Archive for May, 2014

Ups and downs.

Wendy is on the mend! Yay! She had her operation but had unrealistic expectations of how minor it was going to be. The operation itself was around 4 hours long, the woman preceding her took 45 minutes, so it mustn’t have been plain sailing. Then they have to fill you full of gas to inflate the guts so they can make room to move about. Her guts were sticking out a bit and she’d put on 8lbs. Devastated. Then her wounds were a bit manky. Started having green puss and puking up and such. I told her I’d had worse and to stop being a mardarse. She went to the doctors and they said it was “infected” and she needed “antibiotics”. Pah, nanny state. Doctors, what do they know?

Anyway after that she soon started getting better. She’s on her feet now, did the shopping with me today and went to church. Her stomach was hurting a bit afterwards, but not crippling her like last week. She reckons she should be able to go back to work a week on Monday.

This is good as last week I only got two days work.

The two weeks prior I had two good weeks, a four day (with the Bank Holiday, 3 days at £17.52 p/h) and a 5 day. £600 a week take home. Then this. This is the exception, but it’s not good.  I am torn. Is it better to try for a regular job that won’t pay as much (even for a 60 hour week) but will be every week, and have holiday pay?

I’ve seen two jobs advertising for full time drivers lately. Neither particularly good jobs, with only OK money (compared to my current pay rate) but it’s the guaranteed hours that appeal. And a better start time. Long term, if I could get a full time job where I am, this is the job for me. I’ll have to wait and see how much work I get.

 

In other news, my masterplan to get my fitness back is working. I bought new boots for work, new supportive trainers for running, ran every third day to give my legs time to recover and ran off road to stop the stress injuries. It’s all worked swimmingly. By which I mean my legs are still working.

That was two weeks, now I’m trying to move it to running every other day for a few weeks. After that I’m back on for operation #10milesaday.

It’s not all been good. I’ve been wearing a hat to try to heat condition myself. I hate the heat when running, totally kills me. So the sunny weather of late, with a hat, have been tough. Also my fitness is shagged and I’m a porker. The long and short of which being I’ve been struggling on some days just to keep going for 10 miles.

Yesterday it was pissing it down, but it was a run day so I just donned a long sleeve top and set out. I’d forgotten the sun shines on the righteous, by the end of a mile it had stopped raining and I was dying from the heat again. *sigh*

As it was so sodden I did the 10 miles on my road course. Tougher for jarring on the legs (I could feel that pulling down the side of my shin again) but faster. By the sixth mile I realised I was still going faster than my first mile pace off road. And I had more in the tank. I pushed on a bit and did the last 4 miles at 7.45 (ish) m/m pace. That was stunning. By my shockingly bad recent standards. I’ve been dropping below 9m/m and only stubbornness has kept me going at all. As I say, it was my road course, which is apparently faster, but I knocked 15 minutes off my last run!

Not the same thing, but I don’t care, I’m taking it.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s run now. Going to smash it.

It’s sad that I should be so pleased with a 7.59 m/m pace over 10 miles. 8 m/m used to be my plodding pace, the one to which I reverted when I was too knackered to keep up a good pace or was going long. Still, I am where I am, and that is a good time for me at the moment.

 

Enough of my witterings, on to the whacky world of Twitter.

The DMreporter kicks us off as usual:

ALL GROWN UP: Teenage starlet flaunts her ample cleavage in sexy long lens beach snaps. More on this story as she develops.

HEALTH: Useless, lazy, privileged, morally bankrupt, lying idiot Chris Patten resigns as chairman of BBC Trust. We wish him well,

SCANDAL: “Lego has been halal since 2003” admits beleaguered toy company.

SCANDAL: Is your dishwasher halal? How about your curtains? Maybe the garage? We sensationally reveal the secret Muslim items in YOUR home.

HEALTH: Muslim couple spotted praying near Ladybower reservoir “may have accidentally turned Yorkshire’s water supply halal” warn experts.

RICHARD AND JUDY’S SUICIDE CLUB: Channel 4 to broadcast couple’s grizzly final act for one-off special.

EXPOSED: How the Post Office has forms that can help immigrants claim benefits, get a replacement drivers licence or apply for a mortgage.

POLITICS: Jimmy Savile, Max Clifford and Stuart Hall all famously voted Labour. We ask – ‘are all Labour supporters paedo nonce scum?’

