Month: October 2013

Start again.

As ever, interesting times.

A week and a half into Mission Improbable and I’ve had to re-evaluate my strategy. I arbitrarily set the bar at 6 minute/ mile and told my body to get a grip and get on with it. Ten days in and I was still dying at 1½ miles. I just couldn’t keep it going. The heat is incredible and I just can’t seem to breathe enough air in.

I did a quick re-think of my goals. First I have to concentrate on cracking the 3 hour barrier. Then, the next year possibly try to win a marathon. With this in mind I went on to the Runner’s World website and found a sub 3 marathon plan. Week 1, day 3: Run 3 miles at 6m/m.


Second rethink.

Do what I should have done from the offset; find my body’s baseline of fitness and build from there. Today I ran 2 miles at 7 m/m, that was no problem at least. I was worried my fitness in going long had completely gone. Without pausing I cranked it up to 6½ m/m and did a mile and a half.

I’m going to try again tomorrow just at 6½ m/m pace. If three miles is the starting fast distance I need to know what my maximum speed is and build from there. Also today I had a genius thought and went to the charity shop near us that deals in home furnishings and electrical goods and got a fan on a stand. It looks like it could do that “Maxell; break the sound barrier” thing.

Yeah, keeping it real for the yoof of today with my contemporary cultural references.

Anywho, see how I fare tomorrow with coolness.


In other news, I got a text this morning saying to ring work, (the haulage company, not the agency) did so, seems they have too many drivers at Irlam and have no further use for me, but want me to work out of Crewe.

That would be a 70 mile daily commute, and I know they have already told Crewe depot that it is being closed before March next year.


In the grand scheme of things it might be a good thing. I’m not on good money or great shifts and there is no prospect of me being taken on off the agency here, it’s just that I know this job and am very comfortable doing it. I’m scared of trying something new. Now I have no choice. Ho hum.

I’ve applied for one with Walkers Crisps working out of Birchwood and I’ll apply for some more on Monday morning when the agencies are up and running.

Buggery bugger! Not good with being assessed or doing new things. It’s all just driving, I shouldn’t get stressed, but there you go.


Wendy’s having loads of issues with that gall bladder thing. She got a letter last week saying she has and appointment to see the consultant on the 14th of November. She was up from 2200 until 0700 nearly crying with the pain again last night. Wankers.

Screw that, if I get it I’ll whip the bastard out myself. It’s right near the front, how hard can it be?


But what of Twitter? Glad you asked.


The DMreporter had:

JAMES FORSYTH: “Using 15 perfect quotes from conveniently anonymous sources I masterfully dissect Westminster gossip. I am amazing.”

FREE SPEECH: McCann’s taunted by vile internet trolls. Inside – we print them all for your disgust. The comments are unmoderated #wink.

AMANDA PLATELL’S WORDS OF COMFORT: “No wonder Madonna is studying Islam, it will allow her to wear a veil and hide her aged face.”

DISGRACE: BBC defends Alan Yentob’s monstrous £330,000 salary. “It’s shocking greed” said Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre (£1.8m per annum).

COMMERCE: Tesco to open range of Food Bank Express stores in a bid to capture the growing ‘poverty stricken urban dweller’ demographic.

OSBORNE: “Either we give our nuclear energy market over to the Communists or we let the British unions win.”

USA of AMERICA: Congress borrow $236bn on the first day since government shutdown, most of it going towards their British Gas bill.

WORKFARE: Illegal immigrant detainment camps go be be merged with Poundland.

POWER: Church of England calls for energy firms to use their profits to help mankind. “You first” said a British Gas spokesman.

ENERGY: British Gas chairman blames ‘unavoidable’ price rises on ‘wars and the environment and stuff, plus I’d quite like a boat.’

HEATING: People who take off jumpers because they’re too warm may be liable for a wardrobe tax, confirm government.

SCIENCE: Owen Paterson urges UK geneticists to breed badgers with targets on their back.

FEMININISM: Women – know your place

TECHNOLOGY: David Cameron advises all parents worried about children being exposed to violent imagery on Facebook to “put on a jumper.”

PROUD GRANDAD: Prince George’s first words said to be ‘heavily critical of British post-war industrial architecture.’

COST: 1% pay rises, 3% inflation, 10% fuel hike, 11% MP pay rises, 33% undervaluing of Royal Mail. We ask, when will the immigrants go home?



