Archive for September, 2013


That bloody treadmill. It was way down South, cost me £85 just in diesel. All day driving there and back (well, from 0900 to 1730). I specifically ordered a low, short wheel base transit as that was all I would need given the dimensions of the treadmill and the load dimensions of the van. Would it fit in in it’s operating position (ie at it most stable and less likely to break)? Would it buggery! The van was an inch to small. So I had to improvise, adapt and overcome. This meant I had to lay it down, leaving the handles on the floor. So then I had to fashion a strap to hold the handles off the floor so they wouldn’t snap off.

Then I got it home and had to try and manhandle 100kg of unwieldy treadmill off the van on my own. Wendy was trying to help but she is a total feeb.

I’d got it half manoeuvred through the front door when I realised I would tear up the floor before I could get it past the second door. Plan B, partially strip it, whilst wedged in the front door. Eventually we got it into the kitchen and I set about re-assembling it. All in all it must have took an hour and half just to get it into the house.

There is no way it is going to pop in the understairs cupboard. It is ginormous.

Seriously huge.

In it’s discreet, folded up, small mode it looks like the urban pacification robots off Robocop. And it won’t go upstairs so I’ve had to leave it in the kitchen.

Wendy is so less than pleased.

I can’t blame her. It’s just monstrous. Completely incongruous.

I took some snaps, look;



That’s how big it is, head height, wider than I am, and as deep.

Oh dear oh dear. What a farce. A folly.


But it does the full 20kph  (4 minute 50 second /mile) the incline works and what the hell, it’s here now. Also it’s quite noisy when you are charging away at it.

I gave it a few minutes at 6 minute/ mile pace just to try it (and me) out. I was doing alright, I could have done a mile at that pace.  I’ll have to leave it this week as I have the Chester marathon on Sunday, but after that I am going to set a baseline at 6m/m then work up from there. Hopefully but up to marathon distance within 6 months, then, if I’ve not died, start throwing in the 5 m/m’s.

Already got the conversion chart (from it’s measured speed in Kph)



While I was transferring the pictures from my ‘phone I came across these I took on that 50 miler; apparently they flooded a village to make the reservoir we were running around. Due to the low water level you could see bits of remains.


(And it was just plain picturesque. Here’s the hills reflected in the reservoir)


They decided to add a touch of style to the dam walls



Right, off to bed. Had enough of today.

Start my artisty career tomorrow.



Change of plan.

First off, better update you on the Wendy front. She went back to the hospital on Thursday as an outpatient, the whisked her straight in and scanned the crap out of her. They couldn’t find it at first but kept looking until they confirmed it was a shitload of tiny gall stones, about 1mm each. Apparently this is the dangerous time, when they are still small enough to move and crash vital organs. If they are large they can’t go anywhere. If they are large they must have started small? Whatever. The doctor said they were dangerous now, which is what the pain was; small stones moving and blocking the bile ducts. Whatever they are, or do. The point being, they have to remove the gall bladder.

Wendy hates hospitals, but she is really relieved it is something as straight forward and relatively minor as this. Not that the pain is to be dismissed. Believe it or not Wendy is quite a tough little cookie when it comes down to it. I’ve seen her with a broken arm, with metal rods drilled through her bones, dropped on her head, all sorts of really bad, painful things and she’s never made too much of a fuss. She had an attack on holiday and she was actually crying with the pain. That’s pretty damn bad.

By a strange coincidence, our next-door-but-one neighbour had her gall bladder out last week. It’s obviously catching. She reckons they can do keyhole surgery and have you out a few hours later.

Got to say it has been pretty damn impressive from the NHS so far. That 111 line gave good advice and called an ambulance. The paramedics did loads of tests and reassured us it wasn’t a heart attack. The A&E did a battery of tests and ruled out all the fatal stuff then sent an appointment for a scan. The scan doctor found the tiny gall stones and told her there and then, now we are just waiting for the operation.

Probably the finest thing we have to be proud of, our NHS. Damn Cameron for selling it to his rich mates.


I did that 50 mile ‘run’ last week. Oh dear, oh dear. That was all wrong. What I’d read on the internet about Ultra running (any distance over marathon) was that you ran 20 walked 5 minutes. I was doing it run 25 walk 5. No-one in the race was stopping! Also to walk all hills, first lap no-one did that. So my training was to cock. And it said it was a flat race so I did my training (two runs) down by the canal, perfectly flat. It was up and down hills! I did 35 miles in 6.30, had a 15 minute pit stop to eat and drink before the final lap (I saw someone else quitting while I was there) then set off again. It took me 3.20 to do the last 15 miles! 10 hours 6 minutes in total.

I could have walked it faster. I did my knee on a run the week week before in Dartmoor, that was hurting again within 5 miles. By 24 miles I was in such a state I was thinking of walking back to the start line and quitting. It was an achievement to force myself past the start/ finish tent for the last lap. At about 30 miles I got some really painful blisters that were forcing me to limp a bit. I had to try and grit my teeth until they popped. That last lap though… I thought it was never going to end.

That was probably the worst, most painful, event I’ve ever done. I hated it and thought that was it, I could cross ‘Ultra’ off my to-do list and never think of it again.