 

 

Then the boo-hiss world of Politics/ Tory scum (now with added UKIP, as brought to you by the BBC):

Maybe UKIP wouldn’t be so eager to turn the clock back if they knew that the past is a foreign country.

Embedded image permalink

Don’t vote UKIP. Make the same political statement more powerfully by dressing as a lobster and defiantly nailing your head to the floor.

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

Driver fatigue warnings updated after Nigel Farage blames his comments about Romanians on tiredness

Embedded image permalink

 

I can’t believe the Tories are ahead in the polls. It would take the Beeb consistently failing to mention the NHS privatisation or something

Embedded image permalink

KIP up 80. Fascist knee jerk racists up 80 seats? Where did they get the votes? Tories down 77 seats. Utter coincidence.

Looks like the only place where UKIP have managed to take overall control is the BBC #Vote2014

Embedded image permalink

Just to recap, the demoralised, demolished, annihilated Lib Dems have ten times as many council seats in London as surging, robust UKIP

Embedded image permalink

 

 

And my favest, General:

My cat is sad at the way the monarchy has been subsumed into British celebrity culture

Embedded image permalink

 

Shrimp is referred to as an abomination 4times more than homosexuality in the bible…

I had to do real life….I saw things twitter…TERRIBLE THINGS!! I have children..who knew?

This is why I don’t like Bear Grylls. Poor koalas.

Embedded image permalink

For anyone who thinks cats don’t have a natural instinct for irony.

Embedded image permalink

That awkward moment between birth and death.

I said "shit" and Tallis said "Only people over 18 are allowed to use that word. How old are you?" Bless his tiny fascist heart.

I like my women like I like my coffee: completely ignoring me while I make ridiculous analogies.

Embedded image permalink

Had a bit of a laugh with some feminist chums after I posted them this with the message “That’s yous told”

Embedded image permalink

Oh it’s such a hard life for the man lion trying to keep his lady !

Me: It’s my new philosophy: you’re grafting in case I need to fight a lion.

Incurablehippie: You do realise, though, that if a lion arrives you’re fucked?

Me:A slight flaw in my master plan. Remind me not to move to Africa.

Inc: Or any closer to a safari park.

Lorriehearts: Knowsley tweet-up, anyone?

Inc: It’s many, many years since I’ve been to Knowsley Safari Park. I’m in.

Lor: If the lions don’t have him, the baboons will. Big buggers, them.

Inc: You in, Bucky? Twitter trip to see the lions? I mean… wildlife.

Me: Bring them on! *gonna need a bigger gun*

Inc :And we won’t insult your masculinity by doing anything to help ourselves

Lor: I’m gonna drape myself in lamb chops just to underline the point.

 

I expect the Sun and Daily Mail will be attacking Kosher meat any second… Any second…. Oh. Just Islam then?

Hmm 666 6+6+6=18 18…. Obama was once 18… Very scary not sure what this information means brought to you by Fox News.

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

 

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

 

1: Connect sewing machine to polygraph test 2: Lie repeatedly 3: Describe new jumper as a fabric of lies 4: Laugh forever

The war in #Afghanistan has cost the British tax[payer about £40,000,000,000 plus nearly 500 deaths…..and all for….er….?

Well, it’s got the opium trade back on it’s feet, turned a generation into UK/US haters *and* empowered murderous warlords. #ftw

David Lunts, GLA ‘The amount spent on housing benefit since 2000 would have funded 1,000,000 new social homes’

Embedded image permalink

I’m sorry to hear that homosexuality makes some older Ukip voters uncomfortable. Maybe they should try a lubricant.

I don’t like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.

American dude on news "America currently has troops deployed in 100 countries." What empire?

The word "potato" is the only word that starts with "p" and ends with "otato"

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

"Just whenever you get a minute" – Translation: "Now"

Things I learned in retail. Always say "Sorry for keeping you waiting", never "Sorry about your wait."

"Ted didn’t often discuss menstruation but when he did, he made sure women knew how they were doing it wrong." http://the-toast.net/2014/05/13/liberal-dude-erotica/ …

Disgraced former police chief gets criminal sentencing delayed for ~7 years to make sure he gets pension http://bit.ly/1lkocEN #PoliceWeek

SAVE valuable seconds by pre-rolling your eyes whenever you read the words “A UKIP spokesman/candidate/councillor said…”

We should change name from "Benefits" to "Essential Support System" maybe then people will understand what/why we have & why people need it

Since 1945 the US has tried to oust more than 50 governments. The Pentagon runs "special operations” in 124 countries http://bit.ly/1mVLHpY

Embedded image permalink

As a modern gal on the go, I have a hard time making personal medical choices. That’s why I vote for old white men to do that for me!

