Archive for November, 2013

Chi. Still got it.

This is another running related blog. Sorry. My life seems to go in obsessive spurts in one direction, followed by disinterest and active avoidance. This is one of the reasons I enter races, so I have to train.

I tried to stick to that training plan, starting last week.

It said start off with a 6 mile ‘easy’ run. I thought if I was doing a slow one I might as well up the incline on the tready. Such a mistake. Runner’s World said to train at 1% incline to simulate proper running, but then I went for a 10 mile road run (at 7.30 m/m pace) and my pulse was 153, the same as 6.30 m/m on the tready. That can’t be right.

So, slow run, put it at 2%. You wouldn’t think it would make any difference, 1%. It does. It really does.

My ankles and shins were really sore and my muscles had set the next day. That kind of buggered me up for the week. That was on Monday, but I determined to go through with my plan to join a running club, meeting on Tuesday.

Whadda ya know? I braced myself (I was nervous about going, after all) girded my loins and drove to Birchwood. I was there, 3 other confused runners were there, the club was not. The others seemed to think the club had met up somewhere else. Ace.

I determined to go to the next session then, 1845 on Thursday. Work went tits up and I didn’t get home until 1900. The gods mock me. Again.

No worries, the hold weekend meets. Saturday I was working, so I determined to do the Sunday run. I looked on the website on Saturday night, Sunday runs: times and locations to be confirmed at Thursday session.

*death from headdesk*

So I’ve still not joined. Or done a run with them.

 

After a few days rest I determined to batter my 3 mile PB yesterday. I did that 6.15 m/m with energy to spare. Yesterday was going to be the day. 6 m/m. A landmark. A line in the sand. This far and only further.

I crashed and burned after 5 minutes.

Balls.

My pulse was 163, my breathing wouldn’t settle into a rhythm and my mental toughness wasn’t there. I was looking at the clock ‘I’ve only done 4 minutes, I can’t do another 14 like this. I’ve got to stop’. Once you weaken and start thinking like that you’ve had it. You have to embrace the pain, grit your teeth and soldier on.

I was that disgusted with myself I changed into my outdoors running kit, complete with my super-duper gps watch, and went for a 20 mile run.

It is different outside. Cold, which is good. With mile markers, so you are running to the next landmark, not for the next 2 hours. I know the mile markers for the first 5 miles, ie for my 10 mile run, after that it’s just ‘I’ve been running this long, I must be about… that means I’ve got an hour and a half to run’. With my lovely, lovely watch it automatically buzzes every ‘lap’ (mile, by default) and gives you your lap time. So instead of an hour and a half I had lots of lovely do-able miles, each trying not to let myself down.

I was buzzing after that run. The watch was ace, I did 20 miles, with hills, and the point at 16 miles where I used to whimper in relief seeing Winwick church steeple hove into view (and knowing I was getting back towards civilisation) was just another mile.

I averaged at slightly under 8 m/m pace. Not too shabby, with hills. I was surprised after flat, relatively short runs on the tready.

Today I started again. 6 miles ‘easy’ ran it at 8 m/m. My pulse was 143, so not overdoing it, but it was so hard. I was sweating like a bee-hatch and really had to show some resolve to not slow it down or stop. I did it though. It got easier after 3 miles.

 

In other news, Wendy went for her appointment with the consultant. Finally.

He gave her another ultrasound and some other tests and said she has some liver complications. He thinks one of the gall stones may be stuck in a duct. He can’t authorise surgery until he’s sure, so he’s ordered the next available MMR scan. Wendy was talking to someone else she knows who’s had it (seems to be a chick disease, everyone’s had their gall bladder removed!) and she reckons if there is a blockage they have to do an endoscopy and clear the passage before they can operate. Nice.

Wendy’s poorly cousin, who’s a NHS veteran reckons it will be after xmas before they operate now.

 

I applied with the Manc agency for that job on my doorstep. Not heard anything about it yet, but I see they have built the new distribution depot about 2½ miles from our house. No trucks there yet, but it looks mostly done. That’s the job for me.

 

Tomorrow I try again to join my run club. I think I’ll do my training programme as well (warm up, 4 x 1 mile sprint, warm down). It will make the night training harder, but what the hey?

 

Anyway here, to pull me out of the crap, is Twitter;

DMreporter had

IMMUGATION: “A spectacular mistake” – Jack Straw admits Labour got it wrong, but is it too late to pitchfork the brown-skins back home?

ROMANCE: Poor people have cheap wedding because they’re poor. Look at them. Aaah. Bless. They’re so poor. Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Poor.

