Month: February 2014

I ain’t nothing but tired.

Bruce Springsteen quote there, in case you were wondering. Sadly it’s very apt. That is all I am. I had one day where I slept well during the day and I thought I’d started to adjust, but no. It’s 4 hours sleep, then wake up, sleep, wake up. I’m getting between 5½- 7 hours a day. Grim. Normally, oddly, I’m not too tired during the night. On Saturday I was snottered though. I got in, had 5 hours sleep, then got up so I would be able to sleep last night. I was awake and feeling goddawful for about 8 hours then gave up and went back to bed. I had 14 hours sleep. Wow. I must have been a bit tired. I’m still tired.

But that is it; my life is just work, try to sleep, get up, sit around bog-eyed, then go to work. And repeat. I’ve had one sax session, one run in the last week. I’m waiting until I adjust, then it will be fine. My shifts are, by lorry driving standards, all early darts. I was hoping for a 50 hour week, (53.45 if you include unpaid breaks) that’s a nice compromise between money and life. My first full week I got 46½ hours, last week 40½. That’s no good to me. We’ll have to see how it goes. On the one hand I’m getting loads of money per hour, but on the other I could be taking home more (by working shitloads more hours) elsewhere. It’s early days yet. I’ll see how it goes. Once the bills are paid (and I’ve adjusted to nights) short shifts could suit me. I reckon, once I’m on pay parity (9 weeks and counting) I would still be taking home £500+ for a crappy 40 hour week.

And I could do stuff.

Such as train.

Or sleep.

Mainly sleep.

At the moment I’m having an ongoing ‘debate’ on Twitter about bloody ignorant cyclists riding in the middle of the road. It’s not going well. For them. Cycle nazis. By far the easiest demographic to wind up. Not that I’m exactly trolling, just not sugar coating it. Bastards.

I did mention in passing that I’m probably not ideal triathlete material; I hate swimming, cyclists infuriate me and I’m shit at it. Whadda ya gonna do?

Anyway, things are degenerating at a predictable rate.

That’s it. All my news. Apart from Wendy having a provisional date for her operation. In May. *epic sigh*

So just to catch up on Twitter then I’m doing some sax-ing.


DMreporter kept us abreast:

POLITICS: Nick, like, totally hates Dave now and, like, wants to be mates with Ed but Ed was all, like, “no way” and called him a “minger.”

ALL IN THIS TOGETHER: The £50bn earmarked for HS2 rail link between the North and the South ‘should just be spent in the South’ say MPs.

SOCHI: “Scotland, go fuck yourselves” – David Bowie updates his message following Britain’s defeat in the curling final.

FORECAST: Spring may have sprung today but tomorrow will be a shower of shit as Britain is broken because of immigrants and scroungers.

(And DMsimplified: )



In Politics/ Tory scum we had:

2012: average earnings shrank 4.4%. Incomes of FTSE 100 directors rose 49% #BenefitsBritain

Vote #TUSC, raise minimum wage most of benefit issue would be solved, only 3% goes to unemployed #BenefitsBritain

Child benefits cuts call from Tory MP who claims expenses to heat stables at his mansion

Nigel Farage tree:

For those still not sure, here’s a handy cut-out-and-keep "Money No Object" guide from the government.

Funny how all these writers. pundits and TV people think Gove is the best Tory and doing a great job but send their kids to private schools

Let’s have a tax on the phrase ‘hardworking families’. We’ll clear the defecit at a stroke.

Poor David Cameron. As a child he pulled the face of a smug bastard with a huge sense of entitlement, just as the wind changed direction.

So. #Cameron and #IDS are on a "moral mission." As were Hitler and Dr. Goebbels. #ArbeitMachtFrei

Tories say people use food banks, not through need but because they’re there. Likewise people only have house fires because we have firemen.

#ConfessYourUnpopularOpinion my liberal view says I should respect the opinions of the right… But fuck the horrible bastards

#DunnTrial List of white kids killed for listening to rap music:


We are after bringing democracy to the democratically elected government of Ukraine. These gas pipelines are a total coincidence:

prison torture and drone murder is one thing. but Obama Denounces “Unacceptable Violence” in Venezuela

(Again, pure coincidence they have more oil than Saudi Arabia.)

SCOTLAND: You have the chance to rid yourselves of this filth. FOREVER!


And as ever, the best bit is General:

Clarence House been working overtime to stop this image going social media to tabloids they failed Royal Hypocrisy

just listening to some house…

Next week on Channel 5, the causes of World War I, debated by Samantha Brick, H out of Steps, Noel Edmonds and Cat Bin Lady.