In politics/ tory scum we had:

UKIPtips (subsection) : Disguise racist conversations with fellow Ukippers in public by substituting the word ‘badgers’ for ‘muslims’.

Israel has broke 65 U.N resolutions with no consequences. Iraq broke two and got invaded, bombed and destroyed.”

Like, how did we as a society get to a place where it’s normal to work 40+ hour weeks & still be in poverty, & get MOCKED for it?

If I’m understanding the GOP, as long as Obama keeps giving health care to children born poor, they’ll never be motivated to be born rich.

David Cameron: scourge of benefit tourism. But challenged by the EU to show evidence it’s happening, he’s produce zilch in three years.

Top Q from Graham Jones Lab MP: why is intervening in the market all right in the mortgage market but not the energy market?

I see Asda have a food bank trolley in their store. Of course, they could just pay their workers. #workfare #slavelabour

#Libdem @DavidLaws tells teachers to ‘live in real world’, world where you can fiddle £40,000 of public money +keep your job eh Mr Laws ???

The Danny Alexander Cookbook has just been published. Every recipe starts with "First clear up the mess left by Labour".

"I’d respect Gove’s passion for unqualified teachers more if he agreed to be operated on by an unqualified surgeon."

Tory MP David Davies said that receiving housing benefit was like “knocking on neighbour’s doors asking for money”.

whereas Tory donors dodging billions in tax is like kicking neighbours’ doors in, robbing them and trashing it.

May says the racist van was a "blunt instrument". I didn’t know it was actually supposed to hit immigrants.

In an early contender for Understatement of the 21st Century, Sir John Major believes ‘Iain Duncan Smith’s genius’ is "unproven."



And lovely General was general. And lovely.

(Serious note first. If you’ve not read this I suggest you give it a go. It’s gobsmacking: ) What happened to Madeleine McCann? Read what the Portuguese say. The interim report of Tavares de Almeida #McCann … …

As my chum Tommy just pointed out, only the Mail would draw our attention to the "stare" and the "smirk" of an E-FIT of the McCann suspect.

Let’s not forget the McCanns left twin babies alone as well as Madelaine. Total neglect

Do you have any information about a crime you have kept to yourself for 6 years? If so, the Police would like to hear from you


Just saw a headline of "SLASH BENEFITS FOR EU MIGRANTS". Disappointed to realise Slash isn’t performing a series of benefit concerts.

Celebrating Columbus Day the way our forefathers intended, by walking into other peoples’ homes and announcing that I live there now.

People who seem to think I should be embarrassed by being in favour of benefits; got a big bag of fucks here. I’m afraid you can’t have any

TLFtravelalerts had:

The signals at Bank proclaim ‘The Timetable is dead’. Ditto a coherent sense of objective truth. Nietzschean delays due to perspectivism.

Severe delays on the Metropolitan line due to a track failure at ha ha ha, not really, it’s because of dragons.

Ironically, the Bus King absolutely hates impromptu street music.


Bunch of girls parked in disabled spot, had decency to be embarrassed. To mate "Well you’re a spacker." Keep it classy ladies

VeryBritishProblems had:

The shock of someone telling you how they are after you ask them how they are

Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

Apologising to the person who just shattered your hip with their shopping trolley


“You can safely assume that you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.” A. Lamott.

Here’s something fun to do. sneak out of bed and get your feet muddy then tell your partner next morn you had a dream about killing someone

Sat in Asda’s cafe with a sausage roll, 5yr old son turns to me and says "Oh Mum… this is the life!" Thank God for his low expectations.

Did Prince Charles actually just say ‘your grandchildren and mine’ will struggle in the future!? #IsHeFuckingKiddingMe

The British Gas #AskBG session is going well then.

I remember the last time the tories were in, the ‘joke’ then was "what’s blue and fucks pensioners? Hypothermia." Nothing changes. #bastards

An official from British Gas says that a price rise doesn’t mean energy bills will rise too…unless you use the same amount as you do now.

Since 1990, 1433 people have died in police custody or after police “contact”. Who trusts the police?

60% of public say they trust the police. 60% of white, rich, never-had-anything-to-do-with-the-police people, presumably

Homophobia is a lifestyle choice.

"Crime does not pay!" -Crime intern

Well. Those stiffer sentences will certainly make me re-think slavery as an option.

One of the account directors just bragged that the security on the website we’re building will be "as tough as the Maginot Line".