ROMA MIGRANT FACTS: • They sell babies • They eat dogs • They poo in the street • They hate Jesus • They can fly • One word: benefits

This week’s Daily Mail Cancer List: Mo) Yeast Tu) Pillows We) Value brands Th) Helium Fr) Romance Sa) Brevity Su) NHS cancer treatment

HEALTH: Brits ditch ‘dangerous’ NHS to use EU hospitals. <SEND> SCUM: Revealed – EU citizens ‘bleeding NHS dry’ with health tourism.

 

 

Politics/ tory scum was rife:

Hmmm why do we think @Jeremy_Hunt might be trying to pass a law which allows him to close hospitals without asking the public? #saveourNHS

A year’s income on JSA of £3,692 is "too generous". Heating bills claimed on expenses by one millionaire MP? £5,822 #ShareTheFacts

Chancellor announces extra cold weather payments for Tory MPs’ horses; http://wp.me/p1U04a-5BP

8,210 convicted of benefit fraud in 2010/11. 365 sent to jail. But Tory MPs like Nadine Dorris and Nadhim Zahawi need only apologise.

CAMERON. Speaks to City Fat Cats at the Mansion House tonight, the ones he has given huge tax cuts to. Tomorrow he defends the Bedroom Tax.

The only group of people in receipt of Housing Benefit, are landlords. Understand that before opening your mouth.

Anne Main MP Expenses: claimed 10% 2ndhome discount on her council tax even though her daughter lived there for up to 3 years. #bedroomtax

Incredible that Anne Main MP getting uppity about cancelling #bedroomtax after having been found guilty of wrongly claiming £7,100 expenses.

Tories say taxpayers shouldn’t pay for houses too big for people, so why do MPs need second homes paid for by the taxpayers #bedroomtax

Also remembering that this was an actual poster in actual real life.

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Tory MP Ben Gummer voted to retain #BedroomTax but claimed £15,000 for own housing #shirker

Tory MP Brian Binley voted to retain #BedroomTax but claimed £17,793 for own housing #shirker

In case you missed this… There’s going to be in independent inquiry into #Cameron ‘s Human Rights Abuses in the UK soon! By the UN #c4news

And now specific laws to jail NHS staff – they really hate the NHS. How many bankers jailed?

This is what the #NHS was like before Lansleys chaos -Don’t delete history

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‘Two companies who have given £1.5m to the Tory party now have £1.5billion in nhs contracts’ burnham on #bbcsp

Hospitals seeing spiraling number of patients suffering from malnutrition. This isn’t politics, its murder on a massive scale.

LYNTON CROSBY. So this is the man who is advising Cameron to attack the unions? Should put his own house in order.

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And best till last, General:

Kristallnacht 75th anniversary, Remembrance Sunday, Philippines disaster – this weekend’s reminders that there is no god

Heat your room for 8 pence a day. http://wp.me/p2gfve-1aJ

There can be few things worse than a death threat written in Comic Sans.

#JohnLewisAdRipoffs British Gas: Bear & hare freeze to death because they can’t afford fuel this winter. Laughing man drives past in Bentley

I will be this kind of grandma in my old age…

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The most powerful anti-war video – Former SAS soldier Ben Griffin – I Will NOT Fight For Queen and Country http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53w3XoAdhJA&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D53w3XoAdhJA&app=desktop …

If you missed it earlier, you can catch up with Radio 4’s Two Minute Silence on the iPlayer.

Let’s go to Iceland

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Six weeks without twitter gave me the opportunity to spend more time with my family, and take stock of what’s really important. So I’m back.

How to tell if your dog has been caught up in a sex scandal:

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There is a roundabout in Brighton called the Vogue Gyratory. I challenge anyone to find a more fabulously named roundabout.

1: Mark spot on map 2: Add note saying “If anything happens, the money’s buried here” 3: Put map in suit pocket 4: Give suit to charity shop

Just so you all know: If I get found, locked in a bag, in a bath tub. SOMEONE FUCKING KILLED ME.

I’m as serious as glandular fever when I say rhythm is a beaver.

RECREATE that freeform jazz experience by throwing a squeaky toy into a tumble dryer, then stroking your chin & nodding.

@BBCOne #britainonthefiddle. You just look plain silly now and at the behest of the political establishment.

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millionaire businessman mislaid bag of cash at tory party gig – speaks of his luck changing a week later when he won a huge govt contract

 #CAPRICORN: Jupiter and Mars are in the ascension of declaration and revolving around a cylindrical plane. You get run over today.