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

I have long wondered why ‘Owen Jones’ isn’t invited on to "Have I Got News for You?" With his famed sense of humour and ready sense of fun.

A glorious day. Limitless hope and potential. "I will do great things, today" you say as you approach the tube station. Good luck with that.

I deserve a MUCH greater sense of entitlement than the one I actually have.

Embedded image permalink

Debating whether to open the bus window or just quietly succumb to heatstroke

How Women Should Dress For Their Jobs, According To Stock Photos ow.ly/x1q6c

Bloody foreigners, coming over here wanting to know what love is

Can we stop calling it “the end of entitlement” and call it out for what it is? “The removal of rights”.

angry Romanians with banners denouncing UKIP as Nazis. steel band refusing to play cos of UKIP connection. BIG UP YER CHEST CROYDON MASSIVE.

BIRDS. Stand closer together at dawn. That way you won’t have to fucking shout.

#SeaWorld is so shmaltzy it makes me wanna kick a dolphin.

The Birth Of Eurasia – Russia & China Do Pipelineistan http://tinyurl.com/npygwcl

(Forgot to say, coat finally sorted)

Embedded image permalink

Looks better in the flesh.

#WhyImVotingUkip Its about time we sent the Librarians back to Libraria. You try to speak english to them and its all "Shhhh!"

I saw some dishwashing soap that claimed to kill 99% of bacteria. Now take out bacteria and put in white people. UNACCEPTABLE! #thinkaboutit

#WhyImVotingUKIP – because England should be for the English, like the Royal Family and Mrs Farage. #ohwaittheyreGerman

There’s a party in my pants… Unfortunately it’s UKIP.

The bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range

Please note that if you’ve worked all your life and have recently been made redundant, you are still classed as a lazy scrounger.

#WhyImVotingUkip because Sanjay down the corner shop is charging 25p for Space Raiders when I know they’re only 10p. Robbing bastard

I will never get over the fact that Antarctica is round but only has a north coast.

8 Brilliant Test Answers From Smartass Kids: http://scienceprn.com/test-porn

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

Yet another unrealistic standard of beauty for women.

Embedded image permalink

This lizard looks like he’s just hatched a plan to take over the world

Embedded image permalink

75 year old chap turns 150ft hedge into this:

 

Embedded image permalink

Right, I’m off.

Later,

Buck.

Grip got.

It’s been a hell of a week. Operation #10milesaday has been a killer. It’s shocking how quickly you can go from ‘can I run a fast 20 miles?’ to ‘can I complete 10?’

My first ‘run’ was painful and slow, the second with my GPS watch merely quantified *how* slow by the third I’d buggered my tendon, it was stiff and painful, took me the first mile to loosen it up. It wasn’t enough to stop me so I did a third, while on my diet. I only had 300 calories then set out to expend 1,240. I crashed and burned like the Hindenburg. That was dreadful. Approaching 7 miles I was dying, by 8 I had to stop for a few minutes. I shuffled home in a very sorry state.

Since then I’ve been having 500+ calories before I start. So far, so not too bad.

My tendon has been getting worse, yesterday it was stiff as soon as I got out of bed and took me most of the day to loosen up. I did another run, my fifth, but the injury was worse afterwards so I’m resting it for a day or two.

I went online to work out how many calories I need to eat to lose weight, I worked out my Base Metabolic Rate, timesed it by 1.55 (for regular exercise 4 times a week) which gave me 2,460 calories a day to maintain, therefore I’m trying to eat less than 2,000.

So far I’ve lost 4 pounds in 5 days. I had actually lost that in 2 days, but then inexplicably put a pound back on. Still, as long as it’s moving and I’m not actually starving to death.

The runs have improved in just 5 days. At first every step was torture, now, once my tendon is working, there are miles that are OK, where I can get into the rhythm and more or less forget about it. I was even pushing on a bit on my last run.

In 4 (timed) runs I went from 1.27:47 to 1.23:46, but more importantly in the first run I had two miles over 9 m/m, and 5 others over 8:45 m/m, on the last run only one mile was over 8:30 (an 8:31, dammit!). I would normally be horrified to be posting 8:30’s, but this is now, that was then. Now I have to regroup, accept where I am, and build on it.