Probably reasonable to wear an extra jumper for warmth if your house is the size of Norfolk and your boiler was designed to burn millhands.

It’s 00:10. FOR AMERICA: Six Book to Film Adaptations That Make Us Sad Inside – …


Funny how you never see the words "DEEP PENETRATING" on shampoo made for men.

Just done three lines of Demerara sugar. Off my tits.


X Factor. A small, sickly sparrow takes the stage and dies. The judges unanimously declare it an eagle and confirm it is alive and well.

Dear Americans: Canada legalized same-sex marriage in 2005. Since then, it’s been sodomy 24/7. Can’t even finish a tweet without being sodo

(Spoof IDS account wrote) My salary is £65,000 a year. After petrol, food and housing are deducted I’m only left with £65,000 a year. I deserve an 11% pay rise.

Camouflage Dog

"Mommy, are you a doctor?" "Yes, I am a PhD doctor." "Oh, you are a pretend doctor." Wait, what? You’re two. It starts this early?

Powerful Ads Use Real Google Searches to Show the Scope of Sexism Worldwide

You should not fear that you are alone and meaningless in the universe. I mean, you are, but you shouldn’t be afraid of it.

Word. RT @captainjenneger: @sullenhearts I love hedgehogs but I wouldn’t want to squeeze one out of my fanny.

I asked people who had reported harassment or assault to their employer to tell me what happened after. 23 of 25 were fired within 3mos.

So, we’re knitting hats for juice bottles to help old people stay warm this winter. Call me old-fashioned, but I’d prefer a welfare state.

BOOK FACT: If you tear a page out of a book and hold it up to the light, you are a monster. Please stop defacing the books.

A POWERFUL boat with a reinforced hull and specially-shaped bow makes an excellent icebreaker at parties and meetings.

Oh, "shoplifters and proud" that looks like an even, balanced and insightful examination of the issues of the sub class.

There isn’t a single hair left anywhere on Brody. Was he smuggled out of America in a barrel of Veet? #homeland

Weekends. The sprinkle of transient and ephemeral delight on the dog turd of life.

Subway customer advice…


If you cycle home from work you are probably already quite fit. Don’t forget to tell people this all the time.

Npower: no corporation tax in three years and £35million in bonuses for bosses

Things NPower would prefer you not to know: "

Nigella Farage advised: Give Italian food an English twist by replacing all the ingredients with a Ginsters steak slice.

Re energy bills Cameron insists it’s about giving customers more choice. If they’re not happy they can simply switch from heating to eating.

Being human means learning to see the common humanity in us all

Work out your TOWIE name by simply taking your own name and giving it a spray tan and some unnecessary cosmetic surgery.

Preacher tells parents to punch gay children, crack their "limp-wrists":

Well, I’ve just cut a clown in half and I can tell you, there’s no silver lining. What? Cloud? What do you mean ‘cloud’? Oh. Oops.

#Poland Roman #Catholic archbishop says ‘children partly responsible for #sexual abuse!’

I once wrote "Halloween" in school & my teacher said "WRONG! it’s Hallowe’en" so I pretended the apostrophe stood for MrsHughesIsABigBitch.

Still the undisputed Newspaper Correction champion

They talk all about how much George looks like William. If you mention how much Harry looks like James Hewitt, it’s “bad taste”. #SkyPapers

#genius quote from Tom Clancy: " The difference between fiction and reality is fiction has to make sense."

WORK CHEAT: If you press up, down, left, right, A, B, C on your laptop keyboard, you’ll be 20 seconds closer to the end of the day.

Just had an email conversation with CAPTAIN CAPSLOCK. I think I’ve gone deaf in both eyes.

Ealing comedies have prepared me so poorly for life. Just followed two men carrying a pane of glass for six miles. Nothing.

1. growth is picking up, but it’s been held down unnecessarily 2. to whom are the proceeds of that growth going? 3. Cost of living crisis.

There’s nothing luckier than a rabbit’s foot. Until an angry three-legged rabbit arrives at your house with all his pals and a baseball bat.

Recovery? Wages ↑ 0.7% Gas ↑ 45% Stamp ↑ 56% Water ↑ 20% Rail ↑ 27% Bus ↑ 22% Rent ↑ 15% Electric ↑ 39% Food ↑ 19%

No man is an island. Except maybe Barry White.

1 Turning the corner 2 On Path to Prosperity… Cul-de-sac of credit? Deleveraging Drive? Roundabout of Rebalancing? Living standards Lane?

