Month: October 2014

eBay giveth and eBay taketh away.

How many times do I have to make the same mistake before I learn?

I was Windows shopping (you see what I did there?) bike paraphernalia as usual when I came across some handsome bike boots. There were a few different styles but after a little digging it turns out they are all (hand) made by the same company in the US, ‘Gasolina’.

I mean, just look at these for boots!

I was wowed by them and immediately started pricing them up. The clue to the price is in the ‘hand made’. £239!


So I did the usual thing; started looking for generic ones, then second hand ones, then searching eBay. eBay suggests other boots so I ended up looking at these, at midnight, and made a snap decision to bid on them.

I had been looking at boots over £200 and there were already about 10 bids on them at about £15. I stupidly put in my maximum bid with days to go. £60.66.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

The seller, I’m assuming, colluded with a mate and pushed it up to the penny of my final bid then no-one bid for days. Then I got them and don’t like them in the flesh.

Gutted and angry with myself.


To redeem myself I was looking at some leather jeans for on the bike, the cheapest new pair I could find were £70. They were the thick leather ones, which I thought I would have been happy with. Then I saw a pair of leather trousers, bit of padding on the knees and stretchy bits built in so you can sit comfortably, again going for about £15, lots of bids. This time I set up bid sniper to put my maximum bid in 5 seconds before it ended. I got them for £27! Woo-hoo!

When I tried them on they are loads better than I could have hoped for. Thick but soft leather, padding around the knees, perfect size and length… chuffed to bits!

They don’t look it but they are ace, especially for the money.

As the motorbike boots didn’t work out for me, and I wasn’t about to spend £239 on a pair of boots, I took to eBay again. I did buy a pair of German army Para boots ages back but they were crap. Wrong size, two big cuts on one of the boots, clarted in dubbin and, I’ve found out now I’ve listed them on eBay, they aren’t even German army para boots, they are Austrian army boots.

Why I didn’t send they back immediately I have no idea. I bought them last year, but I wasn’t drinking or on drugs so why I didn’t send them back with a *CAPS LOCK RAGE* email is beyond me.

Anywho, after a prospective buyer filled me in I made damn sure I knew what I was buying this time. And what a bargain. £40 for grade 1, genuine German army para boots.

I’m ready for Mr Smiths night club!

I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle…

Bad to the bone…

In a way these are negative purchases, I’m buying them hoping not to use them. But if I do go bouncing down the road I’m as safe as I can be. 

Saying that, the boots are really comfy and just make me feel better about myself, I grew up (teens onwards) with boots, it just feels right to be back in them. Trainers are comfy and easy to slip on and off, but boots are boots.

And the trousers will make riding a lot more pleasant even if I don’t crash.

Thing is with this kind of kit, if I don’t destruct test them (in which case they will immediately have proved their worth) once bought it lasts for years and years.

As I said, I listed the crap boots and the bike boots. £10 and £20 respectively, not a sausage. eBay relist it twice more for free, if they don’t sell I’ll wait until spring until all the fair weather bikers come out of the woodwork and try again.

I just want them gone. They are winding me up by reminding me I’ve been had.

In other acquisition-of-worldly-goods-equals-spiritual-fulfilment news, after that Labour guy handing out the leaflet informing us they have sorted out the crap broadband problem in our area I instantly upgraded with BT to Infinity. I’ve gone from nearly 3Mb/s to 77-79Mb/S!


Now I have to decide with which of the insufferable pricks on the BT advert I identify.

Even more spiffy acquisition news, I found out about ‘chromecast’, it’s a £30 dongle that you can slap in the back of your telly and it will stream stuff through/ from your devices (my ‘phone, Wendy’s tablet). The smart telly and DVD are both Sony, but they are a few years old now, the BBCi player no longer supports them. This is a cunning work-around. Go on to BBCi, YouTube, (or any films or shows you’ve downloaded to your device off the internet) press play and bob’s your uncle, they stream off your wifi onto the telly. Also, with out BT package we get free sports channels on the internet (mostly crap, football and such, but they also exclusively cover the MotoGP bike races.) When we got it we couldn’t get it on our telly because we had crap broadband speed so I assumed we’d be able to watch them now we’ve upgraded to cable. Nope, £7 a month subscription for a de-scrambler. To watch one race every few weeks. Screw that. With the new dongle we can stream the internet through the telly, therefore watching internet sports channels (free) on the telly (subscription). #winning

The stuff we watch off the internet we can now view full size on the telly, on our comfy sofa, rather than on office chairs in front of the PC.


