Nothing to see here.

Really. Basically this is to update you on Twitter.

Work has suddenly turned around. After me bitching it was a great job but not enough hours suddenly last week I was blitzed. I got 6 shifts and 58 hours pay. This job is definitely a keeper. It’s only 4 weeks until I’m on pay parity which would have had me taking home £773 for last week. As it is I’m not complaining about £617.

I don’t have a life, all I do is try to sleep and work, but with Wendy running out of (a very generous, 6 months) sick pay and our debts (from the bastard tax man and car) to clear, but pronto, that is all for the good.

Besides, get the debts paid off (£1,500 paid off in 6 weeks, Wendy on half pay not withstanding!) and then we can get me a Harley. I’ll still not have a life, but then I’ll have a Harley so won’t mind.

Wendy is going stir crazy. She’s been stuck in the house, on her own with no one to talk to, and now can’t make any noise all day as I’m asleep. She’s too weak to go out and do anything and daren’t eat any more than the bare minimum to keep her alive. She’s a shadow of her former self. She was dieting before all this bollocks, (rapid weight loss being a trigger for the condition, ironically) but now she simply daren’t eat. Still another 2 months before her pencilled-in, ballpark, estimate for an operation date. So not great.

 

All my sporting plans for the year are in ashes and ruins. Until I can adjust and get some decent sleep I am in no condition to do anything. I was reading something recently that explained that getting 3 or 4 hours, getting up as you can’t sleep, then having a few hours later before work is no good. You need a long sleep to go through the different sleep stages to get refreshed. I’ve had a few good days, but usually it’s degrees of bad.

From tomorrow it’s about to get a whole lot worse. Wendy’s mam and dad are here from Spain for a fortnight. They are a bit deaf, so pretty LOUD. Oh dear oh dear.

Anyway, nothing happening. Work, dream of sleep and work.

 

So to Twitter;

The DMreporter had:

MYSTERY: Was flight MH370 hijacked by a foreign, benefit claiming nurse on the way to a climate change event? Help us out here.

EXCLUSIVE: We character assassinate Prince Harry’s girlfriend because her failure to get engaged on our timetable is messing up ad sales.

This week’s Daily Mail Cancer List: Mo) Swiss roll Tu) Baldness We) Attics Th) Cocktails Fr) Disco music Sa) Denmark Su) Non-Christian gods

GEORGE OSBORNE: "The middle classes like the 40p tax rate; it makes them feel like big men with a strong seed in the belly of their woman."

 

 

 

MailSimplified added:

TEEN MOTHER BEHIND THE SELFIE CRAZE. WE ARE IN TWO MINDS HERE. CHARITY – GOOD. TEENAGE MOTHERS – EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH BRITAIN.

 

In Politics/ Tory scum we had:

So deeply saddened at the news of Tony Benn’s passing. A true socialist & a politician who’s only vested interest was other people’s welfare

"There is no difference between a suicide bomber or a stealth bomber. They both kill innocent people for political reasons" #TonyBenn

 

Nurses. Avoid a disappointing 0 to 1% pay rise in future by calling your hospitals "banks" and your patients "hedge funds".

Hunt urges nurses not to strike and says the country can’t afford to give them a pay rise and also cut taxes for millionaires.#torypriorites

Can’t afford to pay nurses a cost-of-living increase ‘cos austerity. But if you’re a Tory banker with a soggy carpet "money is no object."

Just heard a so called expert say EU should protect the border between Slovenia and Ukraine which will be tough because they have no border.

First point of order, Slovenia to invade Hungary do they share a border with Ukraine. Second, defend Slovenian/ Ukrainian border. Questions?

Looks like we’ve noticed that polls held under military occupation tend to be distorted. Well, under military occupation by not-us, anyway.

Unlike the Iraq vote where only areas under American control were allowed to vote. #democracy

Remember though, it’s not a junta in Egypt. It’s a "military-backed interim government".

The West threatens Putin with sanctions. They refuse to rule out use of the naughty step.

William Hague still has the option of fixing Putin with a cold hard Paddington Bear stare.

All in it together:

USA – 62% of all bankruptcies (900,000/year) are due to medical expenses & 78% of had insurance (inadequate policies)

Courts declare Cameron’s attempt to close Lewisham Hospital illegal. He changes law so he can close any hospital. This is not democracy.

George Osbourne has put ‘savers’ at the heart of his budget. Or in common parlance, rich fuckers.

 

Actual tory poster:

Riposte:

Breaking… Downing St unveils new Tory Party Chairman

The natives of Bingo Bingo Land

I knew if I voted Tory in the early 80s, eventually they would make bingo cheaper. I played the long game.

My gran will have loved today’s bingo tax news. She’s never played but really enjoys being patronised

18:31. Clegg is going through his pre-debate warmup. Farage is running late due to London being a city he no longer recognises. #LBCdebate

Tories killed off a bit more of the NHS:

£100mil to dredge a floodplain in Somerset populated by a few hundred tory voters. If it was in the north the answer would be TOUGH SHIT

 

 

And loveliest of lovely, General:

You’d have thought bacon made from cats would be really popular on the internet, but no – quite the opposite…

Even after all these years, my husband still loves to come home at the end of the day and have a really good chat. It’s a fucking nightmare.

Some google autosuggests:

 

I don’t care if Monet’s blue, it’s Friday I’m in Louvre.

