly outside the window or something has come for my soul

Limiting GP appointments only makes sense if the government can share out health problems more evenly

If you only see one kettle that looks like Hitler today, make it this one:

And on that note,



Same ol’.

It’s been tweaking of the norm at work. I was getting in for 1500hrs, sitting around for 30- 90 minutes for that jobsworth I’ve been sharing a unit (truck) with to get back then trotting off up to the Scottish border, doing a trailer swap and then back to Crewe. This takes until about 2330hrs. Then on Tuesday the guy at Crewe went on one. “You’re supposed to be here by 8 o’clock! Now we’ve missed the connection for the next driver” etc, etc. I let him rant a bit then told him that was a good run. I couldn’t get there much faster. If he wanted an earlier delivery I’d have to start earlier. “It’s not rocket science.”

That went down well.

I put my ‘phone on silent when I go to bed otherwise I get random tweets and emails waking me up. On Wednesday I got up at 1210, had a quick shower, turned the volume back on on my ‘phone and saw I had two missed calls and a text. From the agency. Start at 1300hrs from today.

Aaaarggghhhh! Flap on.

I got in for 1315. (In the car.)

The change of times means I can get back to Crewe for 2115. Not what they want but near enough to stop them whining.

The great things about the change are; not having to sit around waiting for Bill to get back, not having to talk to the brain-donor security guard at Aspatria and a more reasonable finish time. I can get to bed by 0100.

The downside is as it’s a straight run with no waiting around now I’m only averaging about 9 hours 15 minutes (paid) a day. This is piss-poor in the lorry driving world.


Then they were desperate for drivers at Iceland this weekend. So after a full week at Ceva I went in today (Saturday). It’s not so much the money (which, let’s face it, never goes amiss) but the fact that I want to keep my foot in the door there.

They sent me out with a 9 metre trailer. Titchy. To Ashton. I noticed it was marked as a “RED ROUTE”. This did not inspire joy. They have some awkward bastard stores as it is, which aren’t marked as red route. Hence this had to be bad. It was. I had to drive an (admittedly relatively small) artic through a pedestrianized zone in a town centre, then reverse in a tiny street on to the bay.

I managed it after a couple of attempts. It was that tight that I took up all the road and I still wasn’t straight. ie, my unit wasn’t in line with my trailer. I asked the guy who worked there and he said that wouldn’t do, I had to back it in and leave my unit at a right angle to my my trailer. I was less than chuffed. In the end I had to get it like this:

It was totally weird. You never set up the trailer to leave the cab like that, so I was having to work out how to get the trailer on while at the same time leave the unit skewed. Odd.


I have started riding in to work. I’ve drastically reduced my kit and manage to get everything in that fancy arse saddlebag thing I bought last year. This means nothing on my back. Yay!

It’s jam packed though, so I only pack my waterproof coat (no room for leggings). It’s been pleasantly warm so I’ve been going in my shorts. Obviously it has pissed down most nights. But of course.

I finally gave up on conventional wisdom this week. The received wisdom is you pedal at 90 rpm and choose the gear that lets you do that. Supposedly you do it in higher gears as your muscles develop.


I’ve been doing it like that since I got back on a bike (3 years ago?) and I’m still changing down to mid range gears over tiny hills just to keep up the cadence. Then I thought back to my teens (when I had calves of granite) and I didn’t know about this new-fangled philosophy. I just stuck it in top gear and went like stink.

I’m fairly certain it’s a body-builder truism that you use light weights, repeatedly, for muscle definition, heavy weights for muscle building. Anyway, I’m in 10th gear (it’s actually about 14th gear nowadays, but to me 12 tooth/ 52 tooth will always be 10th gear)  all the way now. And I’m adjusting my saddle back up the height I think it should be at. Screw this cramped position, I’m going to have a full pedal swing of power.

Yeah, that’s me sticking it to the man.


Wendy has been to see Star Trek this week and loved it. I’ll wait till it comes out on DVD. However, I did watch Doctor Who. Utterly awesome. And it’s about time. The whole of this series has been sacrificed to set up that (admittedly epic) episode. It seems to support my contention that what is wrong with this series is Clara. River Song makes an appearance and the show is sublime again. It does cast Amy Pond in a good light though. Clara is pretty (as was Amy) but is so much less than engaging. So it wasn’t just her looks that made the (Amy) character, is what I’m saying. I’m sure that could have been expressed more eloquently.


My Snooper trucknav arrived. That is one hell of a bit of kit. It kicks the crap out of the Tomtom. I only got to use it yesterday for Iceland, but it really does the job. I’m prepared. Bring it on!


Oh, I had my HGV medical renewal form returned to me, which was nice. £88 for the doctor to tick the boxes on a form and she’d missed out five of them. Ace. She’s not in until tomorrow, hopefully she can just do the five ticks and give me the form back. I don’t want to have to wait for another appointment. Or pay again.