I used to consider 8 m/m my all day plodding pace. The default pace I dropped to if I didn’t keep the pressure on or if I was too knackered to push on. *sigh*

The other thing is, as always, my heartbeat. My watch records it and splits the results into zones; 1: Watching Corrie (minor), 2: Bit of an effort (maintaining), 3: Getting a sweat on (improving), 4: Grafting (highly improving) and 5: Taking the piss (overreaching)

All of my training is in zone 5.

I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with information. If I go any slower I’ll stop. I want to go faster. My body will just have to man-up and get over it.

At least this has given me a direction and some mojo again. I was just working and sleeping (and eating) before, now I have stuff to work towards again. I can’t wait for my ankle/ tendon to heal. And to be slim. And fit again.

………..

Week later.

 

I gave it a few days, then did a 10 mile run. My shins were hurting from the off and killing when I stopped. I was really worried I’d given myself shin splints, a cover-all that goes up to and includes stress fractures.

Not a happy bunny. I wanted to get fit, I was getting seriously injured.

I read up on it, they named all the usual suspects; too many miles too soon, running on concrete, knackered/ non supportive trainers, over pronation.

It also occurred to me that as soon as I started using this pair of clunky steel toe cap boots at work it pulled my legs. I was in pain the next day. I thought it was me being a mard arse and I’d get used to it, but they still hurt.

My plan then; new, lighter boots, new trainers, off road running.

I got the boots for a tenner (win!) brand new Steelite boots. That is a brand name that suggests light steel toe caps.

Then I set to trawling the internet for trainers. I always get Asics so that narrowed it down. I’ve learnt to go for width 2E, (wide fitting so the bones in my feet don’t grind, very painful) and this time I wanted maximum over pronation correction as shin splints is worrying.

I was seeing lots of new models that were for ‘neutral to mild over pronation’, all over £100. Then I stumbled across a model of Asics I’d never heard of, 2E, max support, not this year’s model so half price, £57. Epic FTW!

I’d laid off the running out of pure fear of injury while I waited for them to arrive. They got here today and I took a very nervous shuffle out of the front door. I was only going for a test run, of the trainers and my shins, I wasn’t going for a time just letting my legs set the pace. My shins were a bit uncomfortable but they didn’t progress to real pain, and I was comfortably banging out the miles. So much so I carried on and did a 14 mile run, averaging 8.37 a mile.

For me, where I am at the minute, that was bloody ace. The pace was meh, but OK by my current standard, my legs were OK and I was comfortable the whole time at that pace. My standards have dropped so low that I’ve been counting down the miles, in a sorry state, on 10 mile runs lately. Pitiful but there’s no avoiding it. You have to accept where you are and build from there.

If the new boots and trainers, and off road running, will keep me injury free (only one run, but I’m hopeful) then I can really get stuck in. Here’s hoping.

 

Work is a mixed bag. It remains the easiest and best job in the history of driving, and I’ve done my 12 weeks so this week was on pay parity (£13.82 p/h Mon-Fri, £17.52 weekend) and now with added paid breaks! That makes a big difference. It’s 45 minutes a day, but if you have to knock that off your hours it really makes a dent. Being paid for it means hours worked are hours paid.

The down side is getting the work. It’s been 3 days a week for the last 3 weeks. I still have tomorrow for this week, so if I’m in it would be a 4 day week, but no chickens are being counted.

 

The best news we’ve had in ages is Wendy has a date for her gall bladder operation! She’s going in, unless they cancel, next Tuesday, the 6th of May. Huzzah! *throws hat in the air* About bloody time.

So, things are finally happening.

 

On to the good bit of the blog, me stealing other people’s wit from Twitter;

The DMreporter had

A NEW CIVIL WAR? North of England accused of ‘waging war on the population’ after it emerges some still plan to vote Labour.

HYPOCRISY: Socialist Russell Brand lookalike throws money lenders out of the temple despite being showered with gifts from kings as a baby.

INTERNET: How Bitcoin, Facebook and Snapchat helps paedophiles kidnap your children using webcams and QR codes. Or something. Computers bad.

ST. GEORGE’S DAY: Revealed – how the choice of flag at one Wetherspoons PROVES ENGLAND IS RUINED BECAUSE OF POLITICALLY CORRECT IMMIGRANTS.