In ‘paying-for-all-this-shit’ news, work is coming good. This new gig, now I’m back to being a limited company, it paying well and regularly. I’ve put some hours in the last two weeks but for a 5 and a 6 day week I’ve taken home £537 and £557. This week I barely did any hours, most of my shifts were well within 8 hours, but I get paid 8 hours as a minimum for turning up. I’ll see what a flat week looks like on Friday.

I’ve been there 4 or 5 weeks now, on Friday the main manager took me to one side and said they want to start training me up for store deliveries so I’ll be ideally trained and placed for a (potential) job in January. It’s only a 3 day contract with 2 flexi days. So during the quiet period I might only get the basic 3 days. And it’s less per hour and I’ll be stopped more in N.I. and tax. So less all round. But a real job. With a good company. And holiday and sick pay. And a Next discount card. Meal allowance and uniform.

I’m doing the training and I’ll have a look when the job comes up. At least I’ll be in a position to choose, I can’t if I’m not trained. The guy who was saying about it has been really straight with me so I believe him.

We’ll see.  It would be nice to have the option of a proper job.

Another day, more lack of interest in my boots. Meh.


Anywho, on to fun stuff, the wonderful world of Twitter:


DMreporter had

JUSTICE: Is Ebola the answer to overcrowding in jails? We investigate why political correctness is banning this revolutionary idea.

HEALTH: Ebola checks at Heathrow blasted as ‘a complete joke’ after we photograph several black people who say they weren’t screened.

DEFENDER OF THE UNION: Local man buys field over concerns Muslims could move into village, grow old, die and expect to be buried there.

SHAME: "I’m not a rapist" says Ched Evans, before being read the definition of a rapist and admitting "actually that does sounds familiar."

RIP: Oscar de la Renta dies aged 82, tragically just one day after ‘being alive’ says spokesman.

UKIP CALYPSO: "I’m not racist" insists Mike Read, apologising for the racist song he sang in a racist voice in support of a racist party.


In Politics/ Tory scum we had:

Good luck to all our nurses today having to go out on strike whilst MPs give themselves an 11% payrise

Three years without a pay rise for our NHS staff is unacceptable. Support the #NHSstrike

Can’t afford 1% pay rise over 3 years for #nurses but bankers houses get damp; "we are a rich country, money is no object."

Bloody unions. Bringing the country to its knees with their looking after the sick and changing bedpans and preparing to deal with Ebola.

Cameron: ‘I don’t need lectures from anyone about looking after disabled people’. #PMQs Well the UN Human Rights Commission think you do.

"We cannot have people loafing about, doing nothing, expecting the state to finance their lifestyles." Lord Freud

Only 4% of US drone victims in Pakistan ID’d as Qaeda

Tories considering restricting annual amount of state handouts to any one family to £18k. Apart from one

Spoof David Cameron tweet: I answer only to the people of this country. No, not you. The other people. You know, the ones with the money.

The Child Abuse Inquiry terms of reference have been changed to ignore Jersey. Now why would that be? #pmqs

David Cameron Jeremy Hunt deny/lie NHS is being privatised..Branson Virgin boasting about 230 NHS contracts

A man who stole to eat because he was sanctioned is jailed. Welcome to Cameron’s Britain everyone. …



And finally, lovely, lovely General:

Pup 4 makes me laugh every time!

Very, very frightening..

Putin on the Ritz

Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed

A selfie sweatshirt is literally the best idea since the wearable shark.


A young girl meeting a penguin for the first time.

First world problems in The Cotswolds.

FIND out if your wife knows where the stopcock is by sticking a photo of your toddler’s face to the inside of washing machine.

All my economist training is failing me. Theoretically there is no reason why this car shouldn’t start. I’ve assumed a working engine.

The week in 50 funny tweets: starring Lord Freud, #WaterstonesTexan, The Apprentice and more.