Can we have a vote on Northern Independence please? The south is just a drain on us these days. #TheNorth

Apparently this is what happens if you wear trainers instead of motorbike boots. *buys 10 pairs of boots*

Pam posted that on Facebook. I may never sleep again. *voms*


Found a ‘phone, texted a moron:

Re-tweet this if – when you heard an 8th banker jumped off a building – your first reaction was – who gives a shit?

Only in Wales…

"That thing you just said is misogynistic" "but I’m not a misogynist" Wow, then you must be even more shocked than I am.

You got to be kidding.

Here’s a priceless Vincent (LE)GOgh self-portrait

We are not born racist

Pessimistic printer is pessimistic

Best. Selfie. Ever!

This guy obviously doesn’t have a Twitter account and neither does his tattooist…

Genius Girl Scout sells hundreds of cookies outside medical marijuana clinc:

ODDS: Crucifixion 2/1 RT @BBCNews: EastEnders character Lucy Beale will be killed off this Easter, BBC confirms (to which someone replied “that’s silly. She’s killed and eaten by a giant rabbit.)

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

How to completely fuck someone off with just a single pound coin.


Dave the rave just picked his motor up from the local multistorey

David Kingham’s image of a Perseid Meteor Shower over a mountain range

I particularly want to hear from anyone who, as a result of faith healing, has had a limb grow back. @lbc or 0845 6060 973

Don’t say "I was beaten up because I’m gay". Say "I was beaten up because someone is homophobic." Put the blame where it should be – on them

Lazer Bike Helmets advert:

TweetsOfGod informed us: I created the whole universe just for humanity. The other million billion billion stars were just shits and giggles.

And to think, by the time Mozart was my age he hadn’t done a single good tweet

That awkward moment when a Florida man accidentally shoots himself leaving gun safety class

current mood:

Hey, folks tweeting about eating disorders? Yeah, I know it’s important. I also know that the abbrv "ED" is for "erectile dysfunction."

Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for life. Give him someone else’s fish and he’ll vote for you.




And on that grumpy cat note,



It seems to be working.

I applied for this new driving job because Hermes has let me down and the tax man had just robbed us blind so we needed cash. I’m really glad I did. The job is a doddle and it’s loads of dosh. So far I’ve not had a single thing said to me. No-one on my back, no frantic ‘phone calls, nothing. They are so relaxed that yesterday, after I’d been off all day, I was about to leave the yard in my truck when I noticed I still had the truck keys from the night before. No-one had said anything. I drove around and handed them in, the guy said “Oh, yes. I was going to ask you about them.”

Anyway, it’s all good. Apart from the fact that it’s the whole of my life at the minute. I’m either working, asleep, or bog-eyed, wishing I was asleep. That should change when I adjust to sleeping in the day. At the moment I ain’t nothing but tired, to borrow from Mr Springsteen.

Still, it’s what I signed up for, and it’s better than what I expected. The first week was 4 days working and the 4½ hour induction. Which is to say, 4½ hours day rate, 3 shifts Mon-Fri night rate, and 1 shift Saturday night rate. 38 hours in total. Friday was the test of my snake-oil charlatan accountants. They came through.  I earned £486.23 , paid the accountants £23.28, paid my N.I., PAYE, and Corporation tax and still came out with £426.10

Gotta love the slimy weasels.

I did some working out (but got the pay rates wrong) and thought that would put me on about £40k (for 48 weeks, 48 hours per week) it’s actually £33.5k. Bah. Penury. The thing to remember though is that when I was busting my balls in de-kit, or freezing my arse off order picking in –28C, I was on £18.2K, taking home £290 per week.When I get to the proper pay rate (another 10 weeks) I’ll be taking home about £631 per week. It’s not a direct comparison as I’m doing another day’s worth of hours nowadays, but on the other hand my old job was so hard I didn’t have it in me to do any extra hours. Also, I’m assuming that as weekly pay, but if I take 4 weeks holiday a year (no pay) then it averages at about £583 per week. 

Anyway, that’s all back-of-fag-packet calculations based on one week’s pay. Guideline at best. My point is; I spent all that money and went through the ordeal of lessons, tests, and the horror of gaining experience for a better paid, easier job. I’ve finally got it.

By this time next year we should be minted.

We’ve got that piss-take tax bill to pay off, then another £1,500 to pay the tax man in June or July, but that is actually forced savings. I was only self-employed for 8 months last year, I’ll have paid £3k towards the next bill, but a full year was only £2k. After that there will be no future tax bills, the £23 a week to the accountants covers all my running cost, book keeping and end of year accounting. Sweet!