It makes me cry reading Dave’s struggle from filthy rich to mega rich, the hardships, the set backs, the inheritance.

"If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe." – Carl Sagan

 

"Potatoes gonna potate."

50yrs ago today facing a screaming mob 6yr.old Ruby walked into 1st Elem.school. (1960)

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Brace yourself for this: New Orleans man is in jail FOREVER for stealing a $159 jacket via @ACLU http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/nov/13/us-prisoners-sentences-life-non-violent-crimes …

 

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Tesco are already selling eggs, flour, sugar and lemon juice. What is it, over three months until pancake day? Fucking joke.

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McFly telling stories about children in severe poverty. What is it @MsJackMonroe says? Go upstream and find out who’s pushing them in.

"@BBCNewsMagazine: Lee Harvey Oswald still has an overdue library book from Dallas public library http://bbc.in/1eVv2T5 " << The bastard!

Tom Baker’s answer when asked about his favourite memory of #DoctorWho

 

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David Cameron has personally contributed 300,000 more children to #childreninneed since he came to power

Massive respect to man on the radio who said he’d seen "incorrect plurals on numerous internet fora".

US-UK terms explained

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http://funnado.com/idiots-fighting-things/

Well I, for one, am FUCKING SHOCKED!!

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21 reasons why journalism is being replaced by lists.

How to look like Batman, using your cat

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Dr. Kim Plastic Surgeon – Be born again

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Surprising dangers of marathon running. Be afraid. Be very afraid

runnersworld.com/fun/7-surprising-dangers-of-running-a-marathon?page=single …

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WikiLeaks war dairies: US army detains 8 donkies smugging 38,000 cigarettes to #Syria

I don’t reckon the donkey’s were responsible. I think they were just drugs mules. *gets coat*

"And outside you have this bijou garden" We call that a back yard in Yorkshire #ETTC

Oh, right. Tory Police Commissioner wants to put unemployed families into camps. That sounds familiar.

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EXTREME WEATHER WARNING! Tonight for the first time just about half past ten. For the first time in history it’s gonna start raining men

So what if I’m stood in bargain booze in my dressing gown & crying!! Keep your questions & judgement to yourself & sell me the fucking gin

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@tweetofgod had: You don’t think, therefore I am.

US Govt Says CIA Black Site Prisoners’ Memory Of Their Own Torture Is Classified http://bit.ly/1bV4pss

Centraal Beheer (A Dutch insurance company)

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Guess that was going for the ‘shit happens’ angle. I like it.

And finally laugh out loud funny kitten pic:

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Just me laughing? Oh. Cracks me up. Honking great head, titchy body.

Later,

Buck.

It is *ON*!

I had set the bar for my best effort for 3 miles. It was a 6.30 m/m. It near killed me, but that was it, best effort. I then upped the pace to 6.20 and failed badly on two attempts on tired legs. As I said in my last blog I was going to rest for a day or two then try again. On Friday I warmed up, rested for a minute and gave myself a stern talking to. “Do. Or do not. There is not try. And there is no ‘do not’. Do it, fatlad.”

I set the pace at 6.15 and went for it.

I battered it! I kept the pace up for 5k (3.1 miles) to see what my best speed was for the distance, then dropped the speed (still sub 7!) for 2 miles to get my breath back, then did the last mile of 10k at 6.30!

Check me out!

Catching my breath at sub 7! Straight after setting new PB. And finishing off with my previous PB!

The thing is, it wasn’t that bad. I just stared ahead, concentrated on my breathing, got my pulse down to 150 ish, and carried on. As demonstrated by the extra .1 of a mile. Usually I’m playing mind tricks for the last 5 minutes, telling myself ‘after this is only a half mile, after the next minute it’s only a minute, 10 seconds, 9, …1,  STOP!’  This time I reckon I could have done another mile at that pace.

So, so chuffed. After those failures earlier in the week I was worrying I might not be able to improve. I’d started to think that I’d hit my physical barrier. Which would have been doubly embarrassing as I’d not previously considered the possibility that I might have one, and I’ve told everyone my plans based on the assumption that graft = results. It would have been a monster portion of humble pie to choke down if I couldn’t have improved at all.

Anyway, that is not a concern now. Mission Improbable is *ON*!

 

After such a glorious day yesterday, I went to hop on a trailer at work today and pulled my groin. D’oh!

I tried to do some fast miles when I got in, but my legs weren’t having it. My shins were hurting and my groin was sore.