The next day I could  barely walk.

The day after that I was thinking I could do it in 8½ hours next year.


I had lots of vague plans for next year, the Lands End to John O’Groats ride, possibly the Ladybower 50 miler again, I’m already in the Outlaw again so I was planning on swimming lessons to try and batter it, maybe the Fred Whitton (that epic 112 mile bike ride around the toughest hills/ mountains in the Lake District) and get a fast marathon.

I was talking to my Swedish chum on Twitter (after I’d posted saying I’ve got another race in a fortnight, but luckily it’s only a marathon) she said “You should finish in the top 10 then.”

That thought rattled around my brain for a few days and finally emerged as my new plan; I’m going to win next year’s Chester marathon. 





You heard me.


Win it!


OK, realistically it’s a bit of a tall order. I was down to 7 m/m for 10 miles (if I could keep it up that’s a 4.02 marathon), then my training plan said I had to do 6 m/m and it nearly killed me. I hadn’t quite got to doing 2 whole miles at that pace. If I want to win I’ll have to get down to 5.15 m/m (2.17 marathon)  for the full 26.2 miles.

It’s not going to be easy.

I have a year.

To achieve this (probably impossible) task I decided I needed a treadmill/ running machine. I spent days scouring the internet, reading reviews, comparing prices, warranties, the pros and cons of new versus second hand, then in a moment of blinding stupidity, bid on impulse on one on ebay. I thought it was a high end second hand one, after I’d bid I looked it up and it wasn’t that model, it was the basic mid-range one.


So I’m now the proud owner of a running machine. That will mock me daily about it’s noisy belt and not top-of-the-range motor. And it’s in darkest Darn Sarf, so I’ve had to rent a van to go and pick it up.

Yay! Just got a reply, I’m on for picking it up tomorrow. I’d already paid for the van so I was getting nervous.

Then the real fun begins.

5 m/m. Dear god that’s an ask.

The winning time last year was 2.28, the World Record is 2.03, I’m going to be going for a 2.20 so it not like I’m trying to be the best in the World, top 1 or 2 % max.

This is hilarious. Or it would be if I wasn’t serious about trying, that makes it merely deluded and a bit sad. I may actually die trying. I’m going to start off with a mile or so at 6m/m to see where I’m starting from, then build it up to full distance over 4 or 5 months. Then start putting 5m/m’s in.

Oh lordy. Even on paper that looks bad.

Still, at least I now have something to get my teeth into. Any fool can go long, only a few can go fast. Let’s see what I’m made of.

If I only get best in age group next year I can work harder for the year after. Assuming I don’t keel over and die trying.


Anyway, enough of me cashing in on possible future glory. For now it’s just hassle, then sweat and pain.

Which neatly takes me onto my final thing; I have decided on my new career path: tattoo artist!

Yes, I know I can’t currently draw a bath and yes, I did speculate on this career before, but that was for Wendy, the artist. I’m thinking 2 or 3 years of constant practise and I might be OK. If not, keep practising. I’ve bought a set of tattoo guns off ebay and a bunch of ‘learn yourself to draw for eejits’ books.


That’s enough waffle, it’s Twitter time!


The DMreporter kept us abreast;

SPORT: Sunderland FC sack Paolo Di Canio and thank him for making the training run on time.



While in Politics/ Tory scum we had;

Sometimes think the USSR could have carried on if they’d split into 2 almost identical parties and held elections

Ken Livingstone defines ‘trickle down economics’ as ‘the Tories peeing down on the rest of us

Ed Miliband is definitely doing something right: the Mail is furious.

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Observing how Tory and LibDem MPs, Andrew Neil, the Daily Mail etc went to "hysteria battle stations", I’d say EdM just became a contender.

Predictable sabre-rattling from the energy companies. Who would people rather ran the country ? Elected representatives or energy giants ?

Energy companies who don’t think a price cap (at the expense of dividends) is fair or acceptable can always volunteer for nationalisation.

If unions threatened to push UK into darkness over demands not being met, newspapers would scream ‘ransom’. But fine when energy companies?

Unions mustn’t hold this country to ransom with threats of strikes. They should do it by threatening to leave, like the banks.

Cost of HS2 rail link: £50b. Cost of renationalizing rail network (by not renewing franchises once they expire): £0

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Predicted government savings from bedroom tax: £545 million. Cost of giving out married tax allowance: £800 million.

wonder how many married couples are going to thank Cameron, knowing for each of their tiny bungs, some disabled had to move homes?


And favest of all, general;

BOOK FACT: Cheetahs can type faster than any other land animal but, sadly, their works are often poorly plotted and/or emotionally naive.

I tweeted “Apropos to nothing, if you fold the corners of pages over in books or leave them open face down, there is a special place in hell for you.”

Then got trolled by book vandals;

I also write on my books – underlining, notes in margins etc. – for both fiction and non-fiction. Sorry, Everyone.

Still, not as bad as the person I know of who *tears pages out of books* after they finish each page. True story.

