Month: December 2013

Who knew?

It seemed adding long runs was the answer to everything. I did one 22 mile run, rested, ran for a whole hour at race pace. I did another, rested, ran for an hour and a half at race pace!


I was so pleased. My training had gone from 4 miles race pace then stopping for rests to 13 miles non-stop in the space of a week. You’ll note the past tense. I tried for another 22 mile run the day after and my knees and shins were killing me. I gave up and turned around at 4½ miles. It was painful and slow and I was worried that I was going to sustain a serious injury.

I suppose upping my mileage by 40+ miles in a week and smashing my endurance/ speed records was pushing it a bit.

Ho hum.

I’ve rested for 3 days, I’ll try another run tomorrow. I’ll do a faster hour on the tready.  I know I can do a half marathon at marathon pace (smashing 13 minutes off my previous best time!), now I need to get to get faster.  I was planning on *just* upping the miles I can run at race pace until I was at marathon distance but if I have to protect my knees, I’d better do shorter and faster runs for the time being. Make it so race pace is a comfortable plod.

I’m a bit miffed to be honest, it seemed like I was going to be up to full marathon at race pace within a month. Now it looks like my body needs time to adjust to the extra miles. Balls.

Talking of which, I was looking for this month’s Runner’s World today, I came across a magazine called ‘Men’s Running’. Fail immediately. Running is running. With the tagline “For runners with balls.” Epic fail.

Then I started thinking about Chrissie Wellington, the almost unbelievable British woman who won the World Ironman (female) event three times. Each time setting a new World record. Her best Iron distance time is 8 hours, 18 minutes, 13 seconds.

8 hr, 18 min, 13 sec.


To swim 2.4 miles, ride 112 then run a marathon (26.2 miles).

Obviously I’m just a fat old duffer, not a proper triathlete, but my best was 13.32 . I sometimes think about taking swimming lessons, really battering the bike and continuing with my sub 3hr marathon training and if I was really, really good scraping in under 10 hours. Even that isn’t likely.

A woman did it in 8.18:13. Tell her that it’s a male only running magazine.

To be fair there was a ‘Woman’s Running’ magazine. Presumably about the latest in pink running kit, who was dating whom in running circles, and what didn’t make your arse look big in lycra. It’s like that pink email about a women’s triathlon event. They already have them, they are called triathlon events.


In other news, work is worryingly slack. I had 3 days last week. I was out on Sunday afternoon, 15 miles into a 22 mile run, when the agency rang me and said I was in work. I pointed out that I wasn’t and that no-one had told me and I was in the middle of a 22 mile run. They asked what time I could be in work, I had to say ‘not tonight’, by the time I’d finished the run I wasn’t fit for shit. I told them I could work Monday or Tuesday, but that I’d have to be told first as I’m not psychic. Nothing was forthcoming. I don’t know whether the agency were trying to blag me into going in or whether work were actually expecting me on Sunday, but I’ve had no work since. I’ve got a shift tomorrow (Sunday) starting 1900 hrs. If they don’t cancel. We’ll have to wait until things settle down after New Year to see what the score is, but so far not too impressed.

Wendy is worrying as she’s not got her appointment to see the consultant yet about the results of her MRI (or was it an MMR?) yet and she’s only on half pay from here on in. If I’m getting full time hours we won’t even notice, but if I’m on one day a week money would soon get tight. Also, this month I’ve got to MOT and tax the car. It’s a shame for Wendy though. She’s been dieting for 6 months and looking forward to an xmas binge, she had one day’s troughing and was up all night throwing up and crying with pain. She’s back on her diet.

I’ve finished all the creamy/ xmassy goodies today. Tomorrow I start my diet. Think how easy the marathon will be if I’m carrying half a sack of spuds less around.


But enough waffle, to Twitter!

The DMreporter had:

FORECAST: Christmas Day ‘could be ruined by Labour’s disastrous unchecked immigration policy’ warn meteorologists.

ART: Portrait of Tony Blair unveiled at Royal Portrait Gallery

WAR: North Korea warns South Korea it will attack without warning.

IAIN DUNCAN SMITH: “Food banks exist because people use them. If people didn’t use them then they wouldn’t exist. It’s simple really.”

SHOPPING: ‘Any customer who tries to buy pork from a Muslim employee WILL be classified as a racist and reported to the EU’ confirm M&S.

WAR ON CHRISTMAS: Fury as shoppers at M&S are issued with a fatwa just for buying a Peppa Pig pullover.

IAN DUNCAN SMITH: “People who use food banks just can’t be bothered to go shopping. Try Ocado – they deliver, it’s really no effort at all.”