My funky new watch arrived today. It is all-singing and all-dancing. I’m going to put it through it’s paces tomorrow. Probably slowly if my legs aren’t better.

 

I had a moment of epiphany earlier this week; I’m on mornings at the moment, I can join a running club!

That is why I was testing my 5 and 10k times. The Spectrum Striders (Birchwood running club) train in three groups. The fast group is defined as 5k in 16-22 minutes, 10k in 33-44 m and a half marathon as 1.09- 1.34.

I did 5k in 19.27 and 10k in 40.22. I’ve not tried a half marathon at pace yet. I think I should get into the fast group though. If they can beast me to a 1.09 half, that’s got to be a 2.30 marathon, surely?

I was going to go and play (with SS) tomorrow but with an injury I’d best not.

I’m not overly concerned about joining a running club. Tri club is intimidating because I’ll be the fat, useless, half-drowning, old duffer (and not so clever cyclist).  In a running club I know I can hold my own.

Also, they say if you’re serious about tri join a running club, a cycling club and a swimming club. But that’s not the objective here, I just want to concentrate on doing one thing well. The Outlaw next year is just going to be me scraping by in the the swim (as usual), not being too terrible on the bike, then absolutely slaughtering the run. I hope. 

I am pumped with mojo at the moment. The trouble is; you can’t rest so you are fit for setting new PB’s and train. Still, forcing myself to endure longer (10 miles) at fairly fast pace 7 m/m set me up for that new PB. 

If my legs/ groin aren’t too bad tomorrow (injury fear!) I think I’ll download that training plan on the assumption that I will be able to step it up to 3 miles at 6 m/m. I can’t wait until I crack that barrier. I didn’t do it last time I started (before being laid up for months with injury) and I couldn’t do it this time. Taking a step back, and a longer run up, looks like it’s going to pay off.

Here is the training plan if you want to crack the sub 3 hour marathon btw: http://www.runnersworld.ltd.uk/acatalog/sub_3_hour_schedule.html 

I was just looking at it and apart from the 3 miles at 6 m/m, (which I really think I can do next rested run) I can piss the rest right up until the end of  week 9.

And, I’ve just realised, it’s not a 20 week schedule, it’s 14! I don’t know that I trust it. The longest run is 3 weeks before the race and that is 20 miles in 2.30. Which works out as a marathon in 3.16. You are supposed to lose 17 minutes in 3 weeks without speed or distance training? *worried face*

Hmm, I’ll try it, I still have 5 weeks spare at the end if I need to work on speed and endurance. Kind of the definition of a fast marathon.

 

Anyway, enough of my self indulgent waffling.  Bring on the bread and circuses that is Twitter;

 

The DMreporter had:

ENERGY: British Gas caught stealing flowers from graves, popping children’s balloons and robbing piggy banks. Also, extorting the public.

PRESS COULUSION: Did spin flop and red top push Tory fop for top job during bed hop?

IMMIGRATION: Star Trek convention raided by Border Control after advert boasting of ‘highest Romulan attendance in Europe.’

HISTORY: Reclusive widow of Lee Harvey Oswald turns down our interview request, so here’s 20 pictures of her in public. That’ll learn her.

POLL: Are unions a bigger threat to Great Britain than terrorism? A) Yes – I love freedom and puppies B) No – Hitler was right

TO CATCH A PREDATOR: Computer generated child ‘Sweetie’, created to entrap online paedophiles, looks all grown up at premier of new film…

BROADCASTING: BBC officially inherit title of ‘Evil Empire’ from Rupert Murdoch

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HACKING: Tapes of Elvis planning the assassination of JFK, skull of Hitler and T-1000 endoskeleton found in News of the World safe.

EDITORIAL: ‘Human rights, legal aid, Citizens Advice, banking regulations and the speaking clock are a gift to paedophile terrorists.’

 

 

In politics/ tory scum we had:

Ah, BBC left wing bias: Nick Robinson – Young Conservatives David Dimbleby – Bullingdon Andrew Neil – Murdoch John Humphrys – Daily Mail

I think the fact that the EDL has set up a Spanish ex-pat division has made my life. They’re too stupid to see their hypocrisy

Just to be clear, David Cameron is threatening to use D-Notices or legal injunctions on @guardian if it continues to publish #snowden files

Kinda weird that Cameron wants to stop Guardian releasing Snowden leaks. After all, if Cameron’s done nothing wrong, he has nothing to hide.