Detach and fold a book’s endpapers and you have a convenient bookmark.

simply tear out and burn all the preceding pages you have read

I suppose that saves taking them back to the library


Then I got this:

my dad once caught me bending a book back on its spine. He glared at me and said "I like books more than I like little boys"

never mistreated a book since


(iphone launched with fingerprint unlocking, prompting fears that it would be a database for the NSA. Then some hackers immediately cracked it)

If you have enemies determined enough to make hi-res cast of your fingerprint, you may have bigger problems than phone getting stolen.

I suggested scrotum recognition software. Let them get their hands on that. And it tests the NSA’s commitment.

I’ll bet Satan lists "expert in PowerPoint" on his resume too.

An award winning middle school science project showed, on average 70% of the time ice from fast food restraunts is dirtier than toilet water

I heard the wolf’s at the door, but never the cat.

Video: Hilarious viral voicemail of man who witnesses a driver getting ‘rough justice’ from some old ladies


(You have got to listen to that. It’s the best thing on the internet this week.)

Grateful for many nice reviews of my autobiography. Amused that a few complain it’s all about me. Not sure how I could have avoided that.

1. Go to the vets 2. Tell them your fish is poorly 3. Put a fish finger on the examining table 4. Do a sad face

Relax white people, black people have the "N" word. But we still have words like "Yacht", and sayings like "thanks for the warning officer".

I’m gonna go out on a limb and declare "Drugs" the winner of the war on drugs.

5 people followed me because of over enthusiasm, 9 unfollowed because when measured against the scale of eternity all action is vain.


As you can see, I’ve not been on Twitter much this week.

Right, off I trot. Lots of driving tomorrow. For a change.


Rum do-s.

We’ve had quite the eventful couple of weeks.

Before I start let me say Wendy is OK.

We didn’t know that at the time, though. It must have been Sunday night, I was playing on the internet, Wendy was watching crap on the telly, when she called me. She was suddenly in a world of pain, right in the centre of her chest around the solar plexus (the bit where your ribs meet at the bottom) . She was doubled up with it. She said she couldn’t breathe and if felt like she had a crushing weight on her chest. I thought it was a heart attack. I shit. I gave her some aspirin and looked up the new NHS advice number, then rang that 111 thing. They got talking to her and immediately sent out an ambulance.

The ambulance people said it wasn’t her heart (phew!) but had to take her in anyway. I followed in the car.

They gave her some serious kick-arse pain killers which settled her after a while. Then the doctor came in and prodded her. She was still very tender around the solar plexus. Apparently this is also the site of the the pancreas. Gail, Wendy’s top-nurse sister,  had warned her of that when we were drinking; that pancreatitis –damage from drinking-  was fatal. If you’ve got it you’re a gonner. So we have been lead to believe, might not be true. Anyway, we were again thinking she was on her way out.

They ran a battery of blood tests and it wasn’t her pancreas.

We were quite giddy then. We’d both thought she was going to die.

Gawd bless the NHS! They sent her away but said she’d have to come back as an outpatient for an endoscopy and scan. By coincidence our nextdoor-but-one neighbour asked Wendy what the ambulance was for, and she has been having the same. Agonizing pain starting in the centre of the chest, in the area of the pancreas as we now think of it, then spreading right around to her back. It’s her gall bladder. She was just about to have it removed.

Wendy had another attack four days later, then an even worse one while we were on holiday last week. We rang the doctors the next day to see if they’d got the notification from the hospital and booked and appointment, they said it was unclear who was supposed to be booking the outpatient visits.

We were a bit miffed, but what are you going to do? Wendy was going to go to the doctors on Monday and try to get them to sort out an appointment. We were thinking it was going to be weeks of ballache.

We got back off holiday today and the hospital have sent her an appointment for a scan for next Thursday!

Gawd bless the NHS and all who sail on her!

If it it gall stones, which apparently block bile ducts or some other voodoo, they will show up on the scan. It could be as simple as that. Gall stones, chop out gall bladder, bish bash bosh! (I am not a qualified surgeon/ doctor.)

So that was dramatic but in no way fun.


Also we’ve had the aforementioned holiday. Oh dear, oh dear.

It was a lovely, log burning fire, cottage. In the Dartmoor National Park. Dating back to the 15th Century. Alas their internet coverage was from same era. Bugger all. Not even a ‘phone signal. My smartphone was a dumb brick. And the telly coverage broke up on most channels.  And, due to some idiocy on my part, we booked it on a week when I couldn’t even make the most of the hills by training. I did one 2½ hour run and hurt my knee. I didn’t dare go out again as I have that 50 mile run tomorrow.  Boring week in other words.

It was a lovely place, but all wrong. Ho hum, live and learn. How I could have been quite that stupid in the first place is a mystery, mind.


Look at that slab of rock over the fireplace!  Marble stairs, 18” thick walls, I’ve got quite a few pictures of it all but I’ll not bore you with them. Instead I’ll bore you with these:

Varied wildlife;




I did my horse-whisperer thing and had one of the wild ponies/ horses lick my hand. Wendy thought it was going to attack us. She is the horsey person, having taken riding lessons and everything. I just overpowered it with my Jedi mind tricks.