DAVID CAMERON: “Merry Christmas to everyone who earns over £40,000 a year!”

POVERTY: Number of children hospitalised with malnutrition doubles in a year. IDS – “it’s a credit to the Tories that the NHS is coping.”



In politics/ tory scum there was:

This painting of an 18th ct woman totally looks like David Cameron in drag

MP Nadhim Zahawi who claimed £5822 on expenses to heat his stables says Child Benefit should be limited to 2 children.

EU: Here you go UK, £22m to feed your poor. Tories: Dude, we LIKE making the poor suffer. Go blow it on champagne.

#bbcnews 500.000 people now fully reliant on food banks & Cameron’s priority is tax cuts for millionaires

While these MPs are debating #FoodBanks it’s worth noting that the taxpayer spent £7M on parliament food & drink in 12/13

It is perverse that so many wealthy MPs, who have subsidised food expenses, voted against feeding people who have nothing. #FoodBankDebate

If you earn £60,000 and have your food subsidised, don’t point at people on min wage and say they’re not budgeting properly. #foodbankdebate

Tories warn Labour that we shouldn’t "politicise" food bank issue. As if people starving in 21st century Britain isn’t a political issue!

#bbcnews Ester Mcvey walked out on the #FoodBankDebate to do paper work to claim her weekly £400

food bill.

Tories not accepting money for food poverty shows you,they want poverty.its not austerity,its demicide.culling of the poor.

Boris Johnson on urban foxes: “They look cuddly, but they’re a dangerous menace.” Such irony.

Michael Gove, the man who had to pay back £7,000 in expenses, says people who use foodbanks are “not best able to manage their finances”.

25,000 British ‘immigrants’ live in #Romania & #Bulgaria – will David Cameron be seeking their repatriation? #EU #freemovement

Food banks give people a helping hand and Tories say the recipients are scroungers, when £750bn was given to bailout the banks not a word.

“Redistributing wealth from top to bottom is called socialism. Redistributing wealth from bottom to top is called austerity.” (Max Keiser)

#IainDuncanSmith is very upset about the ‘Britain Isn’t Eating’ poster, so I wouldn’t dream of posting it:

2013 and this rotten government in a nutshell:

So the police are giving #Foodbanks 20,000 from proceeds of crime but IDS still insists there is no problem..

Ah, I’d missed that. Osborne launching legal challenge against EU ruling that bankers can "only" receive bonus of 100% of their salary.

Glad someone is standing up for those poor under-paid souls. Hmmm.

Two thirds of single parents and 1 in 10 of all parents in the UK are missing meals to feed their children. #Britainisnteating

Martin Rowson on a very Tory Christmas – #IDS included – Guardian cartoon

I’m glad David Cameron visited people affected by the storms. Will he now visit a food bank to meet families affected by his policies?

Disabled man, blind commits suicide after starving for weeks when UKGov/DWP/Atos slashed his benefits …



And lovely, lovely ‘General’ was as eclectic as ever;

This damned fog. Two hours after leaving the house, I find myself back outside my front door, naked, covered in snake bites.

Flesh coloured leggings. Yes or no?

*Facepalm* RT @louisebrealey Ah, this is brilliant. Journalistic gold from The Sun’s Tom Newton Dunn:

(Wendy’s signed us up to a charity after seeing that. Fair do’s.)

Parisian shop window suggests realistic alternative to liberté, egalité, fraternité

Opinions are a lot like orgasms mines more important and I don’t care if you have one

Only the married squirrels hurl themselves under your wheels

CONVINCE people you are the Mandela Memorial Interpreter by doing the Birdie Dance.

Miserly billionaire parasite Frau Windsor stressed about people eating her cashews. Try struggling to feed your kids you miserable old shit.

GIVE Christmas puddings a 21st century touch by adding a handful of Bitcoins to the mix

"Milk used to give Poppy tummy aches. Not anymore." Because I told Poppy that milk is the blood of dead unicorns & also that she’s adopted.

#ThingsBetterThanXFactor Putting your underwear on in the morning, but it’s not underwear, it’s nettles. Toothache. A Deep Heat handjob.

#ThingsBetterThanXFactor Your finger going through the loo roll as you wipe. Retching but nothing coming up. Kidney stones. Panic.

#ThingsBetterThanXFactor Pickled onion yoghurt. Piles. Posting a vague Facebook status and nobody asking "u ok hun"? BT’s customer service.

I am playing the #XFactor drinking game. When it comes on I go down the pub.