FEMININISM: Women lured into gambling debt by pictures of kittens and cupcakes. I’m not even making this one up

Embedded image permalink

(Gamble now, bitch! Or the kitten gets it!)

NIGEL FARAGE: “People only think UKIP are racist because they’re looking at what our members say, do and campaign about.”

(And DailyMailSimplified had)

KIM KARDASHIAN LIKES HER WEDDING DRESS. PREPARE TO SEE SO MANY PHOTOS OF IT THAT THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE BECOMES HATEFUL.

 

 

In politics/ Tory scum (now with added UKIP scum) we had:

(Cameron said he was continuing Jesus’ work)

Was it St Paul or St David Jesus sent to Jericho to fight for bankers’ bonuses? #CameronJesus

Strange how coincidences follow Tories around. Thatcher’s PPS, Ian Gow, oversaw the selling-off of council homes His son now owns over 40

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

.@Nigel_Farage employs a German (his wife) as his secretary & insists no British worker could do the job.

Embedded image permalink

Oh what a shock an all white crowd at #ukip meeting in #manchester tonight #racist #middleagedmenwithsmallcocks

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

Is UKIP causing you distress with racist leaflets? Then cause them financial chaos by returning them free of charge.

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

(Scheme to use their freepost)

Embedded image permalink

A corrected UKIP poster:

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

Compulsory abortion for Down’s syndrome foetuses, says UKIP candidate http://www.gravesendreporter.co.uk/news/exclusive_compulsory_abortion_for_down_s_syndrome_foetuses_says_ukip_kent_candidate_1_1745952 …” Nastier & nastier

Protester throws egg at Nigel Farage. Exclusive interview with devastated parents

Embedded image permalink

 

Embedded image permalink

Osborne added £453b to National Debt – £46b more than New Labour and approx £6bn more than all Lab Chancellors comb over the last 90 yrs’

163% increase in foodbank usage since a Tory gov’t………..Excellent

Embedded image permalink

When a Tory is on TV to attack Labour’s rent control plan, the journo MUST ask them if they are a landlord and how many properties they own

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

Even our cat knows not to vote #UKIP

Embedded image permalink

Cat was a bit worried about #ukip leaflet

Embedded image permalink

 

 

And best till last, General:

OK, lycra on. Nipples taped. Bum greased. Ready for a run. Or becoming a Tory MP.

14yo girl trafficked & raped. Daily Mail describes situation as "her short-lived career as a prostitute"

(Sunday Mail sent a reporter in to a food bank to lie about being desperate and conned food out of them)

Charity Gave Help Without Interrogating The Needy, reveals collective of arseholes.

Imagine resenting the fact food banks give out food, rather than the fact they have to exist.

Foodbanks are the poor showing solidarity and freely giving food to the even poorer. Little wonder The Mail despises them.

So the Daily Mail "exposed charity fraud" by defrauding a charity, which is like "investigating domestic violence" by beating your kids.

(DMreporter noted) NO QUESTIONS ASKED: Jewish socialist gives free food to 5,000 – without even checking if they’re poor.

EXCLUSIVE: Our reporter went into a restaurant and ordered a curry when he didn’t really want one. And they brought one over! The waste!

Embedded image permalink

TOMORROW: We prank call the 999 emergency services to expose how much time and money they waste talking to prank calls. Boom! Journalism!

I’ve given this full and careful consideration and have now come to the conclusion that the Daily Mail can just fuck off.

Surely we can report Paul Dacre to the PCC? What? Oh.

Angry at the #mailonsunday for their vile Food Bank cynicism? Then donate to @TrussellTrust. It takes 5 seconds. http://www.trusselltrust.org/easter-appeal

(Which lead to over a 1000% increase in donations http://t.co/bShhMxjiYU. Fuck you, Daily Heil!)

The Daily Mail a Timeline of Shame – Rotten to the core!

Embedded image permalink

 

31% of internet users had their minds blown from unremarkable facts in 2013.

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

Dies Friday. Comes back Sunday. That’s not three days. That’s two. I’m beginning to think this "Bible" might be a bunch of bullshit.

Embedded image permalink

"in apocalyptic films the familiar landmarks are the first to be destroyed; but in post-apocalyptic movies they are all that remains."