The bloody things were all over the place though. The cows were just stood in the road. I had to weave in between the big ignorant bastards. Those furry cows with the horns could do some serious damage to my poor little Polo.


Look at it;


A desolate hell bereft of even the simplest internet connection. Not a solitary ‘phone mast as far as the eye can see.

And windy!


Hehe. I’ll post that quick before Wendy makes me delete it.

I did a windblown selfie;



Still no ‘phone masts.

Hell. On. Earth.

Btw, the pictures aren’t that great because I forgot my camera, had to take them on my ‘phone.


It shouldn’t really make that much of a difference, but I am so happy to be back in civilisation. Internet, I love you!



It’s hardly worth calling it a roundup of Twitter, what with all my enforced downtime, first with Wendy in A&E, (grrr) then the bloody holiday, but here’s a few bits;


SYRIA: Assad demands proof he was behind chemical attack; USA sends 3 photos from Iraq, 1 photo from Vietnam and Pearl Harbour on DVD.

REVEALED: Parasitic benefit scroungers hold regular ‘laugh at the taxpayer parties’ where they quaff champagne and call YOU a sucker.

POLL: Which celebrity would you bring back from the dead? A) Princess Diana B) Steve Jobs C) Michael Jackson D) Enoch Powell E) Hitler

PHWOAR: Murdered Russian model whose body was found naked in woods had great tits when she was alive (pictures).

FRAUD: Worlds oldest man found living in Ethiopia, raising concerns that UK taxpayers were conned out of charity donations to Live Aid.

BREAKING: Only 94 shopping days until the war on Christmas.



Politics/ tory scum;

#Russia says detects two missile launches in Mediterranean – The Economic Times #Syria

(To which I added:) If this shit ends in WWIII and extinction of Human life on the planet I, for one, will question whether Obama’s peace prize was premature.

Hague: "We won’t talk to Iran because their president is elected. We will only talk to the despotic Gulf monarchies who we sell arms to"

Just a little teensy mini-war, we swear." << Just one more, wafer thin, war sir? Go on sir."

You guys, if only Miliband had stopped Cameron rushing into Syria w/o making PM look foolish, Miliband would be a STRONG leader  (I replied: Really Sunny? It’s the oppositions job to make the PM look less of a twat? Good luck with that.)

If you intend to vote #LibDem again you deserve to lose your job and home, to live in a B&B and depend on foobanks while doing Workfare.

Gove or IDS – which one would you push off a cliff first? Decisions, decisions, eh?

Anti-fascist legend 98-year old Max Levitas out leafleting to stop the EDL marching in Tower Hamlets

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I imagine Tony Blair in his back garden, plaintively making the case to Cherie for intervening in their neighhbours’ leylandii dispute.

"What do you want for breakfast Tony?" "Military intervention." "That’s your answer to EVERYTHING."

.@tonyblairoffice Nobody gives a tuppenny fuck what you think about anything these days, you murderous has-been shitheel. Shut your piehole.

Cameron. Next time Putin talks about small islands not making a difference in the world, just say this: "Tracy Island". That’ll shut him up.

Bob Crow: Energy prices have gone up by over 20% but if we ask for wages increase by the same amount, unions called greedy #TUC13

I knew a girl called Zeinab whose leg was blown off by one of Blair’s bombs, but it wasn’t a chemical weapon so that’s nice.

‘Intervention’ is when an addict is confronted by friends and family and hustled into rehab. The word you’re groping for is ‘War’.

Jobseekers Could Lose Benefits for Refusal to Take Part in Clinical Trials

Fuck sake! Tory Britain. "You there, Johnny foodbank, either let our rich chums experiment on you or die. No pressure "

Justine Greening thinks privatisation means "we can all own" #RoyalMail. a) We already do; b) We don’t "all" have £750 to buy in.

So the Government has nationalised Royal Mail’s debt and are now privatising the profit. It makes no sense.

Gove has gone too far this time. Too far.

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And lovely, lovely general;

Email of the day: "Hey, my wife downloaded your book from [piracy site] and the file was p%rn instead! Can you fix that?"

A new (to me) account showing great ads had these:

Creative Game of Thrones ad in the New York Times

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BMW : A Mercedes Can Also Bring Driving Pleasure

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This is why we need feminism;

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Woman swims 110 miles from Cuba to America without shark cage. Some people slag her off because she had shark spotters with her, prompting this rather nice observation;

"Oh, she had people making sure she didn’t die when she swam from Cuba to America? Pfft. I could totally do that."

HMRC will never send you a tax bill by email, especially if you are Vodafone.

Just got asked for a donation by the Greens, but I’m a bit short after paying to have some of the trees blocking my harbour view poisoned.

"Papa, who is Richard Dawkins?" Ryan asks me. "He’s an actor and celebrity fisherman," I say, accidentally confusing him with Robson Green.

Thinking of taking legal action against Red Bull. It promised to give me wings but all it’s done so far is give me tachycardia

I announced:

Ordering Andrew Marr’s seminal work "Learn yourself yoof talk, innit." (Oxford University Press.) *So* going to be hip to the groove.