Famous Obama election slogan “Yes We Can” was chosen ahead of “No We Can’t” and “You Don’t Have To Be Crazy To Work Here, But It Helps”.

That moment when you’ve been online for 25 minutes & just realised that #WhiteManMarch is an actual thing, and not a pisstake.

What do we want EVERYTHING When do we want it STILL #WhiteManMarchProtestSigns

BECAUSE ‘WHITE STRAIGHT CISGENDERED UNACCENTED ENGLISH-SPEAKING MAN SULK PARADE’ WAS TOO MANY LETTERS #WhiteManMarchProtestSigns

If Facebook had been designed by English people, it would have had a ‘quite like’ button.

Struggling to think of a context in which the size of Clifford’s erect penis would be relevant. Failing. Now drinking mindbleach from bottle

 

(That is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. From the assumption that a secret evil world dominating cabal would have a twitter account, to thinking illuminati was spelled illuminate, to the polite refutation, to the “oh ok sorry” I’ve been laughing at that for weeks whenever I think about it.)

 

The quote "Here’s lookin’ at you,…..kid" is from what film? The Men Who Stare At Goats. Brilliant.

Prisoners forced to wear horizontal stripes in order to make them feel fat and ruin their self esteem. (1905)

Best ‘Before’ and ‘After’ photos ever:

Politicians discussing global warming. A sculpture in Berlin by Issac Cordal.

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

Can’t be doing with football or footballers, but credit where it’s due:

If Oscar Pistorius is found innocent I don’t think anyone will risk throwing him a suprise party.

REDUCE preparation time when making a spicy vegetable & quinoa laksa by simply buying a bag of chips & getting over yourself.

£20 fine, bugger that then.

FUN FACT: If you play every Beatles song backwards, you can hear the sound of your girlfriend closing the front door and never coming back.

Just found a new app that that tells you which one of your friends are boring. It’s called Facebook.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

Fun fact: When my kid watches "Terminator" I will have to explain the concept of a phonebook, but not an autonomous robot killing machine.

Q: How many MPs does it take to change a lightbulb? A: The real issue here is the failure of the opposition to offer a choice of lighting

"Here kitty kitty.." 🙂 Animal Rescue in extreme:CDN LYNX! Check out nature’s gift; huge "snow shoe" paws!

Maths is not @FoxNews strong point

Only he who has walked through the deepest valley knows how other valleys of lesser depth are relatively more walk-throughable, valley-wise.

When I was 14, I asked my dad why Amish people weren’t afraid of blk people like other white people. He said, "They don’t watch TV."

Very British Problems had: Describing the worst possible situation as "hardly ideal"

See, what you’ve done here, IKEA, is less describe *these* curtains and more describe the concept of "Curtains":

Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.

My postman is inexplicably wearing a fez.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it…””

When asked for her thoughts on the most beautiful words in the English language, Dorothy Parker said she liked ‘cheque’ and ‘enclosed’.

Well played lamp designer well played.

Kermit should have known not to interfere in the Scottish referendum

 

Delays on the Circle line due to an ‘inconceivable’ signal failure at Paddington. We do not think that word means what they think it means.

I’m *so* glad that earlier my 9yro son chose a crowded swimming pool changing room to ask me what a willycopter is. *swigs gin*

#dragonsden pitch: 1 Build windfarm 2 Call it "Churchill’s" 3 Sow the wind 4 Reap the whirlwind 5 Retire 10% £1 million. #foolproof

If you don’t want to read my blog on etiquette and manners, you can go and fuck yourself.

Nothing says "invest in canned food & shotguns" to a people quite like news that they’ve been handed a bajillion-dollar IMF loan.

Whoever said "words can’t express how helpful the creative writing workshop was" maybe didn’t do as well as they thought…

Enterprising:

There is no aspect of climate change that isn’t ultimately reversible, as soon as you’re all dead.

Welp, that is Karen Gillan on a hoverboard with a Delorean alright.

NEWS! Legalisation of same-sex marriage will turn UK into one big sweaty bumchain, warn traditionalists

NEWS! Church says ‘told you so’ as all marriages collapse #Gaymarriage

Bugger. You know what they say; marry in haste, repent at leisure. Now I can’t get gay married and be down with the cool kids. *sad face*

BBC still banging on that 1/5 wouldn’t go to a same-sex wedding. Look, I wouldn’t go to a cricket match, it doesn’t make it WRONG. Shut up.

Passed a field of pigs. Each had built itself an Anderson shelter. Stupid pigs, don’t realise the war is over

*that’s* the car I want, please.

Facebook:

On today’s #BBCTBQ ‘Are the end times imminent?’ Next week: ‘Are Sauron’s forces gathering in Mordor?’

2-tier justice in America: Heir to DuPont fortune rapes his 3yr old daughter & judge refuses to sentence him 2 prison http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/03/30/judge-probation-for-du-pont-heir-in-dghter-rpe-because-he-would-not-fare-well-in-prison/ …

DON’T START A TWEET THAT WAY. RT @NBCNews: Just In: Air Force fires nine nuclear missile commanders over two-year cheating scandal

Just got an email from someone calling me a "Christianophobe" and a "supporter of Al Qaeda" which ended… "best regards". Huh?

And finally, baby hamster:

And on that furry cute bombshell,

later.

Buck.