The only other thing is I’ve switched diets. I can’t bear that meat one. I’m just having 50g of rice and homemade curry for breakfast/ dinner the same for my packed lunch and a small bowl of cereal when I get in from work. With the cycling it is working, slowly. It’s better slow than not at all. I can only last days on that meat one then I have to eat something.


On Twitter we had:

The DMreporter

AWARDS: Fury over new BAFTA category – ‘Best Performance by an Actor Currently Charged or on Bail for Sex Offences.’ #BAFTAS

CINEMA: New Star Wars film to be shot in Britain, continuing our tradition of producing underwhelming franchise additions 30yrs too late.

This week’s Daily Mail Cancer List: Mon) Curry Tue) Dry skin Wed) Velcro Thu) USB 3 Fri) Nice walks Sat) Zumba Sun) French kissing

BAFTAS: Whose boobs nearly fell out and whose didn’t? A sensitive pictorial essay.

SCANDAL: Fury as BBC admit to knowing the iPlayer caused cancer as far back as 1987.

IMMIGRANT HELLHOLE: A spokesman for Migrationwatch said ‘every time a foreigner moves to Britain a puppy dies.’

EDUMACATION: Michael Gove receives vote of no confidence from humanity.



Politics/ tory scum:

Mick Philpott kills 6 kids: Tories blame benefit system. Bedroom tax victim commits suicide: Tories "don’t comment on individual cases"

The EU or Michael Gove? Hm, tough call. Oh no hang on, I’ve decided.

If it is a ‘spare room subsidy’ where is the corresponding ‘overcrowding payout’?

(UKIPtips subsection:)

Having no objection to being called a ‘Brit’ is a great way of justifying calling people of other nationalities whatever the fuck you want

Tell inquisitive children that a same-sex kiss is what happens when people become too reliant on the state.


TV news camera person we salute you


A gang of toffs calling each other daft names dominates BBC news, selling off your NHS to same gang of toffs and not a mention #bbccomplicit

The EU, UKIP, his own backbenchers or the electorate? I’m not sure who Cameron’s fighting, but I do know he’s not winning.

English chums, be clear Farage’s debagging was nothing to do with nationalism. It’s a cross party affair. EVERYBODY thinks he’s a bawbag.

Ukip donor says women in trousers are ‘hostile’ and unmarried mothers need a ‘smack’ via @Telegraph

Tory association heads say support for gay marriage has cost them next election, may I point out you haven’t won one since 1992


General observations:

I saw less flares in 1975 than in the new Star Trek film

A 3D printer that can make guns? Pffft, that’s nothing! I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Referendum: Should this government leave the UK? A: Yes.

Scientists say people who drink daily reduce their risk of heart attack. As for livers, scientists said "fuck livers" and then high-fived.

First kebab was invented in 1994, when an emo lamb set himself alight when hearing Kurt Coban had died. The result was tragic/delicious.

I have made up a joke. Question: How many UKIPs does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: Fuck off UKIP.

Oh jesus. Someone has burgled my house and all they took was that cup of tea I just made for mysel- Ah no, there it is. Never mind.

Amazon made more money from government grants than it paid in tax last year – #corporatewelfare

That awful time I was in Berlin, marching along, repeatedly pointing at a bird shouting "Seagull! Seagull!" while sniffing my toothbrush 🙁

I had a bad moment: "*L/h/s chest pain* FUCK! HEART ATTACK! Me, triathlete, heart of an ox. Irony. Who will tell twitter I’ve died? *burp* oh. As you were.

This prostitute song is good. It’s like the Oompa Loompa Sex March. <<#LesMis

Just typed in belly porn instead of belly pork in google. Not very hungry anymore.


That’s your lot. I just don’t get time to browse everyone’s tweets anymore. What is Amnesty International’s twitter handle?



Oh how we laughed.

You know that little incident I had last week with my TomTom (supposedly) Trucknav?

The one that nearly had me ringing the police and blubbing like a girl?

I got on to TomTom. There was no way to contact them on the ‘phone so I ended up in a protracted email exchange. I said that I’d looked it up and there were two versions of the model I have, one for cars and one for trucks. They said they only sold the lorry one, so I couldn’t have the car one. They told me to check my settings. I did. Then tried the test route again. (Irlam  to Lymm. The quickest route takes you down a B road and over a 3 ton bridge.)

The satnav told me to take the bridge. In a 40 ton, 53’ artic.

I told them.

They said I had to turn my notifications on. I found the buggers hidden in a sub section of the menu. They were on and had never warned me about a height/ weight/ width restriction or dead end.

I told them.

And so it went.

I was looking up different devices in the lag between emails. I came across one called a Snooper. It actually does all the things the TomTom had claimed to. Guide you on suitable roads, avoid restrictions, warn of speed cameras, etc. They had links to several articles where they’d won the best trucknav category from Truckers World (or whatever) for the last three years running. There were three different publications and they’d all said the Snooper was hands down the best kit.