My chum replied:


(Which I thought was hilarious.)

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

Quietly pleased that I managed to find ‘Michael MacIntyre’ by googling "floppy haired middle class comedian’. Questionable use of ‘comedian’

@Queen_UK had: Someone get one a gin and tonic with ice and lime. With no tonic. Or ice. Or lime. #onitlikeabonnet

If I ever open a restaurant, I’m thinking of using fresh, high-quality, locally-sourced ingredients.

DC forbids Batwoman’s gay marriage, creative team leaves [Updated!] …

Canadian church pro gay message. Go the Canadians!


A picture of a sign outside St. John's Anglican Church in Niagara Falls that promotes inclusivity of homosexuals was posted on the social-media website Reddit and went viral online, garnering international public attention.
(RAY SPITERI Niagara Falls Review)

Just back from Antiques Roadshow. It was fantastic. I’ve seen so many people’s hopes & dreams crushed.

It pleases me the Mazda Bongo (campervan) without the pop-up roof is known to fans as a ‘Bongolow’.

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(OK, it’s computer wizardry, but I think that works really well.)

The people who come up with advertising slogans just aren’t trying any more

The people who come up with advertising slogans just aren&#039;t trying any more.

The iPhone 5S has a fingerprint sensor. Remember that if the NSA demands it, Apple will turn over your fingerprint

I suggested:

Scrotum recognition software. Let’s test the NSA’s commitment.

"@ExtraFT: I’m pro-choice because it’s my womb, my body and my life. @Abortion_Rights" << I’m pro ‘cos it’s her womb, her body and her life.

NURSERY school teachers. Get rid of any unpopular male employees by simply crumbling Viagra into their morning cup of tea.

I noted:

No sign of Mrs dying. BTW, anyone know the returns policy on Thai brides. Asking for a friend.


First decree as World Emperor: any car driver on Mway doing less than 60 to be humanely beaten to death with rolled up copy of highway code.

Second World Emperor decree: any rock singer not from US who sings in an American accent to be beaten to death with House boxset.


Just seen a badger lolloping across the road. Ha! You missed one, Cameron, you twat.


Rain, heather, cows, rocks, horses, sheep and rain. Should’ve stayed home, showered and got a Polish mixed grill. With a side order of rocks


Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day, give a man a lightsaber, people will fish for him.

I think I may have also located the best reversible hoodie ever.

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Chewbacca hoodie! How awesome is that?

And on that note,



PS, I notice Luke has updated my blog site so now you can subscribe and get an email whenever I post some ranty old bollocks. And you can follow me on Twitter.


Oh. Fair comment.

Nice updates though, Luke. Cheers.

Lakeland fun and frolics.

I’ve had a bit of fun in the Lakes the last two weeks. Friday last week, when I was looking forward to an early dart so I could do some hard training on Saturday, I got to my furthest point from base and broke down.

I’d gone under the trailer I was to take and started the ‘tug test’ (where you try to drive forward, twice, to make sure you are properly connected.) There was an electrical type smell and a red light flashed up on the dash saying the clutch was knackered.


I rang work and they got a local mechanic out. He tried to reboot the clutch but it wasn’t having it.He wanted to call out a tow truck to recover the truck and trailer but I told him the route I have to take you physically can’t fit a truck, trailer and tow truck. He left. I rang work again. They said they’d send a driver up in another unit (truck). 3 hours drive. He didn’t have satnav and didn’t know the run.

Can you see how my day was going?

I told him that he was going to have to take the bloody scary route I have to use as the main road is still closed to lorries. To be sure of my instructions I asked a local driver.

I told him I take the A591, as per the traffic office’s directions. “All our drivers go that way.”

The driver strongly disagreed. There is a simple route of main roads and dual carriageways that only puts about 10 minutes on the journey. The 591?  “No driver would ever go that way!”

Better and better.

The thing is though, after crapping myself for the first week, I quite like that route now. It’s demanding but so focusing.

This meant I had to talk the rescue driver through a route I’d never travelled. The blind leading the blind.

He got there in the end and I drove the unit and my trailer back to Irlam, there to drop him off and carry on to Crewe, then back to Irlam.

The one good thing of the shift was one of the Crewe drivers had come into Irlam and they talked him into hanging around. He took my trailer off me. So it was only a 13 hour shift. *muted yay*

I went up again yesterday. You’d be amazed at the amount of people on a Bank Holiday who don’t expect an artic and 42’ trailer to be barrelling around the corner on a tiny road. At least I now know what a car and caravan sound like when they are sliding to a stop. There must have been nearly an inch between us on that bend. Big girl’s blouse. It’s amazing how soon you adjust to the tolerances. There is a bit on the A57 (Manchester Road) going to Irlam. Just one corner, that I always hated passing lorries. Now I don’t even think about it.

It’s been a week since that driver told me of the other route, I’ve still not used it. Ho hum.

It is kind of tricky though, there’s the A591, then an unavoidable 4 mile stretch down a windy B road. Here is where one of the drivers took a creative short cut:


Of course, for more common fails you have to look to car drivers:


1 out of 10 for parking, 6/10 for effort.