Osborne has borrowed more money than #Labour did in 13 years of power combined. The Deficit is not down. The stats are out there. #tories

No Country for Old Men, Old Women, Disabled, Unemployed, Immigrants, Teachers, Nurses and Badgers. #ToryHalloweenFilms

Good Will Fox Hunting #ToryHalloweenFilms

Funny how Tories can sympathise with residents who object to wind farms, but dismiss those with concerns for fracking as misinformed.

The Nepalese have a word for people like David Cameron. It’s whatever the Nepalese is for "twat".

"Labour has never been a socialist party but it’s always had socialists in it just as there are some Christians in the Church" – Tony Benn

We should knock this second home for MPs business on the head. Build them halls of residence instead. They take the piss.

MPs claim expenses for houses, heating, food, travel, children paddocks, underpants etc. But its the poor who want something for nothing?

Ken Clarke on the veil: "It’s a most peculiar costume for people to adopt in the 21st century."

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Wonga has given the Tory party 800,000 so far this year – of course they won’t regulate

That a UK MP is able to claim more for heating a SECOND home than a disabled person can claim in housing benefit is nothing short of evil.

Ukip must have about 200 seats the amount of times they are on tv, oh no sorry its none, easy mistake to make

 

(Sub section, UKIPtips) Leave people in no doubt what you stand for by changing your description from ‘Libertarian, non-racist’ to ‘Libertarian, non-racist, but…’

Fed up with the BBC’s ‘lefty bias’? Cheer up, Nigel Farage will be making his 1000th Question Time appearance on Thursday

 

 

And general brought us this:

We had the Southern panic over that storm in a teacup. I contributed this:

Bit windy. #battendownthehatches #runtotheshelters #everymanforhimself #sodthewomenandchildren #wind #overreaction #panicandfreakthefuckout

Devastating storms are currently ripping through Kent.

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BBC news – "Stay indoors overnight." Time to cancel that period of randomly standing outdoors between 3-5am that I was planning before work.

I wasn’t paying attention, did Larnden get washed out to sea?

Was there a Godzilla attack? Did someone RELEASE THE KRAKEN? Was their a giant kitten on the Post Office Tower?

 

Snowflakes are like people. Pour boiling water over them and they’ll soon go away.

It’s almost as if The Bible was written by racist, sexist, homophobic, violent, sexually frustrated men, instead of a loving God. Weird.

SSS $ The international emoticon for: A gang of snakes are burning an eel at the stake. Why can’t they get along?

The govt is building new nuclear power stations. It’s going to be a real shot in the arm for Britain’s struggling Godzilla fighting industry

C4 News reporting Ofgem report that bulk of recent energy bill rises accounted for by doubling of energy company profits!

They could make baseball actually interesting by releasing lions on to the field.

What a coincidence drivers of VIP paedos Savile and Demmink both found dead. That’s the power elite for you.

Saville’s driver JUST HAPPENED to commit suicide on the eve of his sex abuse trial. High-level paedo rings are nothing if not ‘persuasive’.

#GEMINI: Today you replace the can of air freshener in the workplace lavatory with an air horn. So now it’s just a waiting game.

I don’t have a costume. I’ll probably just cut eye holes in an old sheet and go as a moderate Republican

Hippos only have good intentions

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The Daily Mail are using Lou Reed as a cautionary anti-drugs tale. Don’t do drugs or you may die at 71, respected the world over.

I’ve got a "bun" (baby) in the "oven" (oven)!

"Obamacare is like crack," says Michele Bachmann, increasing the pressure on crack dealers to offer coverage for pre-existing conditions

If you ask Google Maps for walking directions from The Shire to Mordor, it responds "One does not simply walk into Mordor."

You know those micro pigs ? Thinking of getting one ? Don’t.

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The real meaning of Halloween gets lost in all the costumes and marketing. Most people don’t even know Jesus fought a dragon, let alone why.

This is probably the wrong time to mention that Twitter was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

 

 

Possibly the best pumpkin I have ever seen. EVER

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Sir Patrick Stewart in the bath in a lobster suit.

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The #Sun admits ‘600,000 #benefittourist story was ‘not accurate’ & ‘has no evidence’ correction

 

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Whatcha. I’m at a wedding. This is the cake. Fucking ace.

Whatcha. I’m at a wedding. This is the cake. Fucking ace.

A beaver in a bee costume.

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LONDONERS. Get to Birmingham 50 minutes quicker by setting off from Rugby

Octogenarian Russian shepherd kicks and headbutts [bear], which tosses him off a cliff – but he lives… http://gu.com/p/3k2pt

Oh this is fab http://bit.ly/HvGc2Y Guys from Ducati dealership strike typical "girl on bike" poses.