After I’d sent my last email and heard nothing for several hours I thought they’d given up on me. Their whole attitude was that I was doing it wrong and their kit was bob on. I thought “Screw it!” I went and bought a Snooper. £400! I need it if I’m doing store deliveries all over the place. My job depends on it.

later that evening TomTom emailed me saying they were going to put an upgrade on my account. I plugged in and it automatically downloaded and upgraded me to all of Europe maps, car or Truck mode.

No such option prior. I clicked truck mode, suddenly it was saying “confirm settings; 40 ton, 53’3” long, 13 ton axle weight, starsign Gemini, favourite colour blue, etc”  I tried the test route; perfect. Obviously.


Now I have two perfectly splendid satnavs. One for a snip at £355 the other a bargain at £399.

Still, I need one for the job.

Then they said I’d got my old run back at Ceva.

Trunking from Irlam to Aspatria to Crewe and back to Irlam. Which I can do blindfolded.

Ho ho ho ho. *beats self senseless with irony stick*


So that was hilarious.

I immediately decided I wanted another job. I can’t be arsed with being Ceva’s agency bitch. Iceland take on from the agency and it’s good money I happen to know. I’ve been with Ceva for 14 months and they are laying staff off not taking them on.

Because it’s that sort of week, I can’t apply for other jobs.

I had to have the (five yearly) HGV medical. £88 for the doctor to tick a bunch of boxes on a form the DVLA send you. #kerching!

I was about to send it back when I noticed a checklist on the envelope; have you included: Fees, form, licenses… What?

I had to send the originals of my paper and plastic license back to be renewed. The renewal date is five days before my points come off. Of course. Which means I’ll have to send it back again, and pay a fee, to have them taken off.

Anyway, this means I can’t apply for a driving job anywhere as they first thing they want to see is your license. Mine’s in Swansea. Ace.


Seeing as I was back at Ceva I took to riding in to work this week. 21½ miles round trip. It blew a gale and pissed down on me. It really has been one of those weeks.

The extra exertion is good for training purposes. And it helped kick off my diet.

I am back on that Harcombe diet. I was doing it from memory. I thought it was 2 meat meals (say chicken and salad or bacon and eggs) and 1 meal of 50g of porridge. It made the ride home a hellish feat of endurance. Today was only my fourth day and I was forcing the food down it was so repulsive.

I was weak and ill. My body runs on instant energy foods. This stuff is slow release, if at all.

You’d be amazed how quickly bacon and egg can become disgusting  if you don’t have it with beans and toast and all the lovely carby treats.

Today I’ve been so weak I’ve not trained. I did some more gardening and felt sorry for myself. In desperation I broke the man code and read the manual. I was doing it totally wrong. I can eat two meals of vileness but then I can have a curry! 50g of brown rice, a shit load of chicken and stir fried vegetables in tons of spices.

Guess what I had for tea?

I think I can honestly say, in all modesty, it was the pinnacle of human culinary achievement.

I have been grumpy and snapping at Wendy today (luckily for her, on this shift I don’t see her all week) until I had that curry. Now I am a happy bunny. Life is good. Meat and veg and carby rice. Sweet.

A proper meal. Suddenly the diet seems sustainable. If I was to split that in two, one for dinner one for tea, I could just have one gopping meal a day. And enough energy to ride home!  Cool.


To summarise my week, then: ‘bad’.


Enough of my whining; to the Twittersphere!


DMreporter had:

BUSINESS: George Osborne offers tax breaks to any Wars willing to move to the UK including Star, Syrian, US Drugs or ‘On Christmas’.


Politics/ Tory scum:

Our research indicates that jobseekers threatened with capital punishment are more likely to find work than those being sanctioned

16 railway franchises in the UK. 1 is state owned. It produces the most profit and has highest satisfaction rates. It’s being re-privatised.

All in it together:

#QueensSpeech an elderly pensioner doing PR for a failing Tory party that refuses to suspend a rape suspect

(UKIPtips) Prevent EU plague-bearing rats from entering the UK by cleansing cross channel ferries with fire and enhancing the pet passport scheme.



General observations:

Smallest man in the world:

When I was growing up I wanted to be a Dalek or a Cyberman Can’t believe I failed to be honest. Life’s cruel


Still loving the dog who looks like Bungle off Rainbow:


Oh you lost your phone and it’s on silent? Too bad, if you liked it you shoulda put a ring on it.

Avoid awkward silences in interviews by weeping uncontrollably and begging for the job.

Crimer Show had us on tenterhooks:

PEPL: Ahhg ! OFU is gona gete us!Aleins comeing!Helpe ! Whye is thise hapens ! CHILTRENS: Thise am cooliest Thinges Im am seee sinse I borne

Not surprisingly, it wasn’t long before this brand new charity shop in Bury town centre revised their shop sign:

Sorry, I’ve been working or sleeping or cycling all bastard week, I’ve not had much time to collect everyone’s wit on Twitter.

Must. Try. Harder.