This is how your weather should look right now. If it doesn’t, tell someone who gives a fuck

Getting a spray tan, it’s not gone well.

Don’t forget to check you children’s homework before sending them to school.

REDUCE your stress levels by not really giving a shit about anything.


teacher: are there any classes you are struggling with?

me: the bourgeois

teacher: what

me: what

karl marx: nice


if I wear fitness clothes I will feel like doing fitness things right *proceeds to lay in bed all day in jogging outfit*

Not a single fuck given.

Awesome: "100-Year-Old Math Teacher Still Going Strong at Brooklyn Elementary School"

Maybe not the best idea to wear tan coloured leggings when you pick the kids up from school…

I heart the internet

Elmo what you doing?

Apparently America had some sort of pumpkin parade (of white people) that kicked off. Because they were white Americans it was a boisterous disturbance rather than a thug culture riot. Twitter rose to the event:

If white people continue to glorify pumpkin violence in their culture they deserve the spice-latte thug stereotypes.

Where are the leaders in the white community? They need to speak out #pumpkinfest

How many of the defiant white youth causing mayhem & destruction come from fatherless families? #PumpkinRiot



This is awkward.

Good luck cyclists.

It’s cologne. COLOGNE.

Here is your personal horoscope for today!

Hipster spot: man in street in Shoreditch, eating a bag of Walker’s crisps with chopsticks.

2014 on Track to be Hottest Year in Recorded History …

"I might join you later" Translation: I’m not leaving the house today unless it’s on fire.

We are introducing new, ‘smarter’ ticket machines. Features include: – smartness – tickets – machinery – #boat awareness messages – lasers

Here we have your standard "sympathetic" Cat…

It’s looking as though Oscar Pistorius would have had to serve longer if he’d trolled Reeva Steenkamp.

So Pistorius could be out of prison in just 10 months, still at least the judge is happy!

"There are no #GAY scenes. There are scenes with people in them" ~ #ShondaRhimes



[press conference] "Do you believe that perhaps it was a mistake to cross the road?" *chicken leans into mic* "BOK"

Is it "for fucks’ sake" or "for fuck’s sake"? I don’t want to sake more fucks than I have to.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m very approachable if you’re a stranger who hates my opinions.

Erm, can I possibly see another doctor?

Peppa Pig Jigsaw For Sale – £3.50

The most middle class thing that ever happened

#BBCNews has released a video showing the #OttawaShooting gunman PARKED ILLEGALLY to attack the Parliament. It just gets worse and worse…



I think I’ll book with another airline.

After Disney’s "Princess and the Frog" movie came out, over 50 children were hospitalized with salmonella from kissing frogs.

And finally, and finally…

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy…?




Year of fail.

I’ve dropped out of every marathon this year. I’ve done one poxy half marathon. I’ve been suffering that much on each run lately (and failing dismally) that I was seriously considering quitting altogether.

I’ve been on and off for a week or two now. Dropping out of Chester marathon after that pitiful, failed attempt at a 20 mile run was nearly the final straw. I was thinking of obsessing about the sax for a bit and maybe take up video games. Seriously. I’d actually reasoned it out that I started all this exercise bollocks because I didn’t know how to kill all the hours that not drinking left me with, but that’s my life now and I could easily live it without the exercise.

Then the Ladybower 2015 50 miler was advertised open on Facebook. I read it but dismissed it as I’ve committed to so much this year and it’s all been a bust, and I was thinking of quitting. Then I read they were limiting the places to 75 on the 35 mile race and 75 on the 50 miler. Going to go fast. Only £30.

Bollocks, I’m in!

Fired by this one last make or break fling I went out for a run yesterday. I just did a 10 miler. My form has been so pitiful lately that I started off tentatively, expecting failure. The first mile was easy to warm up, looked at my watch 8.07 m/m, not too shabby by current standards. I let it slide into the 8.20’s then at 6 miles tried a new app, (paceDJ, it sorts through all your songs and only plays the ones that are at your correct running pace, like the drummer on the slave galley’s but not so much fun) blasted the next mile in 7.31. Again, in the grand scheme of things not great but at current levels a minor miracle. I’d left it late but thought I’d try and pick up the lost time in the last 4 miles and bring it back to a 8m/m average. I kept it well under 8 and the last mile was a 7.32. I finished less than a second a mile slower than 8.