Saying that, I was about 2 miles from my last drop the other night and some arse had managed to roll an artic on the roundabout. They shut the road so I had to go back to the motorway and come off at the next junction. Lorry drivers! Bastards!


Work had me in on Bank Holiday Monday, but no work on Tuesday. Couldn’t have done it the other way around so I could have a long weekend. Grrrr.

Anyway, I thought I’d make the most of it and treat myself to a long run in the Lake District. I drive through there every day and yearn to be out running over the hills.

I drove up there after researching a trail run on a large scale map I bought. The online maps recognized a place right next to where I wanted to park. I didn’t take my fancy pants trucknav as I’d be away running for hours and I was scared it would get nicked. I pulled off the motorway at junction 39, pulled over and input the name on my ‘phone’s maps (google, same bloody maps) and it didn’t recognize it. Obviously. I tried to get there from memory. That was never going to work.

I ended up at a parking spot by a reservoir. I looked it up and it didn’t seem that far from where I had intended to park, so I thought I’d run across country and then start.

Oh dear, oh dear.

I kept on running along a path only to have it hit a fence, or private property or just stop. I finally found a track that seemed to be going in the right direction and after several misadventures got to here:


It took me 2½ hours running and staggering to get there. The place I should have parked was down at the bottom by the lake, so I ran down. It doesn’t look that far on the snap above, but it was nearly bleeding vertical. It took me 40 minutes to climb back out again. When I got to the bottom there were lots of people there. One middle aged woman must have said “you should be running it” to her husband as I heard him saying, “Maybe 40 years ago” as I passed. How old are you, mate? I’m nearly 50!

On the way back I braved a field that had suddenly gained a shitload of cows. They were particularly vicious looking cows so kudos to me. Apparently they sent word by the bovine grapevine though, because as I tried to drive home their kin bullied me:


Look at the belligerence. They were just waiting for me to get out of the car to eat me. Would they bugger move! I ended up driving off the road on the grass to get past them. Bovine bully-boy bastards.

It is now Sunday and my legs are still stiff. Hell of a run.

Btw, I didn’t wear my headphones for the Lakes run, thought I’d be at one with my environment and listen to nature. Nature sounds like a fat old duffer wheezing his lungs up. Who knew?

I had this vision, driving through the Lakes, of a smooth cinder path, steep up to the top of the hill then running in a gently undulating path along the spine of the hills. HA! When I found a path it was marsh, rock or vanished into grass. And straight up or straight down.

Well, it’s got it out of my system.

Talking of off road running though, I bought two new pairs of trainers. One for gym (speed work on the treadmills) and a pair for trail running (for the 50 miler in a few weeks). The latter pair were gore-tex topped and supposedly waterproof. Big-arse tread to give grip.

I ordered both pairs from the same manufacturer (ASICS- which incidentally is actually an acronym from the Latin for ‘healthy mind in a healthy body’.*tumbleweed*  Sorry, I thought that was interesting.) Both the same size, US 7.5, which I read off my current pair of ASICS. The trails ones were snug though. I mean tight. As they were, as I say, the same size from the same brand, I assumed it must be a design thing; that trails ones are meant to hold you more firmly.

I went for a run. It was going to be a 50 miler. By 7 miles into the first 14 mile lap I was in misery. I shuffled back in a right state. Way too small. 9 of my toenails have turned black, one leaking fluid when I trimmed them. That was after 14 miles.

Go, as the Yanks would have it, figure.

I’m going to have to put them on ebay as I’ve worn them. Arses!


Surprisingly, after my bump, Iceland wanted me back yesterday. As I’d only done a 4 day week I agreed. We needed the money as, I have just remembered, I entered next year’s Outlaw triathlon this week! I hadn’t really thought about it. I was considering the brand name Ironman or the Outlaw. Quite by chance I saw a tweet from the Outlaw account saying there were only 540 (or something) places left. I went on to their website and they wouldn’t let me enter. Apparently they’d operated a pre-registration scheme that you had to sign up for weeks ago. The only way you got to know of that was from the website, they didn’t send me an email. (I ran an £18 marathon earlier this year, *they* managed to send me an email!) This gave the pre-registered ones a 24 hours window to book before it was open to everyone. Anyway, this panicked me into booking as soon as it opened. The half distance sold out within 24 hours.

I’m in!

Oh dear god, what have I done?

There are still a few places left if anyone wants to join me?

*tumbleweed tsunami*

We are going on holiday to Devon for week in a fortnight, after that I am going to go to the Warrington Tri club swim lessons. I know I’ve been saying it for years and never gone, but I’m going to have to force myself. If I can get a good swim time, ride regularly to work and keep up the running I could really make a go of it next year. Swim is the thing though. Crack that and I will be a contender. I’ve got the grit for the rest.

Also, after the holiday I’m changing job. I’ve had enough of being ‘self-employed’ agency.