So, there’s gold in them there hills. I can’t wait for us to be straight. We went from just about getting straight to nearly £6k of debt within a month. Not good when I was getting no work at all. I’ve not told Heads or Hermes that I’m no longer available, it’s still only the 11 shifts worked and 3 others offered since 24th of December.

Lying. Bastards.

Unfortunately, as I said, it means I have no life. I’m just tired. I’ve had one run and several sax sessions, but I’m fit for shit the whole time. I can’t wait to adjust so I can train properly again.

In the meantime, nothing really to say. Though I am window shopping Harleys again for when all this dosh is going into credit instead of paying off debt. Hehe. Wendy not pleased.


We still haven’t got a date for Wendy’s operation, which is mighty disappointing.


So, lacking news, I’ll just fill you in on the wonderful world of Twitter.


DMreporter had:

TRAGIC: Thames overflows, flooding a collection of houses worth more than the foreign aid budget.

GOD’S BISEXUAL FURY: Sinkhole opens up beneath Hemel Hempstead; home of the roundabout ‘where you can go both ways.’

SHOCKING: Miley Cyrus fist-fucks a disabled black dwarf in a Nazi uniform whilst injecting heroin into cancer-ridden puppies. Pictures.

SOCHI: Lizzy Yarnold wins Gold for Britain. Reader Dave23 has had a thought about that…

(And new one, DailyMailSimplified)




In Politics/ Tory scum we had;

This is real, you’ll think its a parody but it’s real. It’s crazy but it’s Ukip. This is the real Ukip:

Tory flood strategy: The North hit: "where’s that?" The SW hit: wait 6 wks, then do nowt. Stockbroker belt? troops in, spend, spend spend!

Mr Cameron, do you think that the fact your govt slashed flood-defences by 41% may have contributed to making things worse this year?

PM says "money is no object" in talking about flood crisis. Really? He did not say this when the floods hit Cumbria, or Yorkshire or Wales?

Cameron ending austerity for flood victims("money is no object in this relief effort") is an admission austerity is bad

Money is no object in coalition constituencies and now the floods are approaching London. #DavidCameron

So the #floods reveal Cameron has found the magic money tree…” << It only grows in the home counties though.

Sorry, but I don’t remember those flooded wealthy Tory voters showing much sympathy for the poor forced to use #foodbanks to survive. #Karma

Can’t afford to heat your home tonight on your zero hour contract wage? Remember we are a wealthy country where #MoneyIsNoObject!

Blah blah "there is no money left" blah blah "tough choices". Oh, we’ve just found £2.5bn for some new fighter jets

@David_Cameron at this stage, I wouldn’t be surprised if you proposed using disabled people as sandbags in Tory shires #2birds1stone

Not heard any talk of "managed decline" now shit is happening Darn Sarf. #floods

"Money is no object. We are a rich country" yet 20-55% of people with #disability will lose benefits by 2015. #HypocrisyIsTheGreatestLuxury

"Money is no object. We are a rich country." Proof positive that #austerity is ideologically driven class war. AUSTERITY IS A LIE! #floods

Cameron says that money is no object. Spot the millionaire.

In this last year the Govt spent £120million less on flood defence spending than Labour did in their last year. #MoneyNoObject

North West bashed by storms. Somehow, I doubt if Cameron will tell the people there that money is no object.

Tory MP Kris Hopkins says disabled people hit by bedroom tax need to change their ways <disgraceful

When will we have a PM say ‘Money no object’ for poor, sick and disabled? ‘No one will go hungry, homeless or without medications’

Vote Tory? Been Flooded? Want state assistance? – Remember, people also don’t ask to be disabled or unemployed. #SauceForTheGoose

Joy. Cameron’s doing the macho COBRA thing. How’s about that "green crap", Dave? Or the money you cut from flood defences? #pissup #brewery



And the bestest bit, General:


Limericks fit in a tweet

If carefully crafted and neat

But please make them rhyme

In strict rhythmic time

And never leave one incomple

"the internet allows us to be whoever we want to be. How interesting that so many of us choose to be assholes"

Now you don’t have to travel all the way to Cornwall for waterfront property.