I was buzzing. I used to think 8 m/m was my Forrest Gump pace, the natural rhythm into which I fell when I wanted to grind out long distances and wasn’t pushing it. I have to judge my run on where I am at the moment, and that was a hell of a valiant 4 miles.

As an aside, to put my negativity into perspective, when I started running those years back I was advised by a twitter chum who was a runner about cold showers on the legs, pacing and such. I’m moaning that I can’t even do a marathon, she’s just done her first half marathon, accomplishing her two goals for the race; a sub 2.30 and not to walk any of it. 

Well done her, not knocking her, but in all modesty I have done a bit more. She’s a black belt at karate and runs fitness classes so she’s overachieving in other areas.

Anyway, I did that 10 miler yesterday and started my diet again. I burned 1,179 calories on the run. This morning I got up, had a slice of toast, then set out to do a 15 miler, burning off 1,767 calories.  Piece of toast being what? 150 calories? It was pure stupidity. By the 13th mile I had absolutely nothing left. I had that weird sweat going on and the post hitting-the-wall shuffle. I did the last 2 miles on pure will power. I came in, had cereal, a shower, then just lay down. It was beastly. The thing is I do it every time I start a diet. Then forget in between.

That was totally predictable and completely avoidable. Stupid.

My plan now is to repeat one week from my marathon plan (rest, 6m, 9m ,6m, rest, 4 mile, 20 mile long run.) Strangely doing little distances frequently really builds your fitness. I started it a bit enthusiastically, 10 miles then long run of 15, but if I stick to it and just keep adding 2 miles to the long run each week I can see that working. This time I am going to train to run the full 50, last time I trained as it said online, run 20 minutes, walk 5. Others didn’t bother. I only did two marathon-plus training runs, this time I want a few months of 50 mile runs. Even if you are pretty fit, as I must have been, after 40 miles it really takes it’s toll. It’s misery, in point of fact. I want to train past that.

Which is a hell of a long winded way of saying I nearly quit but now I’ve got my mojo back.


In other news the job is groovy. The set week and regular two days off are a thing of beauty in the (agency) lorry driving world. The hours could be longer but hey ho, swings and roundabouts.

Some lorry driver didn’t come home the other day. Saw his unit, folded neatly half way up. Two dead, shut the motorway. Not fun.


I’ve fixed the indicators on the bike, proper flash rate now.  And it’s still lovely. I’ve found an online shop that sells cafe racer kit, such as leather jeans and open face helmets. Now I’ve found them it’s a matter of when not if. Also I’ve reworked the gate fixing, we had a real strong wind and it nearly tore it off it’s hinges. It’s now bombproof but it take me 10 minutes to get the bike out. Still, no way on this Earth am I leaving it on the front.


In super wonderful news, we had a Labour guy come around to see if there were any issues locally, I just said “I’m voting Labour” took the leaflet and shut the door. Politely. Wendy bothered to read it and noticed it said they’d resolved the local broadband issue. I immediately went online to the broadband area checker and it’s true! Upgraded immediately. As of the 22nd we are going from 3Mb/s to 75-80Mb/s! *does Snoopy dance*

We are about to see the Promised Land of Infinity broadband!

To Infinity and beyond!

Oh, and I’ve got some (£2.99) steampunk sunglasses and I’m trying my hand at a spiv pencil moustache. It’s a work in progress.


Enough waffling, it’s Twitter time!

The DMreporter had:

PARENTS: Is your teenager moody, argumentative and often out with their friends? ‘They’re almost certainly on heroin’ warn experts.



In Politics/ Tory Scum we had:

The next time someone asks you, "So what would you cut", point them in the direction of £85bn corporate welfare bill …

"What peace process?" Swedish FM response to critique that Sweden recognizing Palestine undermined peace talks #Gaza

I know I was very lucky to have access to a greengrocer who sold stuff cheap at the end of the day. But I couldn’t have used #scroungercard.

Libdems are making promises. Oh, well, I’ll take that shit to the bank.