FRIDAY FILM FACT: JJ Abram’s Star Wars VII film will feature a new villain; a Sith Lord composed entirely of lens flare.

There is at least one hugely annoying person in every family. If you cannot think of a clear contender in yours, it’s you.

Remember Remember The 25th of December Is still nearly 2 months away. I see no reason Why Tinselly Season Should really be started today.

For Halloween someone dressed their child up as Gordon Ramsay and I’m glad they did

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Children’s books are a lot darker than they used to be.

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The requirements from the client is "Do not design in a way that is known to cause seizures", you know, in case that was our plan.

I bet half the posers wearing Che Guevara t-shirts can’t even name one of his songs.

Royal Mail claiming "#weloveparcels", but cynical part of me thinks that they partly deliver them just for the money.

Marvellous. A busker sings “Smalltown Boy” by Bronski Beat. Then Jimmy Somerville surprises him by joining in. bit.ly/1e3UWU3

24 mile commute season ticket comparison: Paris £924 Berlin £700 Madrid £654 London £3,268 Profits before customers! #Rail #Renationalise

So shooting down people at an airport is *not* terrorism, but carrying a flashdrive with evidence of gov’t wrongdoing *is* terrorism

One reason why girls and young women grow up with zero self-esteem:

upworthy.com/see-why-we-have-an-absolutely-ridiculous-standard-of-beauty-in-just-37-seconds?g=2 …

(That is 37 seconds of your life you just have to spend. It is gobsmacking.)

Is Peter Capaldi’s Doctor too old? "How many young Santa Clauses have you seen?" says Steven Moffat

Dear homophobes, Stop being gay.

Middle age is when you start singing the Bionic Man theme music and it turns into Emmerdale Farm.

And isn’t it surreal, don’t you think? IT’S LIKE FLYING WHALES ON YOUR WEDDING DAY IT’S A FREE RIDE WHEN YOUR CAT IS THE POPE

I think there’s a glitch in the matrix this Monday morning

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Lest we forget

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8yro son: Shall we put the Christmas tree up? 10yro daughter: Don’t be an idiot, it’s only just November. She’s my favourite child now.

How many Egyptian liberals does it take to change a light bulb? Why, where’s the military?

If u think gays should have equal rights, u must be gay, say #teaparty people. Also, if u don’t want whales to be slaughtered, u’re a whale.

Last year, EDF paid nearly £700m in dividends, SSE £770m and Centrica more than £800m. #EnergyBills

Please can somebody just starve that Hopkins woman of the oxygen of publicity? Or just oxygen? Whatever’s easier.

Great picture guys. Drunken French teenagers abduct a circus llama and take him on a tram ride

Happy Bonfire Night! Don’t forget your pets tonight and ensure all dogs have kitten ear muffs!

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Guy Fawkes was the last man to wear one of those bloody masks with honourable intent.

You can take your religion and …. Oh actually *thats true*!… I think I just found God.

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A potato wrapped in foil and placed in the base of your bonfire makes an ideal ‘last meal’ for the condemned hedgehog trapped in there.

If you find a hedgehog in your bonfire, first remove it safely, then sit it in a massive chair and take a photo of it

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CATS. Need a shit? Why not wait ’til your owner has a hangover and use the litter tray? Be sure to maintain .eye-contact.

These indoor fireworks are brilliant

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HAAAAHA look at the one on the left what the hell hahahawesome.

 

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Never explain, never apologise. Sorry, but that’s how I feel.

My daughter just wrote a note to the tooth fairy. It included a series of questions and the attached footnote.

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"i’m not a hipster but i can make your hips stir" i’m not water but i will drown you

The most British thing I’ve ever read.

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Daphne sat for ages like this today. Maybe living with gays and watching Sister Act incessantly is to blame

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A homoerotic fanart has accidentally been used as the official poster for #Thor 2 in China:

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Over on Facebook the Muslims are cancelling Christmas again. I’m wondering if Facebook is getting Muslims confused with the Grinch.

This is also 100% genuine… A person dialled us on 999 to report that: “My friend has just stolen my heroin!” Seriously.

Daily Mail admits to completely fabricating expenses claims by Gordon Brown:  Make sure to share this far and wide.

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Dont stop!!!!!

 

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People telling how many sleeps it is until Christmas: That number reduces significantly if I knock you unconscious.

Best cable management ever.

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My monkey’s had a typewriter for 14 years now and all he’s written is The Da Vinci Code and a series of Mrs Brown’s Boys. #disappointing

Fav phrase so far today: Mr. Miyagi didn’t teach the Karate Kid to believe in himself. He taught him how to kick people in the fucking head.