Taking the Lotus to Somerset


Feeling obliged to say "oh he’s alright" while your friend’s dog chews through your arm

This remains the best example of a man’s attempt to take a photo of his girlfriend and a hedgehog imaginable

Not sure how to break the news to this person…


"Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion" ~Gen Norman Schwartzkopf

"The problem with the French economy is that they have no word in their vocabulary for entrepreneur" ~Pres George W Bush

Probably the worst way to die…

Can’t say it too many times: THANK YOU Ed #Snowden! #StopTheNSA


House buying? Possible red flags: 1. Seller only answers questions through interpretive dance 2. Sinister cat nearby 3. Carrots on the roof

AVOID overblown similes as the proud rain avoids the vehement mountain

Elayne Boosler: The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn’t have that rule when Jesus was born.


I don’t even need to click the link. "Daily Mail’s petition." No, I’m fucking not signing it, and yes, actually, you are a fascist.

Whilst I don’t actually read the Daily Mail, some of my best friends are knee-jerk, reactionary, paedophile-enabling, fascist fuckwits.


Fox News shows it’s diversity.

something big just blew past my window in Manchester. I think it was Liverpool. #UKStorm

This wind is causing some horrific accidents, just seen this on Bradwell Lane…

I’m not one for personal mottos, but if I had one, it would be: "Fucking people need to leave me the fuck alone."

Can’t remember how many days we are into @dailyexpressuk ‘100-days of snow’ now?

Did we have a One Show special when Cumbria was flooded – did we bollocks.

Bank of England new forward guidance "Interest rates won’t rise until all unicorns are liberated from North Korea" Hedging bets.

Middle class graffiti is brutal

(apparently that was from an Irish flood, not the current one, but it’s a hell of a picture.)

.Pakistani drone victim, who has sought to hold CIA accountable, kidnapped & disappeared

We have a situation


IF The Proclaimers won’t leave you alone simply move 1001 miles away from them and relax.

PARENTS. Avoid the penalty of enjoying smoking in the car by securing your children to the roof rack.

VISA. Save time by not printing the help line for stolen or lost credit cards on my stolen or lost credit card.

HMS Tireless helping with flood relief in Devon. Probably.

Went to take the rubbish out and neighbour’s cat came flying through the door. I did throw the bags of rubbish in the air and scream

Autocorrect reached new lows by changing the word "some" to "spleen". Just sent an email to an actress, titled "spleen pics from yesterday"

Some of you have sent me this potato, saying it looks like Benedict Cumberbatch

Whenever someone types ‘PMSL’, I always reply ‘MIOWYTT’, which is the acronym for "’Myself’ is one word,you thundering twatwazzock."

If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember that nobody loves you on any other day of the year either.


A woman attempting to take a picture at a hockey game in Sochi today. This may be one of my favorite pics ever.

Based on the untold true story is just another way of saying we made this bollocks up

Draw a Panda in 4 simple steps

*black people w/ guns* =thugs! *arab people w/ guns*=terrorists! *white people w/ guns* =well you know, that’s our 2 amendment right. so…

Gays should have equal rights in Russia, says America, where you can legally go hunting for black kids. #DunnTrial

Here’s a pic of my thug brother. What gang is he in, you ask? The U.S. Air Force

Fact: 96% of all Internet searches in Britain end with ‘please’.

I am so hungry I could eat a cow sandwiched between two bread vans. With chips.

Which neatly ties in with my final thought:



It’s a go-er.

First week at the new job done and dusted.

There have been some minor moments, mostly with me getting lost and them not providing addresses, but all in all it’s been a good week. I got paid for my induction on Monday, I was off Tuesday while the not-very-good guy at the agency faffed about, Wednesday someone else took over and I’ve worked Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. There is no work tonight (Sunday), which they texted me to tell me.

So plenty of good here. They text you to tell you if you are in or if you are not (loads better than most, who’ll ring you and say “Get in in 10 minutes” or “Why aren’t you in work? Didn’t you get our telepathic message?”

4 consecutive nights work. So there’s work available.

Good pay rates, which get a lot better in another 11 weeks.

The job is a doddle. They expressly forbid drivers from doing blind side reverses. Woo-hoo! All their yards then are big enough that you can spin around and reverse in on the drivers side. Easy life.

They put out big bins of free packets crisps for the drivers. Crisps give me heartburn, so not much use, but a nice thought.

And amazingly, they actually care about the drivers! Most firms treat drivers as a necessary evil, like customers in shops except they don’t have to be nice to them. Here they ring you up and tell you that it’s snowing so slow down, pull over and wait it out if you feel you have to. *gobsmacked*


The bad points are; nights are never great and the shifts haven’t been that long. A smidge over 8 hours per shift this week (after taking off the 45 minutes a day unpaid break.) You expect a 10 hour day average at least.