Richest MP in Britain slams welfare state but makes £625k a year in housing benefit

Today Sweden has a new ‘Left/Green’ govt, cabinet comprising 50% women, & has recognised State of Palestine. We’re scrapping Human Rights.

So now that UKIP have their first MP, will they finally get as much media coverage as the Green Party?

So Clacton has elected the same person, with the same views. And this is because ‘the people want change’. Right, got it.



And everybody’s favourite, General:

My cat is sad because my other cat wears a Batman mask and has never revealed her real identity to him.

twitter is an amazing place where you can connect with celebrities and discover that lots of them are utterly vile humans who you now hate

The Sun wants to bin your Human Rights. 3 days later, the Sun makes a official complaint demanding their Human Rights

People often ask me for advice about their life goals, relationships, etc, and I explain: 1. I’m a florist 2. I couldn’t give a monkey’s.

ISLAMIC STATE. A better propaganda tool would be to rebrand as the "Young Muslims Caliphate Association".

The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house………I got the outside.

War is a quarrel between rich thieves too cowardly to fight their own battle. ~Thomas Carlyle

Looks like Papa bears not a fan of Asians.

large corporations should have tax credits paid to their employees deducted from profits, as George would say its only fair

Mercedes is building a self-driving truck that’s going to change the future of shipping

Only in America

I’m good thanks.

How to draw a horse.

Taste the rainbow.

Think I’ll pass.

So I went into the gas station & left my windows down & I came back & someone bit my beef patty

Man tries to attack 14-year-old girl from behind, she beats him up with martial arts skills

This is what happens when you adopt a dog

Sedal: Before & After

Me: What did I tell you about being bad?! 4-year-old: Don’t leave any witnesses. I guess she does listen.

A handy guide to avoid any confusion in the future.

The Moses Bridge, Netherlands

4 Beatles on a zebra crossing

MET OFFICE SEVERE WEATHER WARNING: Dense fog patches. Travel disruption. ADVICE: 1. Get shitfaced. 2. Stay in bed.

"Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?"

Looked up Marine Animals. Was not disappointed.

And on that note,



So far, so good, so what?

The new job is everything they said. So far. The bookings are indeed for 4 weeks at a time. I’m on Sunday-Thursday. I had Friday and Saturday off without issue. I’ve still to see what the money will work out like as I’ve had to re-register as a Limited Company so last week was two days of PAYE.

If the agency and my accountants have sorted it out I should find out what it’s worth this Friday.

The job is easy enough so far. They said they’d just be putting me on trunks (take this trailer to A, swap, take second trailer to B, swap, come back.) Then ease me into store deliveries when I’d got the hang of it. Every place has their own system you have to learn.

Anyway, as I said, so far it’s been really easy and no pressure. The Friday and Saturday I worked last week were double runs, so they were good for 13.15 and 12 hrs. This week has all been single runs so I’m only getting 8 hours a day. Tomorrow, Sunday, I’m down for a double. At £18 an hour, I think. That’ll do.

The job is fine, the money (I think) is good, and they are in the process of taking on the current agency drivers to full time. Well, apparently it’s a part time contract but they make sure you get the extra shifts to make it up to full time. My point being, this could turn into a real job.


In other, not so good, news, my fitness is shit again. I tried a 20 miler last week and ended up walking 3 times after 18 miles. I had to abandon tomorrow’s Chester marathon. I don’t want to make an arse of myself in a race.

I’m going to have to go back to the training plan and work up again. I got to doing an easy 20 miles then had a week off, ran 18 miles nearly killed me, week off, tried 20 had to quit at 19.

I seem to think that once you can run 20 miles you are set, do it at the drop of a hat. It is *so* not the case. I think when that was true I must have been tri training so I was running and cycling virtually every day. It was just the long ones I was only doing occasionally.

Back to it from next week. This job gives me loads of time to have a life so I’ve no excuses. Also I’m itching to get back to the sax again. I keep trying for a few months, then something stops me. No way I could do it on nights. But now I want to again, it’s just the reluctance to embarrass myself in my crapness (it’s very loud, then neighbours must be going “Oh god! He’s at it again.”)