Salvation Army says “Gays Need to Be Put to Death” — consider that before deciding whom to donate to http://tgvnews.com/2013/06/salvat

*It’s A Wonderful World plays* 8yo: Is this Nelson Mandela singing? Me: No, Louis Armstrong. 6yo: Is he Neil Armstrong’s brother?

hahaha all you dopes reading this were forever denied access to heaven 21 years ago

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#Thor‘s up all night for the Norse

Thor’s up all night with his horse

Thor’s up all night yeah of course

Thor’s up all night to get Loki

And on that sublime note,

toodles.

Buck.

Mojo. I haz it.

Just a brief blog before bed. 3 days off (glorious, it’s felt like a holiday, I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow) and I’ve found my mojo again.

On Sunday I did some running on the treadmill, I forget what. Monday I set out to up the bar on my 3 mile best time. I managed 2½ miles at 6.20 m/m then cracked like an egg. To make up for it I went out and did a cold 10 mile run. My legs didn’t want to play, my breathing was tits, I thought I was going to have to turn back in the first mile. It got better in the second mile and then I found my rhythm. A shit slow rhythm, but a maintainable one. At the 5 mile point I was a minute off my default pace of 8 m/m so I girded my loins and upped the pace on the way back. One mile was 8.05, but I still managed to get back dead on 1 hour 20, ie 8m/m pace. I’ll take that.

Today I tried again on the tready, but broke after 1½ miles. I did a few more minutes at different speeds then reset the machine to 7½ m/m and went for 10 miles. This is different to outdoor running. On the one hand you don’t have to worry about your pace dropping off, but on the other you aren’t running to the next mile marker, you just have an hour and fifteen minutes to endure.

At the hour point I thought I’d better check what exactly ten miles is in French (stupid km/ h machine) and to my horror found it was 16.09 k’s. I was only at 11 something. I ramped up the speed to a sub 7 m/m pace and went for it. It nearly killed me but I battered the next mile and a half before realising I’d set it too fast and was going to easily make it. I slowed it down to just under 7 m/m for the last half mile. I finished 16.01 (slight confusion over where the ‘1’ was in my mind, so 80 meters short) in 1.12:54

I’ve just battered my brain working out that the .08 of a K is 80 meters, and at 7m/m pace that would take 20 seconds, so call it 1.13:14.

My target, on tired legs, was to do 30 seconds per mile faster than yesterday, which would have been 1.15, so I battered that and did a heroic and apparently unnecessary, catch up on the last two miles.

I’m happy with that.

 

I’ll give it two days to rest my legs a bit and then I’m going to raise the bar on the 3 mile pace. I’ve done 6½ m/m, this time I’m aiming for 6:15. Then it’s only 15 seconds per mile off starting that bloody evil training plan.

 

I’ve found the ideal race for getting me started on Mission Improbable. The Manchester marathon, the UK’s flattest. There are only 56 meters of elevation change on the whole course. It’s flat, it’ll be cool, and it’s local. The only downer is it’s in April, so it’s pretty early in the year (April 6th.) I’ve decided that’s going to be my first sub 3 hour marathon. It’s a tall order but they all are. I’ve got to get to 3 miles at 6 m/m ASAP then start the 20 week plan. As the race, I’ve just worked out, is 21 weeks this Sunday, it’s going to be an epic tall order. Rise to the challenge, fat lad.

This means I now have 4 marathons, the Warrington half marathon and the Outlaw triathlon next year.

Busy.

 

I have been eyeing up GPS watches. They are a great tool. They can tell you your distance, speed, and even remember your last run so you can race against yourself. They have a cool little display of two runners, you and past you. Or you and someone else’s data from that run. Or you and a pace setter. That is all kinds of groovy. They are also programmable to give you Heart Rate Monitor data. So you can run at a given exertion level, in a given HR ‘zone’, (supposed to be how to master your max effort. Mine only ever says “SLOW DOWN, YOU FAT OLD FOOL, YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!”   That’s normal, right?)

As always, with great desirability comes great big price tag. 

The top of the range, triathlete friendly one, is £300! There are others specifically for running, but they aren’t waterproof for swimming. I’m still torn on which one is most suitable. It’s not like my swimming is any good, and on an actual race would I wear it in the water? Actually, I suppose yes. If you’ve got a GPS watch you wouldn’t want to leave it in a bag overnight, with people coming and going and bags getting mixed and looked in.