Seeds Of thought Grow in my hand Reaching Grasping To understand

Just saw a special on @NatGeo about snakes who are DEVELOPING THE ABILITY TO FLY FROM TREETOPS. #goodbyesleep

Don’t forget that tonight the clocks are still a tool of OPPRESSION built by the MAN to keep us DOWN.

What is it with poetry on twitter? It always involves touching of souls and shit.


And that’s your lot.



PS This is the best news story in the history of ever! I lol-ed and lol-ed.

And so it begins…

Finally got my arse into gear this weekend.

Admittedly I couldn’t really start my Mission Improbable training any earlier, my knee was knackered after that marathon so I had to rest it. I could have started everything else, mind.

I picked up my pencil and tattoo gun today. I can’t draw a bath, but you’ve got to start somewhere.

It took me an hour or so to work out how to get the bloody tattoo gun assembled and working. I did the tracing and printing thing on some fake skin they sent with it (didn’t do too well, first one I wiped off!) then set to tattooing it. I was at it about half an hour when the power pack for the gun made a cracking noise and that was that. Marvellous.

I’ve ordered a new power pack, this time with a fuse, (who builds electrical goods or plugs without a fuse? I didn’t even think to check.) for a princely £7.99 with P&P.

I think you’ll agree I’ve pretty much mastered the art though;


So, who’s first?

OK, maybe a little more practice.

I’ve set myself an arbitrary goal of having it cracked by the time I’m 50, which is over 2½ years away.


I started dieting last week as well. This time it’s serious. I need to get down to 9 to 9½ stone I reckon. I’m going to look wretched but it’s not about the aesthetic, it’s trying to shift the least lard at the fastest pace for 26.2 miles. Which is, as I’ve already mention, my Mission Improbable.

I started that yesterday. It’s even harder than I remembered. I kind of thought with my endurance training and such I would be fit enough to go fast, but it’s a whole different ball game. I warmed up then put it at 6 m/m pace and went for it. Within 2 minutes the sweat was streaming off me, I was gasping for air (there just wasn’t any) and I was dying to quit. I had a mile starting point in mind though so I forced myself to do the full six minutes.



Then, just for shit and giggles I tried the 5 m/m pace I need to be at. One minute was all I could take. So, just 134 more minutes to go.

Today I did 6 m/m again, I was feeling fine for 4 minutes thought I was on for at least 2 miles, then at 5½ minutes it hit me really hard. I managed to do 7 minutes though. If I could improve by a minute a day it would only take me 150 days to get to marathon distance. I can’t see that happening, but you never know, I might adjust to the pace. I hope so. Then I have to start all over again at 5 m/m. It really is an Everest of an ambition.

Tomorrow it’s another run and drawing practice in the morning, then back on my bike to work and back to the German at work.  I’m doing The Outlaw next year so I need to be bike fit. Think I’ll just throw in a few swims nearer the time. I have way too much to be going on with as it is.

I was thinking if I can get it down to a steady 5 m/m for marathon lengths I may as well have a go at the 4 m/m for a sprint. I’m almost certain I won’t get that, but you know, something to think about.

Also, if I do get my sub 2.30 marathon (2.15 is my goal!) maybe I could keep up that training and learn proper swimming. Do one blistering Ironman. If I did it as I turn 50 I’ll be the youngest in the (50-54) group. It’s worth a thought.


Wendy’s having a rough old time of it.  She’s had 3 attacks of her agonising gall stone thing this week. Her works have told her to stay off sick. She’s got a doctor’s appointment tomorrow concerning it. We are desperately hoping that they are going to give her a surgery date. Poor sausage. She’s munching cocodamol but they don’t stop the pain. There’s nothing she can do but take it and wait for it to go off.  She’s suffering now. Not a damn thing I can do about it.


I’ll round up the week on Twitter then check up on her.


The DMreporter had;

HEALTH: ‘Raw vegetables are the key to eternal life’ says woman, 29.



In politics/ tory scum we had;

Either the Tories aren’t really "for hardworking people" or NHS staff aren’t hardworking people. Must be the latter. Tories wouldn’t lie.

I am glad Tommy Robinson has left the English Defence League. There is no place for extremists in a racist, neo-fascist organisation

Oh for christssake RT @bbcsomerset Owen Paterson: "I’m not moving the goalposts, the badgers are moving the goalposts!"