But the urge is outweighing the reluctance. I keep telling myself if I could do half an hour a day, eventually I must become proficient. And when I do pick it up the half hours always turn into hours anyway.

I wish I was more like Gail, Wendy’s sister. She sets her mind to do stuff and just grinds it out. I get fired with manic enthusiasm, charge at the job like a man possessed, then lose interest. Meh.

The bike is coming along. I changed my big, chunky indicators for tiny, but very bright LED ones. It was a total ball ache fitting them but the back ones at least worked. I put the front ones on and they were flashing too fast. I ordered a different ‘ballast’ and that fixed one of them, so I’ve ordered another from the same supplier. Not dear, only about £4. That will be ‘bars swapped and indicators changed. The rest of the transformation involves lots of money and I need to pay the bike off the card first.


On to Twitter;


DMreporter kept us abreast with:

DEVASTATING FINAL BLOW: Paul Dacre reveals the Daily Mail, the worlds favourite newspaper, won’t be available in an independent Scotland.

SPORT: ‘Oscar Pistorius CAN compete again’ rules Olympic Committee despite the opinion that he killed his girlfriend and maybe he shouldn’t.

FINAL INSULT: Fury as Andy Murray, who is British for around 60% of his sporting achievements, comes out in favour of independence.

SPOTTED: A distraught Alex Salmond wrestling with a trolley at his local ASDA shouting “fucking keep the pound then.”

POLITICS: Gordon Brown to challenge Boris Johnson for position of next Conservative leader.

RACISM PROBABLY: Fallout from independence bid continues as English middle-class family holiday in Scotland but don’t have a very nice time.

FEMININISM: Emma Watson showcases her shapely calves and cheeky derrière as she calls for gender equality during speech at the UN.

BREAKING: America does awesome and impressive things with bombs. Hurrah!

This week’s Daily Mail Cancer List: Mo) Nail varnish Tu) Butterscotch We) Escalators Th) iPhone 6 Fr) Gift aid Sa) Renault Scenic Su) Poison



In Politics/Tory Scum we had:

Tomorrow’s Daily Express front page is a sight to behold.

(Spoof Express) :

I would like to extend my congratulations to the royal couple on the announcement of the pregnancy.The parasitic, sponging wastes of space.

In the strongest indication yet that Cameron will go if Scotland Votes Yes, David Cameron says he will not go if Scotland votes Yes.

Very moving to see David Cameron close to tears at the prospect of losing Scotland*. *his job

God made Adam and EVE not Adam and an INDEPENDENT SCOTLAND

Indy Scotland, Ireland, Wales, Cornwall and Great Sankey, Warrington. We can do this! #indyref #usnext


Tory ministers talk of taking risk and entrepreneural spirit. Which is great when your father owns half of Suffolk.

3 people die horribly and with maximum publicity and we are back on "permanent war" footing. This stinks of false flag.

Funny these things never happen in arse end of nowhere, no natural resources countries.

The excuses change but geography and the oil do not. "Four US Presidents announcing strikes in Iraq

£27,000,000,000 the amount UK government spends subsidising companies that pay breadline wages each year £900 per person in work per year

Tories. Feel better about Labour’s mansion tax to pay for the NHS by referring to it as the "15 spare rooms subsidy".

I’ve no problem with Tony Blair giving his opinion on Iraq, it’s just he should be doing it from The Hague… #warcriminal

Each cruise missile costs £3/4M and they’re setting them off like thruppeny Brocks. Meanwhile people are visiting food banks to survive.

Best thing EVER:

Whoever @Cassetteboy is, hats off for superb parody of Cameron speech. Trending and set to go viral …

David Cameron. Why not cut out the middle man by getting someone on benefits to pay £500 directly to someone who’s comfortably off?

Irvine Welsh slams Osborne for using Trainspotting quotes: ‘I’d rather be quoted by Fred West’

Any worker thinking of voting Tory. This is a foodbank parcel for TWO people for THREE days. Think again.

I’m sorry, there’s no money, we have to close the libraries and the Sure Start centres… LET’S GO TO WAR! TAX CUTS FOR EVERYONE!


And bestest till lastest, General:

Graphics guys you had one job.

You had one job and it looks like you’ve done it to well.