(Probably ‘shopped but cool picture : )

There could be a Regional Newspaper looking fo, 1) Journalist ; 2) Type Setter ; 3) Proof Reader

Fifty Sheds of Grey tweeted: ‘Do it,’ she begged. ‘OK,’ I said, tying her hands and gagging her, ‘But there must be easier ways to avoid putting on weight at Christmas.’

Another shot of Norfolk’s finest, Barn Owl hunting in this evening’s light ! Chuffed :o)

I don’t particularly like this pub but it’s the only one in range of the baby monitor. #babysitting #bestuncleever

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men. Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

"Share this photo to spread awareness of cancer". Thanks for that. I’d never heard of cancer previously. #FacebookShittery

Loving Virgin America’s last call announcement: "We’d hate to leave without you, but we totally will."

The Daily Mail knows who to blame on the day a predatory paedophile gets his 35 year sentence:

Disabled restroom you had one job

These two Facebook statuses made my day

BUS CRASH IN LARNDAN! Inside, secret to eternal life discovered in Leeds

"Religious wars are basically people killing each other over who has the better imaginary friend" — Napoleon Bonaparte

remember, with the ice storm, don’t be a fool, take the unicycle instead

Also, one child’s mum brought the staff a present – a watermelon that she had carved. How amazing is this?!

my boyfriend keeps trying to take cute pictures of me, SO ANNOYING

I love that lots of people are sharing this around. Maybe you’d like to tweet it too?

Best #nativity scene ever?

Map of countries that kill you if you are gay; notice that there are no celebs hashtagging outrage for any of them

News just said Google have purchased eighth robotics company in six months. #cyberdynesystems #skynet #wereallfucked

@brilliantads had:

Brilliant Google Ad!

Take your age. Subtract 2. Then add 2. That is your age.

My favourite screen grab ever

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote. – Ben Franklin

Facebook needs a "Wow that’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, you should be punched in the throat" button.

marking essays about leopards. starting to hate leopards. whats for dinner i hope it’s leopards pie

Is this real? Is Nick Griffin actually this stupid?! Just, wow. #OperationWhiteVote #BNP #NotEvenHidingItAnymore

(it is real btw, off their website. Just goosestep over there if you don’t believe me.)

It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.

Give yourself an idea of UKIP’s views on employment rights by working longer hours for less pay and sacking yourself without notice

Apparently if you get caught shoplifting in @marksandspencer they will now cut your hands off

Daily Mail coverage of Birth of Jesus: ‘Irresponsible Mum gives Birth to Fatherless Child As Bethlehem Swamped with Immigrants’

"The Sun" How Mary got her figure back in just 6 hours. The real Xmas Miracle

Daily Express coverage of #BirthofJesus: ‘Immigrant Births in Bethlehem UP as Extreme Weather Means YOU’RE Paying’

Telegraph: Unmarried Christian couple turned away from b&b

The Guardian coverage of the #birthofJesus: "Virgin Mary’s Immaculate Conception Hailed As Dawn of New Feminist Wave"

EXPRESS – Shepherds and angels reveal Diana: the TRUTH

Daily Mail: Immigrant Child Given Gold Frankincense and Myrrh for Being Born; Local Children Get Nothing.

Fact: Vegetarians live up to 9 years longer than meat-eaters. 9 horrible, tedious, meaningless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

My favourite thing in the world, the shipping forecast is on @BBCRadio4. If you’re unable to listen, I’ll summarise. DO NOT go on a boat.

The clock ticks. A turkey sits, untouched, surrounded by trimmings. "They forgot again," whispers Dre sadly.

Oh to be 75. Asked Grandad for password which has to be 8 characters for new iPad and he said ‘snow white and the 7 dwarves’ Lovely

My son has just got his degree in English medieval literature. Just have to wait for the job offers to start rolling in now!

Malnutrition cases in English hospitals almost double in five years- … – People who are so hungry they are hospitalised

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

As if I didn’t despise the Mail enough

Pope Francis Excommunicates Priest Who Backed Women’s Ordination and Gays <<Time magazine Person of the year.

This new "in private" browsing mode in Internet Explorer is rubbish. Everyone in the internet cafe can still see me wanking.


And finally. . . what do you get if you cross a French bulldog with #TheGrinchWhoStoleChristmas?

And on that festive bombshell,



Every inch exists in miles.

I’m getting there, people. My new strategy is showing real results after only 3 runs. It’s hard to get the tready time when I’m working. I did my first attempt at an hour at race pace of 6.45 m/m, managed 3 miles (3 min rest) something like 1 mile, rest, etc up to 6.25 miles in the hour. And that was tough. The next time (on tired legs) I did 2½ miles, rest, 1½ miles (at too fast speed), rest, etc  making 7 and a bit miles.