Imagine a government that admits it gets out-thought by a few badgers. Then imagine that govt running the country. Result? Ian Duncan Smith.



And my favest of faves, General;

I walked home past a teenager boasting to her friends that she makes "the maddest soups."

Southland School Bus Driver Recruitment

This newspaper cutting from @anthony_mcgowan made my wife snort tea out through her nostrils

Watching The Story Of The Ottomans. Sofa so good.


Telekinetic Coffee Shop Surprise – the best bit of viral marketing you’ll see today.

That WWF logo is rubbish, no way would I have associated it with the wrestling. This is better.


Brilliant bit of British understatement on @simonmayo ‘s 3 word Wednesday: "Hope parachute opens."

The there’s this, (read the replies)

I was personally quite relived by that last one, I read it as a hashtag and thought it said penis *breaker*.

I cried as I took apart my Russian doll until I realised it was just an onion.

TLF TravelAlerts mentioned:

Due to an unexpected rise in the number of badgers on the District line, there are currently minor delays to our topical references.

"Try to write their name in a silly way so they’ll think it’s a cute mistake and Instagram the cup" – Starbucks training manual.

Friday comes in the form of a goat. It tries to eat your duvet, your socks and your bathroom. You realise it isn’t Friday. It’s just a goat.

Very disappointed to find that @at isn’t a Star Wars themed account.

‘When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a sledge hammer it’s ‘art’. When I do it I’m asked to leave B&Q.

England vs Montenegro! Will Wilshere start? Will England win? One thing’s for sure: By the end of it, we’ll all be that bit closer to death.

Dacre: "Out in the real world, it was a pretty serious week for news." Mail Online headline: "Samantha Cameron’s boots are a bit shit."

Apparently LSD makes you lose weight..Not surprising when you realize a giant dragon is guarding the fridge

What makes this, is the kitten’s expression.

The internet in a nutshell;

One of the biggest problems in the fashion industry, summarized in one sentence.

Lightning inside a volcanic ash cloud


And that’s your lot folks.



Navel. See me gaze.

I had a simple thought that has lead to a bit of philosophical pondering. I seek input.

My thought was; in many sci-fi novels the tech exists to upload your memories, your brain pattern and basically your consciousness. If you had the tech implanted so you were always backed-up, when your body died would you still be alive?


My gut reaction, strangely is ‘no’.

I am not religious, I believe our intelligence is what defines us and that is the sum of our biology and experience. Ergo, if that survives so should we. But knowing I was backed up, if someone threatened to shoot me I would still be afraid of dying. Therefore I must think ‘I’ die.

All my reason points to the fact that I should say ‘yes’, I live on.

We live in a construct of our own making, we ‘see’ the front of a book and our mind fills in the missing sides and gives it mass. We have no direct experience of the ‘real’ world, everything is an interpretation by our senses. Light hits the eye, is turned into electrical signals which the brain interprets by medical voodoo. We are not seeing the object, we are receiving an interpretation of electrical signals.

I think therefore I am, (I think, therefore there must be something doing the thinking, call that something ‘I’ therefore ‘I’ am/ I exist)  but beyond that we cannot be certain. If, the outside world is mere construct surely we can reproduce it to keep the ‘I’?

Of course there’s the famous Samuel Johnson kicking a rock “I refute it thus!”  By which he shows he perceives a rock to have matter, solidity and indeed existence then kicks it, supposedly proving it’s existence by the pain he receives.  This sophistry can be dismissed by what turns out to be a fake Buddha quote (bloody internet!) “The foot feels the foot when it feels the ground.”

Again it is just the interpretation of signal, not the actual ‘reality’.

So the outside world has no independently verifiable reality, it is all just interpretation of electrical signals. These are the perfect conditions for our uploaded consciousness to continue.

If my brain was to be transplanted into another body I would feel that ‘I’ survived. So it just a biological prejudice?


I am still me, even though I have two false teeth. There is the key word though, ‘false’.

I think a programme that was running “Buck 1.1” would be a (I shudder to use the word) soulless machine.

However perfect a copy it would not be me.

So what is ‘me’?


I must be missing something.

Sorry for the sloppy structure, I’m not clear on my arguments here, I’m just fumbling for an answer to a question I don’t fully understand.

Any clarification/ answers would be appreciated.

Bonus points for answering the other simple one; the meaning of life, the universe and everything. Demerits, the dunce’s cap and a lengthy spell on the naughty step for answering “42”.