Which brings me back to my opening point as I so won’t be working for Iceland. That run yesterday…

My trucknav charger broke. £400 of kit let down by a £22 charger. And that’s only because it’s their brand name. It’s less than a tenner for a crap cigarette lighter charger and lead. The only charger that lasts the distance in a truck is the Jabrawave one. I’ve had loads of £3 ones that melt in a day, the Jabra one is £8 but just lasts and last. I’ve ordered a USB to 3.5mm female jack lead. If that works I’m sorted. I may order another Jabra just to be on the safe side. The long and short of that being I was left using my ‘phone satnav. For a car.

OK, that’s not Iceland’s fault, but it immediately made my life a lot worse. Then when I’d got to the first store, and had to screw it round at full lock (where your cab is at right angles to the trailer and you push it round)  I found I had to unload the pallets on an incline with a a hand pump truck. Then I had to move all the deliveries for the next two stores out of the way to get at the frozen pallets, behind a padded, moveable, division wall. I got off their two pallets, moved the wall back, barred it off, pushed all the remaining, overloaded pallets uphill against the wall and barred them off. Then the guy said, “Errrr, aren’t we supposed to have four pallets of frozen?”


Start again.

It was such hard work, against the incline, on floor that was frozen, then melting. I lost my rag and punched a few things a couple of times.

Screw that! I’m going to Hermes. Trunking. Never open a trailer, never mind do all that dicking about. Supposed to be easy drops to big yards. It’s more money, even with the umbrella scheme that takes out your NI and tax and you get holiday pay. It’s taken me a long while to realize that. When you consider 4 weeks a year unpaid (if I was to take them, which I don’t as I can’t afford it) my wages are crap. I was only doing it initially because it was all I could get, then because I thought I could get taken on full time so it didn’t matter. Now I see it’s long term, and I have employment options, I’m getting out.

This should give me a bit of a life as well, as you can choose your preferred start time window. As mine will be mornings (say 0400- 0700) that should give me a few hours a night before bed. I’ll get to see Wendy more than a few hours a week and maybe do some club training. Maybe even night school for languages lessons. German for me, French for something to do with Wendy.

Anywho, that’s all if and when.


When are you going to stop waffling and tell us of Twitter? Right, now! Yay!


The DMreporter had:

WEATHER: Leeds Festival hit by torrential rain, teaching revellers an important lesson about the folly of youth and the mediocrity of music.

This week’s Daily Mail Cancer List: Mo) Butterflies Tu) Salad We) Cocaine Th) Hubris Fr) Puppets Sa) Dorset Su) Foreign neighbours

SYRIA: David Cameron to consult Simon Cowell on how best to sell ‘a terrible idea that benefits no-one’ to the public

SYRIA: British government unanimously vote in favour of Syrian airstrikes after USA threatens to revoke Piers Morgan’s Visa.



In politics we had:

"’Young lack the grit to get jobs’, says minister (4th generation MP, son of a cabinet minister, Eton, Oxford, etc) God he’s had it tough!

The £6735 Tory MP Nigel Adams claimed for a spare room for his dependents is equal to over 9yrs of #BedroomTax at £14 per week

The bedroom tax has directly resulted in a £1.5 billion per year annual increase in housing benefit spending. *slow clap*

The Americans are to produce a dossier to justify war. I feel a sense of déjà vu.

The people who say we have no money for hospitals and schools meet on Thursday. To decide how much we spend on bombs… Think on that.

"Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it & eventually they will believe it." (Hitler in 1933; Cameron, Shapps and IDS almost daily)

"Capitalism has defeated communism. It is now well on its way to defeating democracy." (David Korten)

So I don’t suppose the UK or US or French government would care to put the question of air strikes in Syria to a popular vote would they?

Which country in Middle East has illicit caches of nuclear, chemical and biological weapons of mass destruction?

UK Parliament will vote on Thursday on whether to form an alliance with Al-Qaeda. Funny old world. #syria

Of all the urgent & unavoidable crises that have forced us to bomb other countries, this is surely the urgentest, unavoidablest & crisisest

"If all you have is a hammer, every problem becomes a nail"…*Gen. Wesley Clark. #Syria

"We are at war with Eastasia. We’ve always been at war with Eastasia."

#Houla massacre was immediately blamed on Syrian govt which after investigations turned out to be work of the rebels. Just like #CW massacre

Well. The whole #Syria situation was headed for regime change. Who could have predicted it might have been the UK regime…

Ed Miliband is dividing the nation by selfishly representing the views of two-thirds of it. #isthisright

Boris, who backed #racistvan and the targeting of non-white minorities, wants free movement for Australians in the UK

Cameron recalled parliament and ends the day with a defeat and shouts of "resign" ringing in his ears DOH!

Remember when #Israel used white phosphorous on #Gaza? Didn’t merit intervention 4 years ago #Syria #chemicalweapons

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New York Daily News react calmly to Britain’s Syria no-show.

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seems most of the posh people are angry they don’t get to send poor to fight a war for them. #syria

John Kerry says evidence from #Syria about chemical weapon is as "clear as it is compelling". That doesn’t make it either.

Wondering where Kerry’s concern was when the US, West Germany, Switzerland & others assisted in their ally Saddam’s gassing of Iranians.

History will judge us harshly if we don’t engage in a limited tailored bombing campaign not expected to change anything.

Sky lit up just now. Either impressive random fireworks or Assad is trolling Cameron.