Today, with legs as fresh as a daisy, I did 4 miles, 3 min rest, 2 miles, 2 min rest, 50 seconds rest a bit over half a mile. Anyway, the point is; I ran 4 miles before my first breather, then 2 miles. In total, a smidge over 8 miles in the hour. That, my friend, is progress.

The best bits were the periods where I was thinking, ‘this ain’t so bad, I can keep this up all day’. Then my breathing got ragged and I was really battling to make an arbitrary point before stopping. This is also good. By saying at 20 minutes ‘keep going fat lad’ and pushing it really hard for the last 4 or 5 minutes just to keep going, I’m strengthening my legs and my willpower.

This month’s Runner’s World caught my eye. I’ve bought the last two issues but each time I do, and take good stuff from it admittedly, I think I’ll probably not bother with the next one. This month’s was a marathon runner’s special. The first article I flicked to in the shop was a guy who’d run a 3.43 and was asking could he go sub 2.50.

Here, take my money.

Damn you, Runner’s World!

He said he was running 8½ to 9 miles in an hour on his speed training day. My third attempt (with breaks so plenty of room for improvement as I condition my body to the pace) was 8 miles. The thing the expert advised was for him to build in more rest time (oh yeah, I’m all over that shit!) and one proper long run a week. Over 2 hours. Not so much about the pace at that distance, just training your body to keep going.

So tomorrow morning I’m donning my running pack and doing a 20 miler. Then, if I’m up to it, speed work with my running club at the night. We’ll see.


Didn’t get around to finishing that post on Monday, it’s now Saturday.

I took their advice and slapped in a (lamentably slow) 22 mile run. It was beastly. I put on my pack with two full water bottles and set off to Frodsham. As I’d done my new PB on the tready the day before my legs were none too cooperative. The first 4 miles I was actually considering sacking it and coming home. Then I thought I’d do it, but was still really pacing myself so I’d have something left for the return run. It wasn’t until I got the psychological boost of the return journey that I started picking up the pace.  100 yards before was slog, as soon as I turned around (with 11 hilly miles still to do) I was fine. All in the head.

Anyway, that knackered me right up. A perfect storm of beastliness. Tired legs, hills, grass and tarmac, being a fat knacker, etc.  I didn’t do the training with my club in the evening.

I didn’t get another run in until I was unexpectedly cancelled from work today. Which is itself troublesome. The coach in Runner’s World who was raving about long runs as part of your marathon training was saying ‘someone who only runs 90 miles a week but does two long runs will be better than someone who runs 120 but only does one long run’.  Errr,…. ‘only’ 90 miles? I’m lucky if I manage 30! OK, that’s going to increase quite a bit with the addition of the long run(s), but still.

Oh, and troublesome that this close to xmas they are cancelling shifts. They should be running flat out now, what is it going to be like afterwards?

Anyway, I did my run. My new warm up is 5 minutes at a slow jog, then 4 minutes at 6m/m. This shows my legs and lungs how cushy they are getting it when I switch to 6.45 m/m pace. Then a few minutes rest, then set off at race pace.

I was going strong. So strong I was checking I was at the right speed. My last run I managed 4 miles (dying after 3 but determined). This time I was still going strong at 4 miles, breathing OK, legs coping. I pushed on.

I set a new PB at 30 minutes, then 40! By this time it was starting to come apart. I was suffering, and I kept losing my breathing. I determined to make it to 45 minutes. It was bad but no worse. I went for 50 minutes. A song came on that was just the right tempo so I put it on repeat, gritted my teeth and ran the full hour!

So chuffed!

The long run is now a welcome training aid. Before I was chipping away at my goal, now I am all over it’s arse! For the first half hour I thought I might be able to just keep on going at that pace. 13 miles, maybe even the full marathon. Obviously I couldn’t, but even when it got tough I managed 20 minutes more. That’s after one long run.  Bring it on!

Bugger. After all that enthusing I suddenly crashed. No energy left.

I’ll do another post with just of Twitter.

Sorry for luring you in under false pretences.



Cancel last.

You might not have been able to see those link/ adverts, I can’t see them now. Turns out is was malware on my computer, not on the blog itself. Apparently the free version of Avira antivirus doesn’t protect against malware. It does a sterling, and I repeat, free job on viruses, as the name suggests, but you either have to pay for the pro or get other malware protection.

Anyway, all sorted now. I think. You can stand down from blog defcon one.