Pretty sweet the iPhone 6 can store finger prints, credit cards & personal pics in one central location. What’s the worst that could happen?

U2 and Apple have a long history together. "Where the streets have no name" was inspired by the launch of Apple Maps.

Evolution of music sales: 1. Pay a lot 2. Pay a little 3. Pay anything 4. OK fine, just pay once a month 5. Fuck you, now you own a U2 album

Bono, in the dark, drinking from a fifth of whiskey, watching a data visualization of people removing his album, face streaked with tears.

*buys Sushi for Dummies* *preheats oven* *reads first page of Sushi for Dummies* *turns off oven*

Capitalism is fascism in action, using debt to punish the masses.

House I would not live in. Or enter.

Have I just… had a stroke halfway through reading this sign?

For anyone wondering what "culpable homicide" means, it’s when you’re famous and can buy your way out of a murder charge.

At least Oscar Pistorius will think long and hard before he kills his next girlfriend.

I’m no fashion expert but even I know that the Colombia women’s cycling team kit seen here is a genuine disaster

Just take a minute to think that someone actually designed that. It wasn’t a mistake. Poor women.

"Cooking doesn’t get any tougher than this!" says Gregg Wallace, as I laugh to myself and release two hungry Velociraptors into the kitchen.

I think the word you’re looking for is tambourine.

She breathed

And the leaves trembled,

The water leapt

From the womb of the earth,

From the clear sky

The soundless silence wept.

Redheaded guy moving the wheel chocks off my trailer. Just made myself laugh by saying "chicks away, Ginger!" #imsotired

"Ebola" and "Jeremy Clarkson" trending. *Crosses fingers*

The truth about global warming is things go in cycles and we’re simply about to enter a cycle where we become a burning cinder for eternity

The mail says ‘end of human rights farce’. This from the newspaper that backed Hitler in the 30s. Nothing but fascists

Luke and Princess Leia today

Probably the best picture of a duck wearing a beaver onesie you’ll see all day


just found @BillBailey nailing an impersonation of @billybragg … while Mr Bragg looks on

Watched a lot of people riding water scooters today! The segway of the sea. Chances are they were all douches. 🙁

The #IgNobel prize in ARCTIC SCIENCE goes to a team from Norway & Germany for testing how reindeer react to humans disguised as polar bears!

I’d like to know who give it such a high rating.

Laziness level: expert.

"Everything happens for a reason." "Then explain Nickelback." "Everything else happens for a reason."

There’s something troubling about this book’s tone

Book review by my 6 year old (perhaps misunderstanding availability of multiple copies?!)

That’s exactly what someone who is dating their dad would say.

Unfortunate placement.

#Tesco miscalculate by £250 million. Those self service tills are a bugger.

Hipster level: Final Boss

Have we all seen the dog that looks like Richard Branson?

Angry caller says a "Muslim" statue’s being erected in Cardiff and we should do a story on it. Bemused, I ask of what. Answer: "Ghandi".

(Black tweeter wrote) Why is it that when a black dude starts acting crazy as fuck on the train, white people look at me like ‘do something’. Shit, I’m scared too.

Frog that looks like the goblin things off Spiderwick Chronicles:

I see the mods are escalating the whole mods/ rockers thing.

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, "Is this him."

Just seen this comment posted on the #BritainFirst page – "Send the Romanians back to Rome!" They’re not the brightest lot are they…


What a loss to the feminist ladies. And the gene pool as a whole.

Viz comics had these two:

If I were a football chairman I’d only sign cheap handsome players and use the team calendar sales to buy a hovercraft.

A 96yr old lady frm Australia knitted over 1000 tiny sweaters for penguins to protect them from oilspills

My spirit animal is a drugs mule

VACANCY: Can you tie your own shoelaces and make tea? Good at patronising? We have a role for a ‘Skills Trainer’ at your local A4e branch.

Must admit I had to laugh today when a Polish friend expressed disgust at some Polish racists and told them to fuck off home.

There’s only so many times you say “stop worrying” to me before I shoot you through the bathroom door, by accident.

Police called to house in Northern Ireland after neighbour ‘thought EU flag was "Arabic"’


And finally…