#ObamaSyrianMovies The Drone Ranger

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"if minimum wage had increased at same rate as pay of FTSE 100 directors since 1999, it wld now be abt £19 an hour"



General was as lovely as ever:

I don’t know why Hugo Weaving bothers learning the script of a film. When he talks, all you hear is “Mr Anderson”

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

VeryBritishProblems had: Requesting your P45 after discovering someone in the office has used your mug

Just had to carry a doughnut back to my boss without taking a bite.. now I know how Frodo felt.

The Canadian curator account posted this picture:

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I posted a picture of someone’s reg, my Swedish chum @GLarAuna replied:

Help, you’re driving in the wrong lane!!

Me: The rest of the world has got it wrong, we know we’re right.

Her: Hah! It’s so cute, that certainty :p

Me:We started on horseback, so right handed ppl could draw sword and fight ppl coming the other way

Me:nowadays the rest of the world have to shoot oncoming traffic left handed. #losers

Her:Haha! Most ppl are right handed, at least they’ll hold the stearing wheel steadily.

Me:Good point. You don’t want to cause an accident while you are shooting ppl 

(Actually that’s not that entertaining. It was funny at the time.)


I had a rant after someone got all self righteous:

Fur, fur, glorious fur. Going to buy a mink jock strap.

it’s funny how animal activists spray the old ladies in minks not the Hell’s Angels in leathers. #twats

I don’t condone animal cruelty in any way but some of the self righteous hypocritical twats that shout about it make want to punch a kitten

See that kitten? The one with the black eye? That’s your fault.

Disclaimer: no kittens were harmed in the making of that tweet.

Internet joke:

“Ok, we have you with us for 4 nights in room 404.” “I just hope I can find it!” “I’m sorry?” I hate myself sometimes.

One-legged man falsely accused of benefit fiddle after officials examined the wrong leg

I just got back from the friend zone. There was nothing but unattractive people there.


‘My cousin reckons you need 11-12k net a month to live properly in London if you are doing the private school route.’ What is life.

"3k rent/mortgage, 3k pension, 2k bills/food shopping, 3k private schools/childcare, 2k holidays, car, clothes, clubs, socialising"

Christ-on-a-bike.. Is this a spoof site? "Vegetarians are evil" " @LorrieHearts I KNEW IT!

FYI single males, this is currently being given out outside Embankment statement. Meet women "unspoiled by feminism"

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Just watched an ageing hippie get a strop on because someone was on the petrol pump he wanted. Some lentils are in for a hard time tonight

And this is why men have more fun at #weddings

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"Who do you want to play Batman?" I ask the mob. "Someone who has already played him!" one man shouts. "We lack imagination!" another wails.

As a dad, I have to go to all the big superhero movies. Ben Affleck’s casting has actually made me love my children less.

A new (to me) spoof account, NigellaFarage had:

Presentation can say a lot about your personality. For example, when making a fry-up I like to serve the black pudding on a separate plate

Love Indian food? Then why don’t you move there!

Before cooking trout I like to make sure it’s thoroughly Nick Clegged – Gutless and without a backbone

Undecided on how to serve your eggs? How about on David Cameron’s face


Poor old Richard Dawkins was copping for flack. He noted: "It’s a lovely day!" Check you’re privilege. Your a dick. What does "lovely" even MEAN for atheists with no absolute standard of loveliness?

feel sorry for @RichardDawkins sometimes. Poor chap can hardly throw away an orange peel without hitting an idiot.

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Two guys tried to rob a cafe in broad daylight. It didn’t quite go as planned. …

Holy Mother of Everything Russian dashboard cameras …

Got an email that said ‘Want to see Ed Sheeran live?’. At first I thought it was a ransom demand.

Travelling cats and dogs……..

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Colleague: "I used to play in a band." Me: "Covers?" Colleague: "Nah, our own stuff." Me: "What were you called?" Colleague: "Depeche Mode."

REDUCE the risk of people dawdling after paying at the supermarket checkout by leaning forward and gently smelling their hair.

At a cat show. It’s like the Internet, but with odours!

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Hoping this bottle of cheap red plonk will improve with age. I’m giving it about 10 minutes.

The rain. It won’t stop. Like reruns of Big Bang Theory, it will never stop. It will only cause horror.

Church sold orphans, including to paedophile (considered of good character as promised not to use contraception) …

You say tree hugging I say amateur Ent porn.

In the salon of success you get the perm of perseverance. It looks terrible on you but you keep it anyway because it was really expensive.

If twitter had been around when Martin Luther King was alive, he could have told everyone about the dreams he had. Every. Single. Morning.

Any hotline is a suicide hotline if they put you on hold

Guys, I just tried to type Womble & autocorrect made it Wimbledon. I think it’s become…self-aware.

USING the expression "I understand" rather than "I read on Twitter" will convince others you’re a Sky Sports News presenter.

New Jersey denies application for ATHE1ST license plate as "offensive" New Jersey – not Iran

I’d rather watch Chewbacca get a bikini wax than watch Miley Cyrus twerk.

And finally, a baby giraffe:


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