To be honest, apart from the relatively short shifts, it’s a great job. I am grateful for Hermes dropping me in the shit. Had it not have been desperate times I wouldn’t have applied for this after reading about it online. The assessment (‘harder than your driving test’) and their health and safety mania would have put me off. I was forced into applying but I’m so glad I did.

If it works out as it seems to be, I reckon this could be my job for life.

I have filled in my agency timesheet and my accountant’s expenses form. I just need an address for the former and one thing clarifying for the latter then I’m set up. Once you’ve done it once and know what you’re doing it’s easy. I hope.

Next week we’ll see how this actually translates into money in the bank.

Hermes don’t know I’ve got another job, but so far I’ve had those 11 days work, an offer of one shift and enquiries as to whether I’d be available on two Sundays. So potentially 14 days work since the 24th of December.  “We never have a slack period.” My arse!

I’m adjusting to nights again so I’ve not done anything except work, try to sleep, and sit around bog-eyed. Today, as soon as I got the text telling me there’s no work tonight I got up. I’ve managed to have an hour on the sax, do the weekly shop, and catch up on my blog.

Tomorrow I must get back to the running.

I don’t know at the moment how I’m going to fit training and sax-ing in around nights.  Also my Twitter time is suffering. All the UK people are safely abed when I have a free minute. Bah.


Wendy is still waiting for her surgery appointment. Bugger. I thought it would be hot on the heels of the pre-op. Wendy will be doubly glad to get back to work, poor sausage has to creep around with ninja stealth and contain the cat all day while I sleep.


Scratching my head here, but I think that is all of my news. Work. Nights. Sleep a bit. That’s been my life this week. 


I’ll finish off, as is traditional, with Twitter. Make the most of it, I may not have much in future.


In Politics/ Tory scum we had:

Let me check this; Tories want a 50% vote before they ‘allow’ a one day strike, but law & order 365 days is run by a PCC with 7% vote. OK.

Why do media let Boris claim 70% of tube workers did not vote for strike? Using that logic, 76.5% of electorate did not vote for Cameron

Tory quote "Is Bob Crow still enjoying that council house, desperately needed for a poorer family?" Dunno. Is the Queen still enjoying hers?

Problem is Dave, plenty of us English folk want Scotland to get the fuck out while they have the chance! SAVE YOURSELF SCOTLAND! GO GO GO!

Somerset Levels flooding caused by water left behind by Labour, says David Cameron

Stand back in amusement and awe at the brilliance of UKIP (warning: you may die laughing)



And lovely, lovely General:

Conditions @ Porthleven today as the shipping forecast said "phenomenal"

“Sure, Tintin was pretty racist but it was just a product of its time!”

Platform staff at London Bridge: "Please make use of all 20 doors when boarding the train." A challenge in a 60sec stop, but I’ll try.


(Sochi Winter Olympics had Twitter buzzing with the anti-gay stance of Putin.)

The whole Olympic opening ceremony is going to be Vladimir Putin running around strangling stray dogs with barbed wire.

Speaking of the Olympics: As a reminder, the last terrorist to attack the Olympics was an American who was opposed to abortion.

This is a must watch:


Saudi female college student dies of heart attack after male paramedics were banned from entering all-women campus

I don’t really believe in God, although I think lots of the Bible probably did happen. For example Moses’s burning bush was actually thrush.

(Spoof UK JobCentre account had) Our long term economic plan focuses on reducing unemployment by the easiest means possible. At the moment that’s starvation.

Plod gets jailed for one year for lying over ‘plebgate’ but nobody is even reprimanded over Mark Duggan shooting.Wrong values.

I call a spade a spade. But I call a fork an ’emu stabber’, a trowel ‘Mr Baby Spadaroo’ and a lawnmower ‘DANGER IN GREEN, THE HORROR’.

(A picture from the Mars rover) Look Back in Wonder… My 1st picture of Earth from the surface of Mars

What Disney teaches girls…

And there STILL hasn’t been snow this Winter in London. Outrageous when London contributes 156% of global GDP and 94% of self-importance

Art by Neil Simone

(Take your time and enjoy that.)

Breaking News : ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.

In the Bahamas you can take a leisurely underwater ride in a sub.

Great to see Shakira and Rihanna lezzing it up in their new song. Can’t wait to see Jay Z & Kanye dry humping to shift more units.

Home Office minister employing your cleaner illegally?

Bad day at the office:

(Clean underpants. STAT!)


What even @innocentdrinks ? They’ve never done anything.

And on that kitten-less bombshell,