Anyway, Wendy has said I should get myself one as an xmas prezzie. What a spiffing good egg.

 

Well, that was a boring entry. Sorry. It’s just that I’m glad to have got my finger out and got back into the mindset of ‘how hard can I push it? I can do better tomorrow. Call *that* pain? Bring it on!’

 

Right, to sleep. This new gig is early starts.

Toodles,

Buck.

Change, change and change again.

What a farce this week was. I went in work on Monday and they officially told me that my job had been given to a full-timer and if I wanted any work I’d have to go to Crewe. They said to think about it and tell them on Tuesday.

I went in on Tuesday and they were surprised and confused. Apparently that was it on Monday; either commute 350 miles a week to Crewe or bugger off.

Oh.

I said I couldn’t do Crewe and was all set for going home, but then they swapped stuff around and sent me on my usual run after all. Bugger.

The agency rang me shortly after to tell me what I’d just found out, that I was without work. They said I could have Wednesday off, work Thursday and Friday for some other firm, then they’d put me back in Irlam on Monday on a different job, 0800 start. Nice one!

I’d barely put the ‘phone down when Irlam rang me on the truck ‘phone again. They had work for me in Knowsley. I said the agency had just been on and arranged work for me for the rest of the week, back in Irlam Monday. He said that was an ad hoc job and they wouldn’t need me Monday. *headsteeringwheel*

He rang the agency and then rang me back five minutes later about the Knowsley gig. “I’m going to make you this one time offer”,  “I’ve stuck my neck out to get you this”, “You either take this or that’s the end of your career with Ceva.”

Honestly. No shit. He actually said that bollocks.

I said I’d do it, just to shut him up.

I got finished at 23.45 on Tuesday, home and in bed for 0100, had to be up for 0745. I was already knackered, after a couple of long days, that was a killer.

I went in to do the “Trunking… It will be right up your street” only to find it was shunting around the yard and short distance general haulage. Ace.

This was picking up and dropping off pallets of newspapers. To new places I’d never been, down routes I didn’t know. I did the first run without too many problems. I came back, got tipped, and loaded. I set off to the second drop.

When I got there the whole load had tilted over.

It was all leant against one curtain. The papers were still on their pallets, still wrapped, but the wrap didn’t go around the pallet so they had just tipped sideways.  The depot refused the load and I had to take it back to the yard. On my first day at the new gig.

Then on the way back the M60 was bollocksed and I got stuck in it so went a few minutes over my driving time. I was thinking ‘ah well, at least I won’t have to face them tomorrow’ (as I’d be so sacked off.)

They told me to come in the next day! Are they mad?

I’ve learnt my lesson. Papers are bastards. Put as many straps as you can find on the bastards and go around every corner as slow as you can. Seems to work, I’ve done Thursday and Friday without incident.

When I finally got home on Wednesday night I thought I’d be sacked on Thursday as it would happen again. I honestly don’t know what I did wrong.  Just be extra, piss-takingly cautious on every bend.

The bright side to this new gig is the guy said he was overruled and forced to take an agency driver, he only wants full-timers.  I joked that I’d prefer to be a full-timer. He said, as the only agency guy, if I was any good I’d be the first choice as soon as something came up. If we can move on from that disastrous first day I’m in with a shout.

 

The other news is that I’ve set my baseline of fitness. It’s 3 miles at 6.30 m/m pace. I’ve ran it twice. Tonight I thought I was going to piss it, maybe speed it up or go longer, then suddenly at 2½ miles I was wrecked. I just wanted to stop. I had to really force myself to just keep going.  I was hoping I could set it to 6.40 m/m pace and properly start on #missionimprobable.  Sorry, that’s how I refer to it on Twitter. It looks stupid on here. Won’t happen again.

#missionimprobable.

OK, I lied.

 

Today was extra painful due to a work related injury. Hmm, someone should start a claims business in that.

Anyway, a lever at head height was stuck fast. I tried pushing it and hitting it, but it just hurt my hand. I resorted to gently persuading* it with my foot.  (*kicking the shit out of it.) Then one of my kicks missed and hit the base of the trailer (at chest height) my boot stopped dead but my foot carried on and smashed into the steel toecap of said boot.  I was giving it some welly and it was supposed to strike 18” higher so it was a big impact. I was hopping around for a few minutes in a world of pain.  My big toe, already a bit of a mess from running, is now all swollen and bruised. So tonight’s run was especially unpleasant.

 

Anyway, got to be up for 0550, better get to bed.

I’ll fill you in on the doings on Twitter next time.

Later

Buck.