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

Partial graphic of US military outposts. Oh, the sorrows of empire

Embedded image permalink

(Remember, Russia has 2 foreign military bases, as does the UK)

IT RUBS THE FREEDOM ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE DRONE AGAIN

Unexplained Intergalactic Radio Bursts Confirmed At Arecibo – http://io9.com/unexplained-intergalactic-radio-bursts-confirmed-at-ari-1565649619 …

Embedded image permalink

You what, Morgan?

Embedded image permalink

Street art by Banksy

Embedded image permalink

(Now that is clever.)

"Do bears shit in the woods?" "Umm, not ALL bears," notes a polar bear, smugly using white privilege to kill a seal.

Existential dating tip: 1. Gaze long into the abyss. 2. The abyss gazes back. 3. Get a room.

Christopher Walken:

Embedded image permalink

Shakespeare invented so many words we take for granted today, like ‘HDMI cable’, ‘Netto’, ‘loyalty card’ and ‘small mouse’.

A friend said their new baby will bring her hubby & her closer. And then we laughed and laughed and laughed.

Hands down the best photo ever taken at a dog show.

Embedded image permalink

#LEO: You lie to a friend today about the cuteness of their ugly, ugly baby.

My cat is sad because he is thinking about British people who use the phrase "do the math"

Embedded image permalink

My cat is sad because he looks at you all, sees the love there that’s sleeping, while his guitar gently weeps.

Embedded image permalink

 

The 9 worst logo design fails ever… http://www.awesome-fun.com/9-worst-logo-design-fails-ever/ … pic.twitter.com/BCuH4lI1GM

Perspective: only 8% of people on benefits have 3+ children. Only 1 in 8 housing benefit recipients are unemployed.

Just try it. I dare you.

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

A man on #c4news has melted by brain by saying: "I’ve lived in Cornwall all my life and it’s different from anywhere else I’ve lived.

After Coulson says he can’t remember whether he read the Milly Dowler story, Andrew Edis QC asks him: "Do you remember editing a newspaper?"

Don’t let anyone call you an underachiever. If they knew you, they’d understand how amazing it is that you’ve managed to achieve anything.

#HipsterBooks I, Ronic

Embedded image permalink

Selfie of radiologists

Embedded image permalink

Dear BMW, I have noticed a serious H&S issue in your cars: no matter how mofo slow they are unable to move out of middle lane. Please adjust

White are countries not invaded by UK. I’ve put Bolivia on my to do list.

Embedded image permalink

This Autistic student deserves an A+.

Embedded image permalink

Lenny Henry in 70s: "Enoch Powell has offered me £1k to go home, which is great because it’s only £10 on the train from here to Birmingham.”

Govt is closing our hospitals everywhere yet happy to spend x zillion pounds of taxpayer money to cut journey time to Birmingham by 30 mins

Just sent this to Nigel Farage What’s black and doesn’t work? Decaf coffee you racist bastards!! I crease myself up sometimes, I really do

Suicide is never the answer. Unless the question is "What’s it called when kill yourself?" Then yes, the answer is Suicide.

To soon FedEx to soon

Embedded image permalink

I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book. Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps

Embedded image permalink

"Twerking" and "selfie" added to the Oxford English Dictionary. "Future" and "Optimism" have been removed.

(VeryBritishProblems noted)

The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

Wow, Gerry Adams. It’s always the ones you least expect, isn’t it? Imagine the neighbours: "He always seemed like such a nice, normal guy".

Columbo has just turned on his heels, pointed his cigar at Gerry Adams and said "Just one more thing…"

Embedded image permalink

Bruno Catalano’s "Disappearing" sculptures are stunning & stop you in their tracks:

Embedded image permalink

Hairdresser: Know what I’d hate? Me: What? Her: Being in a persistent vegetative state. Me: Oh yeah, me too. *stares at self in mirror*

Science Fact…..

Embedded image permalink

"An ennui pie topped with existential angst & a garnish of despair & the futility of existence" "Go home, Heston. You’re drunk" #heston

 

Embedded image permalink

Embedded image permalink

Within the first two months of legal marijuana sales in Colorado, property crimes decreased by 14%, and homicide rates were down by 67%.

 

The moral of the story is that pigs, like humans, would rather be eaten alive by a wolf than deal with estate agents.

"What do we want?" "Less pedants" "When do we want it? "FEWER"

AAARRRGGHHH …. the way my colleague types makes me want to eviscerate him

I want to use a mallet on his twatty fingers

Almost crashed my car watching a man hug a bus stop

 

Embedded image permalink

And on that disturbing note,

toodles.

Buck.